Choosing My Groomsmen

Like any well-adjusted male youth, I grew up dreaming of one thing and one thing only: Being a groom. When the other neighborhood boys were out playing sports, teasing girls, and getting their driver's licenses, I was at home putting in work. Tireless hours spent proofreading my vows and practicing my aisle strut, imagining my special day one compliment at a time.

Now almost 32 years old, things are getting a little desperate. My man-tits sag a little lower every day, and my bad back makes posture during the "Mother - Son Dance" a significant concern. Still, I've somehow got myself a girlfriend now and in the event she is crazy enough to propose to me some day, I figure I better be prepared to pick some boys to have my back.

Choosing groomsmen isn't easy. #1. You're expected to know more than five or six people. Not always a given. #2. Those five or six people have to be free that day. #3. You have to make sure there is proper balance throughout the group, as everyone has a role to play in not only the wedding but bachelor party. I realize most bachelor parties are absolutely disgusting and totally unnecessary, but I know my girlfriend will insist, and I certainly wouldn't want to let her down. Since I'm still working on #1 above, today I'm just going to draft my "dream team" of various public figures, then will emulate my real-life selections based on them. Let's go:

GROOMSMAN #6 (The Funny Fat Guy)

Bruce Vilanch: The most important thing for the FFG of every group is to be non-threatening, everybody knows that. Bruce fits that bill to a T. The guy spent years as a middling comedy writer on Hollywood Squares, cracking PG-rated jokes while everyone wondered why that lesbian had such a deep voice. As a gay man, BV would easily endear himself to my bride and all her friends. In fact, he'd probably end up as a double agent and get himself invited to the bachelorette party. I guess the question then becomes whose team he's really playing for. I might have to move BV up from #6 to Best Man just in case.

GROOMSMAN #5 (The Wild Card / Hookup)

Pax Prentiss: Does this look like the face of a man who robbed dealers and his own parents to finance a 10-year heroin addiction, and now robs celebrities and other rich idiots with the same problems for around $80,000/month? You bet it does! Pax Prentiss is my favorite kind of con-man. Despite zero training or expertise, he collects a fortune by basically telling people to not listen to their doctors and go on vacation in Malibu instead. A guy with that haircut and the persuasion skills to match is someone you want on your team. Every bachelor party has the guy who knows where all the drugs and parties are, and can convince any bouncer to let the boys into the club. Plus, now we have a hookup at a facility run by "experts" to professionally detox following the weekend's shenanigans. Pax probably won't make it to the altar on wedding day to support me because he'll be pulling a Stiffler in the broom closet with granny, but who cares. Classic Pax.

GROOMSMAN #4 (The Bail-Out Man)

Edgar Snyder: Pittsburgh's Johnnie Cochran, only bald and white. If you've never heard of Edgar Snyder, just know he's the most famous lawyer in Pittsburgh, mainly for his commercials and having a career courthouse record of 576 - 0 (approximately). His ruthlessness would make Stalin himself blush. Edgar literally does not stop until He Gets Money For You. The Edgar Snyder law firm specializes in injury law, but I know for a fact he'll have the prenup printed and notarized on wedding day before either of us even know what happened. It won't even seem offensive if he asks my wife to sign it, she'll just instinctively scribble her signature. He'll also come in handy on the bachelor party when we have to bail out Pax Prentiss for soliciting an in-uniform police officer for cocaine at 11am.

GROOMSMAN #3 (The Necessary Squid)

Darren Rovell: I really didn't want to pick Darren here, but sometimes the obvious pick is obvious for a reason. Nobody remotely likes Darren, he's the guy who reminds the teachers they forgot to collect homework. A know-it-all. If the phrase Nanna-nanna-boo-boo, you can't touch me took on human form, that's DR. That said, you've been friends with him forever and he always finds a way to contribute in incredibly lame yet useful ways. It's all about the fundamentals with the Necessary Squid. Don't walk out on your tab. Remember to eat. Set an alarm so you catch your flight. Take an Uber home. Straighten your tie. Zip up your fly. Wipe your ass. He'll pass you a water at the bar to make sure you make it to the altar the next day. You'll resist the urge to throw it in his face and begrudgingly drink it. If there are logistical problems getting to the church or running out of name tags, just let the dork handle it. Fuckin' Rovell.

GROOMSMAN #2 (The Girlfriend Pick)

Jordi El Nino Polla: I have absolutely no idea who this person is. But my girlfriend and I agreed when we first met that if we ever got married, we'd allow each other to choose one (1) person for the other's wedding party as an emergency stand-in just in case one of us got left at the altar. When I told her I was writing this blog and asked for her pick, she blurted out this name before I could even finish the sentence. Honestly, I was a little surprised as he doesn't seem like her typical type physically. But he seems like a very nice, gentle person with a huge, throbbing heart so I assume it makes sense. Plus, he looks young so maybe he could be the bachelor party DD. I just hope he has what it takes to make her happy!

GROOMSMAN #1 (The Financier, Muscle & Best Man)

Floyd Mayweather: I've always wanted to be on the money team. Check. I love gambling, and watching my friends gamble (and lose). Check. I hate paying for anything, especially strippers. Check. I need a little muscle and fighting ability if Pax decides to get us into a brawl. Check. I'd like to have a handful of massive bouncers/security team follow us around and check IDs at the wedding reception. Check. You know Floyd has to one-up everyone else's gift, too. Floyd don't play that "registry" shit. As long as Floyd is best man, we're probably getting a house or Range Rover. And when he inevitably misplaces the wedding band at the ceremony, he'll just take one off his finger worth 10X as much and give it to me no questions asked. Easy decision. Floyd, will you be mine?

BACKUP GROOMSMAN:

Beans (Stephen Antony Lawrence): Beans gets the nod if any of the other guys are busy. Haven't seen him around and seems like he could use a fun couple of nights out. What an actor.