A Heroic 2013 Pittsburgh South Side Bar Crawl

For any 30-something, you might remember a time in life when pride meant something. When getting fricked up with your boys was more important than things like "avoiding a hangover", "going to work" or "raising a family".

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't live in the past, which is exactly what we're going to do today.

Pittsburgh's South Side is equal parts terrifying and enchanting to anyone lucky enough to have held a 412 or 724 phone number. I was once told by a Duquesne student that Carson Street, which is the main drag through South Side, had more bars per capita than any other street in the country. This is almost certainly false, but in the words of George Costanza, it's not a lie if you believe it.

We're gonna do a retroactive bar crawl circa 2013, otherwise known as South Side's golden age. I probably don't need this qualifier since half of these bars are closed now anyway, but just for posterity: What I'm about to describe is for entertainment purposes only, and shouldn't actually be attempted by anyone not trying to die.

Unless, of course, you're on a bunch of Adderall, or your name is Pangzai.

STOP #1 - Double Wide Grill: The DWG is without question the worst restaurant in the state, and possibly the eastern time zone. The Ryan Leaf of restaurants. Just a total disaster despite all the measurables. If cold burgers, warm drinks, and 2 servers for 100+ people is your thing, welcome home. Most people are happy if they get a drink within the first 30 minutes, but here, you can only pray for a menu in that time frame. The one redeeming quality of DWG is the outdoor patio, where you can mingle with hot and hungover singles while watching bums beg for change outside the rust-covered Sunoco. DWG is at the far north end of Carson Street, so it's a strategic geographical starting point for everyone to meet and discuss how quickly they can leave and work their way south.

STOP #2 - Archie's: It's not Archie's fault they're in a shitty location right across from DWG. OK, maybe it sort of is. Archie's is a Yinzer mainstay and deserves more shine. Unfortunately, it's location on the North End of Carson Street relegates it to an early-day stop in this hypothetical crawl. If you weren't able to force down the microwaved burrito at DWG, maybe get 6 of their famous wings with your two Bud Lights, then keep it moving.

STOP #3 - The Library: Just kidding, don't stop. It probably isn't even open yet, but even if it was, you're in Pittsburgh, not Portland, you hipster dope. Throw your empty glass bottles from Archies through the window while yelling NERD at the guy reading his Dave Eggers memoir at the bar. I know every city has a bar called The Library - hopefully they're all not this lame.

STOP #4 - Smokin' Joes: We're back on track. Smokin Joe's is another South Side gem that doesn't get the recognition it deserves. There aren't nearly enough jello shots and drunk 19 year olds at SJ's to hit the Duquesne crowd's radar, but it's curiously light on the dive crowd. They've got a shit ton of beers on tap, and every bartender looks like Brett Keisel's slightly less athletic, slightly more alcoholic, brother. Now's the time to make sure your day really goes off the rails by drinking a handful of craft beers and gambling on pool in the back.

STOP #5 - Piper's Pub: If there is a soccer game happening literally anywhere in the world, it'll be on a Piper's. The fish and chips is average at best, but the score automatically improves by a factor of 37% in the environment. No other reason to spend a shit ton of time here if there's no soccer on. BONUS: You might catch a glimpse of beloved Pittsburgh radio heartthrob and all-around nice guy Mark Madden.

STOP #6 - Fathead's: If you're from out of town, might as well go in and have a Bumbleberry. Otherwise, nothing to see here. Corporate city.

STOP #7 - Local: I know, I know. We just passed up the eye of the storm. But it's only like 2PM and everybody still has their shirt on, so we need to keep it somewhat classy for the next couple hours. Local is the Instagram model of Pittsburgh bars. Trendy, popular, photogenic, and everybody wants to be inside. But after about an hour you realize it'd be much more interesting to be literally anywhere else in the world.

STOP #8 - Jack's: Pittsburgh bar royalty. It's important to remember this is a crawl, not a one-stop bender, so you can't be here all day. Bikers, boobs, bros, and Budweiser. If you're a veteran, you know about the back door behind the bar that leads into another secret section of the bar with barren pool tables and tattoo-covered tweakers. You can order corn dogs and boiled eggs from the kitchen. In other words, it's exactly where you'd want to spend an entire day with Charlie Day and Frank Reynolds. God damn I miss Jack's.

