Celebrity Death Match 2020 Edition

Parents in the 90s loved three things: Alanis Morissette, Drunk driving, and allowing their kids to watch overtly violent/sexual TV and movies. Tragically, it's probably safe to conclude that all three of those awesome things are super taboo today. Thanks Obama.

In the summer of 1998, Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery had been out for over a year. I was just 10 at the time and understood maybe 35% of the jokes, but that didn't stop my parents from watching it with my sister and I at least 17 times as all four of us got hammered (just kidding).

While Dr. Evil's enormous flying Willie will always hold the #1 spot in our hearts, perhaps the 2nd-most tasteless relic from this not-too-distant past was the incomparable Celebrity Death Match.

Since most of my readers are idiots like me (not you Mom) I'm sure they remember the gist. But to quickly fill in the uninformed - CDM was a 30-minute show on MTV featuring clay-animated celebrities competing in insanely vicious fights until one of them died. In other words, crack cocaine for a 12 year old. Not only was the violence incredibly over the top, but there was plenty of satire sprinkled in at the expense of the celebrities.

There are 75 episodes, so feel free to go down your own rabbit hole. The matches that stuck out to me were Rosie O'Donnell vs. Oprah and Hillary Clinton vs. Monica Lewinsky, but I can't find either on YouTube so Chris Rock vs. The Rock will have to suffice.

There have been a handful of rumors in recent years about a possible revival, but each fizzled out. Just in case that changes, I figured I'd do the writer's work for them and propose a handful of matches the public is dying to see.

Eric Trump vs. Hunter Biden: Huge battle of the 2020 presidential kids who's fathers secretly hate them. Hunter, high on cocaine, runs circles around Eric for most of the match. Eric, always biting off more than he can chew, suddenly eats Hunter's head with his gigantic buck teeth. Eric chokes and dies - the match is a draw.

Dave Portnoy vs. Roger Goodell: The king of the internet finally meets his mortal enemy. Roger has only agreed to the fight because he's told his opponent is Bennet Omalu. By the time Portnoy walks out of the tunnel, it's too late. Portnoy suspiciously goes down in the first round, and it is revealed he bet his entire net worth on Roger. He uses the winnings to buy the New England Patriots, drafts Trevor Lawrence, and organizes an owners coup to remove Roger from office on his way to 9 straight Super Bowls.

Lori Loughlin vs. The FBI: Aunt Becky finally gets her shot at the hypocrites who brought her down. Incensed that she has to serve jail time for pulling a few strings while the rest of college football pays their players thousands under the table, she arrives motivated. She swiftly delivers a Full [round] House kick to the head, then takes a USC rowing team oar and jams it down the FBI's throat. Her bikini-clad daughter captures the whole thing on Instagram while Uncle Jesse jumps the ring on a motorcycle in the background.

Jay Paterno vs. Rick Pitino: Two college coaches who simply refuse to understand the meaning of "letting it go.” Jay dedicates the match to all the people who suffered from the Penn State scandal, especially himself and his Dad. Unfortunately for him, Vampire Pitino pulls out a table and slams jay onto it. He sinks his fangs into poor Jay’s neck and sucks all the blood from his body bone dry. Rick has ended the match very quickly - approximately 15 seconds. Jay sues Rick from the grave.

Florence Welch vs. Florence Nightingale: Old school meets new school as two titans of girl power square off. Florence Welch finally shows us this "Machine" she talks about all the time, which turns out to be a chainsaw. As she makes her way towards Nightingale, she slips and cuts her own throat by accident. Nightingale's instincts kick in and she nurses Welch back to health. Big mistake - Welch belts out a high-pitched shriek, busting Nightingale's ear drums and effectively killing her. As she draws her last breath, Nightingale realizes that statistically, only 50% of people competing in a death match survive. Her decision to help was a poor miscalculation.

Dr. Fauci vs. Dr. Phil: Classic David meets Goliath. The elusive tiny nerd vs. the big southern farm animal. Dr. Fauci is fighting an uphill battle here, no doubt about it. Not only is he outweighed by about 100 pounds, but his mask obscures his breathing. Dr. Phil has also been using his extensive psychology training to mentally weaken Fauci before the match even begins, sharing memes labeling Fauci things like "weak science bitch". The bell rings and Fauci pull out a grenade to throw in the direction of the behemoth doctor, but misses badly and accidentally throws it into the crowd, killing everyone in Section 137. Just as Phil is about to crush Fauci's skull with his giant meaty paws, Fauci removes his mask and coughs directly into Phil's face. Fauci was Corona Patient Zero all along, and takes the secret antidote while Phil coughs his bald head into a ringside grave.

ROYAL RUMBLE - Jerry Sandusky, Larry Nassar, Bill Cosby, and Harvey Weinstein: Are we sure this hasn't happened in real life jail already? Either way, the winner is promised his freedom. Harvey Weinstein proves formidable, destroying everyone with his fake cane walker. Just as he's about to have his hand raised in victory....ding ding ding! Oh my God!!!! That's Ronan Farrow's music!!!!! Ronan comes out and hits Harvey over the head with a steel chair and sends him back to jail. Everybody wins.