8 Massively Embarrassing Fantasy Football Punishments

I can't think of a more important, noteworthy, and impactful date on America's 2020 calendar than today, September 10th. Don't get me wrong, Tenet being released in theaters was cool and all. However, the NFL is a different beast, and with it comes the return of the universally beloved fantasy football. We all know this.

Most people understand that fantasy football performs two main functions in society:

1. Allowing old groups of friends the opportunity to keep in touch and talk smack; and...

2. Strengthening every stale marriage in it's path by making women exceedingly horny with each victory their husband achieves.

*Billy Mays Voice* But Wait, There's More! Fantasy football also provides the opportunity to humiliate the loser of the league via the dreaded Last Place Punishment. For the uninitiated, the basic gist: Before the league begins, everyone involved agrees on an embarrassing/difficult task the last-place team must complete before the start of next season, or risk banishment from the league (God forbid). This adds an increased level of fun/risk, while at the same time preventing those who suck from simply quitting and trading all their best players. If you want examples, ESPN's Matthew Berry outlined some of his favorites in an article today. There were some great entries, but I think Matt missed a few which we're about to review below. Remember, the goal is to be as embarrassing as possible!

1. Post a Political Lecture on Social Media: While most of us realize that trying to convince strangers to change their political opinions over the internet is like nailing jelly to a tree, some people are still hard at work. Make this one like a debate club, where you pick the position the fantasy loser has to defend.

2. Join a Pyramid Scheme, Post Relentlessly About it on Social Media: Despite the internet existing, some still find it difficult to search the company they're applying for on Google. Ensure that your fantasy loser must endure his penance for at least two (2) weeks, first by introducing his new employment hawking a bad-ass energy drink. After three days, he must begin harassing people he barely knows to join his downstream and bragging about the BMW he'll soon be driving.

3. Post Your Fantasy Football Lineup To Social Media, Ask for Feedback: Let's be clear about one thing: There is nothing more captivating than another person's fantasy football team. They are very interesting and fun to talk about. If I'm not updated on every single "screw-job" fantasy story from vague co-workers and social media comrades by lunchtime on Tuesday, the week is a wash. The embarrassing part of this is simply just so everyone can see how putrid your team was. Nothing else.

4. Break-Up With Girlfriend, Post About it on Social Media: As if hearing about a couple's break-up isn't fun enough, the pleasure is tripled when they choose to make it public. This one might suck for the poor loser since he'll have to actually go through with it, but she was probably going to dump his ass anyway for being so pathetic at make-believe sports. His choice on which Dashboard Confessional song lyric he'll have to post with the subsequent profile-picture purge. A drunken sub-tweet about how "great life is now" wouldn't hurt, either.

5. Consistently Commit Third-Grade Level Grammatical Errors on Social Media: I here that some people out their our well over 30 years old and still don't no they're basic spelling and grammer. Make you're freind humliate himself at least once daly.

6. Take a Shirtless Selfie, Post it on Social Media: If you haven't caught on by now, I'm taking the assumptive that the Loser In Question is a man. If the last place team is run by a woman, well, she probably isn't participating in the punishment to begin with. It's not sexist - it's just a fact. Men are much less likely to harass/bully a woman into doing a stupid stunt publicly just for fantasy football, and ladies are smart enough to use that to their advantage. But if she wants to uphold her end of the bargain, I guess you go with a swimsuit pic? Don't want anybody getting reported. We're wading into dangerous waters here, let's move on.

7. Become A Blogger in Your 30's, Post About it on Social Media: There is absolutely nothing more pathetic and embarrassing than when someone who thinks he is funnier and more interesting than he actually is decides to become a blogger. Especially during COVID when everyone else decides to become an "artist" of some sort. What a nightmare. Have the fantasy loser create his own shitty website, write under a ridiculous nickname that makes no sense to anyone but his friends, and promote it on Facebook / Twitter for everyone to cringe at.

8. Create an OnlyFans, Post About it on Social Media: Actually, this one isn't a bad idea.