Barstool Personalities as Pop Stars

Question: How do we know how to think and behave?

Answer: Copy celebrities.

In the old days, media options were limited to newspapers, AM radio and local TV, which meant journalists and the figures they covered were the public’s only access to pop culture. Luckily, you and I don’t live in that world. The internet has brought the golden age of influence, now making it almost too easy to be a well respected and highly sought after member of society. Just look at Jake Paul or Farah Abraham. Within seconds, Tik Tok provides access to the latest dance craze. Guys - big date night but not sure what to wear? Simply Google ‘Kate Beckinsale New Boyfriend’ for the latest in masculine male fashion. Despite how media consumption has changed, it’s probably fair to say the #1 constant barometer of cultural relevance is music. So, as Barstool continues to strive for a larger market share of the public’s pop culture consumption, it’s important to understand which personalities coincide with the influential musical figures that came before them. On to it:

1. KFC: Michael Jackson:

Incredible catalog of early timeless hits (Blindos, Hundos, Al Jazeera). Began their careers black, slowly searing their name into history the older and whiter they got. Each had one (1) major controversy that could have derailed their careers, only to come back stronger than ever as fans gleefully agreed to pretend like it never happened.

2. Feitelberg: Prince

Perception as a Jack of all trades but master of none, sneaky good athlete, aware of the rumors about their sexuality and rather than denying them, actively throws gasoline on them by the way he dresses.

3. Big Cat: Freddie Mercury

Mustachioed superstar with almost too much talent for his own good, universally beloved, created a smash hit with a person named David, had some minor problems with AIDS (An Irritating Deadspin Squabble). 

4. El Pres: Carrie Underwood

Started as total unknowns before working their way to the top on pure talent, popular with football fans, got much hotter and skinnier as their fame grew, are not someone you want to romantically scorn, dangerous with a Louisville Slugger.

5. Smitty: Don Henley

Associated with the Eagles, square jawline, made a hard left turn mid-career as a solo act, somehow carved out a decent niche despite generally being overlooked, have had awkward experiences at hotels. (I realize #ShowerGate was technically an AirBnB but I'm already committed to this one).

6. KMarko: Joey Fatone

You know he’s there and there's little question he plays an integral part in the group’s success. Even if you’re not quite sure what purpose he serves.

7. Nate: Pitbull

Both gentlemen have feisty monikers and are known for their incredible skill in the art of seduction despite being bald and short. Not the most versatile skill set, but take a workmanlike approach and stick to the formula. It doesn’t matter if their work appeals to the lowest common denominator, because it pays the bills. 

8. Brandon Walker: Kevin Federline

White trash that fell ass backwards into fame, attached themselves to much more likable and blonder female costars, probably receives weekly visits from child protective services. 

Hopefully Barstool will continue to produce additional talent commiserate with musical household names as shown above.