- The sun is going down now, time to turn back around and go back north -

STOP #9 - Tad's / Barry's: I'll be honest, I don't remember when the name change occurred here. Either way, love Tad's because I watched the Penguins win the 2009 Stanley Cup there, and immediately lost my fake ID in the ensuing melee. The bartenders are fucking awesome here and you can't beat the $2 cherry/grape/Vegas bombs. Perfect opportunity to set the douche tone for the rest of the evening.

STOP #10 - Urban Tap: Same thing as The Library. You probably have to piss by now considering you're like 9 bars and 15 drinks in. Drop a golden shower on The Tap's hoity-toity doorstep and tell them to where to shove their $14 burgers.

STOP #11 - Smiling Moose: Oft-confused with Smokin' Joes despite being on opposite ends of Carson Street. This is your last opportunity to get a decent meal before the fireworks start going off. Moose has one of the most underrated burgers in the entire city, and they serve it with house-made pasta salad. This is all to the soothing beats of the screamo heavy metal band playing upstairs, while some stand-up comic on stage works on his material for his audience of two.

STOP #12 - Finn McCool's: The strobe lights are on, you've heard at least 3 Nelly songs, and it's time to embarrass yourself. Finn's is the Toni Kukoc of the South Side. Integral part of the formula but grossly underappreciated. Finn's is a pretty big space and I've never had a problem getting a beer there. I'm pretty sure it's deader than a doornail these days. Stop in and a show Finn's some goddam respect.

STOP #13 - Jimmy D's: Are you covered in terrible tattoos? Are you wearing a 59:50 flat-bill Pirates hat with the sticker on it? Is your chinstrap beard marking every girl horny? Has the vodka and Red Bull carousing through your veins left you bloodthirsty to fight the first behemoth who bumps into you? Get your bitch ass up to Jimmy D's and start swinging.

STOP #14 - South Side Flats: The Sean Combs of Pittsburgh Bars - a different name every single year. You're not missing much if you stumble past it, just check the box and no one will be the wiser.

STOP #15 - Mario's: The Best Bar that Ever Barred. Inevitably, the Devil comes for us all. If he's got any sympathy left, he'll let us alcoholics spend 24 hours in our favorite bar. Mario's is that bar.

Mario's is the granddaddy of South Side staples - a place your parents used to go, you went, and your kids will go. The food is absolutely unreal and there are TVs everywhere, so it makes for a great college football Saturday hideout. The line goes out the door by midnight, so we're getting here a little early to pay homage and have time for the rest of the list. Hit the shot wheel a couple times.

STOP #16 - Carson City Saloon: Sophie's Choice wasn't shit to the one I just had to make deciding between CCS and Mario's. Again, one that is extremely close to my heart, but for different reasons. I'd never want to spend all day at CCS, but you somehow make it there every fuckin' night. The owners of CCS probably could have gotten away with claiming us as dependents since they basically babysat a bunch of babbling idiots 3 nights a week for 5 years. Vault is open. People are wobbling up and down the stairs. Napkins falling from the sky. You know there's music playing but it's all blending together into one giant Sean Paul / Pitbull tornado. Rooftop beers til 12:30am.

STOP #17 - Charlie Murdoch's: Quick stop in for one beer and one piano song. Scream all the completely wrong words. Make zero friends. Get out of there and with all your strength, stumble a couple blocks off Carson street to...

STOP #18 - Bar 11: You already know. Congrats, you pissed your pants and you're dead.

SPECIAL REGARDS:

• Diesel: I'm sweaty just typing the name out. Diesel was the go-to bottle-service/DJ "club" in south side, and was basically like deep dish pizza. You had a craving for a big night once a year, and by midnight, remembered why you only do it once/year. Not for even the most addy-ed out bar crawler.

• The Rowdy Buck: Hand up, I forgot. Rest in peace.