Abolish Sadie Hawkins

It's no secret that 2020 has been unkind to us all, but Gooey is my name and finding silver linings is my game. One of the unquestionable positives to this nightmare of a calendar year has been the absence of barbaric school dances due to the ongoing coronavirus outbreak.

Sure, the lost opportunity to dry hump and touch tongues in the annex gym may be depressing to all the hot and popular kids (the 1%). However, the other 99% are breathing a heavy sigh of relief. Chief among these alleviated pre-teens are the ever-downtrodden 10-15 year old male demographic. Why? Because fall is coming, baby, and that can only mean one thing: The Sadie Hawkins Dance.

For anyone who is ignorant to this crass, outdated practice, the basic gist of Sadie Hawkins is to reverse traditional gender roles, with the girls having to ask the guys to the dance. The idea was birthed in the 1930s via the Li'l Abner comic by famed cartoonist Al Capp. The actual comic that inspired this sick, twisted pseudo-holiday was published on November 15, 1937, hence why the dance usually takes place in the fall.

I shouldn't need to explain this, but all of it is very problematic.

First things first, the idea is inherently sexist. Why should women have to wait all year long for one chance to ask a boy out? Are women not capable of deciding when they feel it is most appropriate to pursue a steamy love interest? Are we discouraging women from asking a crush to attend prom in the spring, for example? I'm sure there are plenty of boys out there who would love to be asked to prom! How do we know there isn't some little boy sitting at home right now, playing Spyro the Dragon on his PS2 in his Easy-Mac-stained Notre Dame pajamas, just waiting for someone, anyone (really, anyone) to ask him out?

Secondly, the practice is unfairly weighted against unathletic boys with chicken legs. Let me explain. What are the main three things on every girl's mind in the fall? That's right...pumpkin spice, the new fall CBS TV lineup, and PIGSKIN. With football season in full swing by the time Sadie Hawkins comes around, all the sexy, muscular, popular boys are top of everyone's mind. They will inevitably be the hot commodities for all date-seeking girls. This leaves the rest of the boys for scraps, to be picked at like a rotting racoon carcass on the side of a New Mexico highway. And who can blame the girls? It's cold outside, and the cloak of social acceptance via a letterman jacket over your gown is the warmest place to be.

Lastly, Sadie Hawkins discourages the very thing it is trying to build - participation. I've never been on Bumble, which apparently is a dating app that forces the girls to message the guy first. In other words, the horror of Sadie Hawkins on your smartphone. Anyway, a guy who HAS been on Bumble told me it's nothing short of a barren wasteland of endless air-balls. Swipe after swipe with barely a whiff of a match. And on the off-chance someone does match with you, she's gone like a fart in the wind without so much as a "hey" or "how tall are you?" This is because most girls are simply terrified of rejection. The reason they never message anyone on Bumble, or ask guys with Peyton Manning-size five-heads to Sadie Hawkins, isn't because they find him to be unattractive and a loser. It's because they know there are so many other options, so why subject yourself to embarrassment or disappointment? Better to just not ask at all.

"But Gooey, most girls end up attending the dance with a date anyway. What happened?" Well, don't ask me to defend rule-breakers. Most of these girls are almost certainly making back-alley deals via shady channels to confirm a "yes" is forthcoming before officially popping the question. This defeats the whole purpose, and makes the process a sham. Can you imagine if our politicians did things like this? If only our middle schools had the same types of checks and balances our government does.

When you add it all up, the answer is obvious. Let's make sure 2019 was the last time Sadie Hawkins had her chance to tear America to shreds. Some decisions are too obvious to waste brainpower on. Abolish Sadie Hawkins NOW so we can start the fight against the real enemy in 2021: Dodgeball.