Competing with (and Destroying) Strangers

If you've ever seen HBO's Hard Knocks, Disney's Remember the Titans, or basically any Gene Hackman movie, you know that the most important thing in life is going out and competing every single day.

A stupid person might say "Gooey - that philosophy is in the context of sports, not going to the grocery store."

Fair enough - enjoy your pitiful, meaningless life. If you're fine being a loser one place, you're fine being a loser any place. For the rest of us completely healthy, sane and rational people, every single daily interaction contains a winner and loser. It has nothing to do with insecurity or being cut from the JV basketball team, and everything to do with establishing good habits and earning respect. Basically, be like the guy from Wolf of Wall Street.

I know some of the TWO-BIT-LOSERS reading this still don't get it. Your eyes are rolling into the back of your head. You're saying things like "Overcompensate much?" "Is this guy 12 years old?" and "Over/Under 1.5 inches?"

Well, I'm 32 years old. Let's run through a couple examples and see if I can't change your mind:

THE SELF CHECK-OUT LINE: Maybe it's nacho night and the Mrs. forgot to buy sour cream. She tells you the healthy Greek yogurt in the fridge tastes exactly the same, but you know that's bull shit. And so does she - but you can't blame her for trying as your tits and turkey neck hang lower every day. Bottom line - it's Sunday, when calories don't count. You run 2 minutes down the street and snag that sweet tub of cholesterol, expecting to be back in 5 minutes as the platter goes into the oven.

You arrive at the self-checkout to find two machines are down. Making matters worse, there's an old lady trying to flag down the attendant because she doesn't understand "scanning before bagging", a 45 year old divorced dad waiting to be carded for his case of Busch Light, and two other people treating the process like a Hawaiian sunset. GAME STARTS IN 15 MINUTES PEOPLE, LET'S FUCKING GOOOOO. Finally, the beer guy finishes up.

Your job is to get up there, already have your card out, scan, pay, and leave in 15 seconds or less. Do not let these sloths beat you. Everybody is on the clock. Lead by example. Maybe next time they'll have some self-awareness and hammer down.

GOOGLE DRIVE TIME: I could go about 18 different ways with driving. If you're first in the left turn lane with the green arrow and there is another left turn lane opposite the intersection of you - get the hell off the line and go as soon as the light turns. You are the leader of that lane. If your lane gets 8 cars through the light and the other only gets 5, who's the better, more alert driver?

Beating a tractor trailer "to the spot" before a merge point so you don't get stuck behind them.

Beating a muscle car driven by a bunch of cocky teens off the line before a merge point.

Getting an extra 2 exits down the road before stopping for gas, when your passengers told you there was "no way you can make it".

Getting a better parking spot than the one your significant other told you to take. No need to settle.

All good ones. But you don't always get those opportunities every day, but you do get the opportunity to beat Google every time you get behind the wheel. Seriously, what's better than stuffing the Melvins at Google in a proverbial locker? My general rule of thumb is to try to shave off 2 minutes for every Google-estimated 15 minutes of drive time. So let's say your destination is 1 hour away - the goal is to get there in 52 minutes. Google says half-hour? 26 minutes it is. So on and so forth. If you're an expert level competitor, try this for a long road trip: Take a picture of your phone next to a "Welcome To" sign (include the time) and then do the same when you arrive. Tweet it at Google with the phrase "How's Life in the Slow Lane, Nerds?" That'll show 'em.

URINALS: You're at the bar. Drinks are flowing. The Bud Light stains on your shirt are barely visible. Your new slim-fit H&M pants look great. The boys are buzzing - one of them just accidentally bumped into a girl, forcing a brief conversation ("sorry about that"). You head to the men's room to drain the hose before turning the dial up to 10. Man stuff.

In walks in another Bar Alpha. Or so he thinks. You know the guy. All black outfit. Ripped chino jeans. Hair like Bradley Cooper and a square jawline like Jennifer Garner. Probably a hockey player or something. If the boys have any chance at scoring tonight, you'll need to take him down a peg.

You both whip it out at the approximate same time. You hear his stream and it sounds like it's coming from Seabiscuit. It's looking like a bloodbath, but then you remember the Tortoise vs. the Hare. Slow and steady wins the race. Eyes straight forward, steady stream while humming "Don't Go Chasin' Waterfalls" to yourself.

Before you know it, Johnny Bravo runs out of gas (and pee). He quietly zips up his pants and leaves the bathroom with his head held low while you're not even at the sputter phase yet. Who's the man now? You proceed to leave the bathroom, grinning like the Cheshire Cat. Later, you laugh at him as he leaves with the pretty girl, knowing he's holding her hand with the hand he forgot to wash in shame. He can have her. Time to reward yourself - call DP Dough from the Uber on the way home, wake up covered in grease and victorious.

AIRPORT WALKWAYS: Much like the driving topic, airports are an open sea of lesser humans just waiting to be physically and mentally dominated in competitions they are unaware they're partaking in.

The most glaring example we'll mention today is the flat moving walkway.

Almost everybody at the airport is in a hurry. Sometimes to make their flight, but always to leave. If you've ever been in an airport like Miami or Denver which require a traverse through a terminal, a train ride to baggage claim, and a shuttle to the parking lot, you know that every fucking second matters. Hesitate for one moment and you could be waiting an extra 15 - 30 minutes depending on time of day. There is nothing worse than returning from vacation already hungover on Sunday night and having to slum it with the farm animals of Denver waiting on the A-line at 11:30pm in 25 degree weather - trust me.

The point is that the flat walkways were specifically made to help people GET PLACES FASTER. And yet, stunningly, you still have plenty of brainless donkeys who use them for rest. You know, because walking is just too much work. They either stand there completely still, or mosey along at a snail's pace, blocking the lane for the rest of us athletes.

Your job is to anticipate this donkey before getting on the walkway at all, then walk next to them on the regular floor surface and beat them to the end. Give a stare down on the way by. Humiliate them so much that they never consider stepping foot in airport ever again.

DRINKING MORE THAN YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER THINKS YOU CAN:

The first step in giving up power in a relationship is letting the other person know what your drinking limits are. If they can predict the exact number of Bud Lights it takes for you to piss the bed, you've lost.

So don't let it happen. Warning signs include if he / she are saying things like "Can an Uber”, or "Babe, please don't pee the bed" or "You have a son now, stop blacking out on beer league Tuesday". Use this as an opportunity to figure out exactly how much he/she thinks you can drink, and make sure to go at least one over that.

Mix in a water if you have to. Hide some Gatorade next to the bed. Take one of those magic hangover pills I hear about on the radio. The minute you've drank 14 beers and got up to help with grocery shopping and yardwork when they said you couldn't...you've won. Now go get yourself a beer to celebrate.

There are many more examples, but hopefully by now everyone sees the point. If you're competing every day, you'll always have the opportunity to be a winner. Even if you're a loser.