TV: Grooming Your Toddlers for Jail

People always ask me why their kids are growing up to be criminals, and I always tell them it starts with the Disney Channel. Below we're going to take a look at a handful of common crimes and figure out which of their favorite characters could have provided the inspiration to their life behind bars. Some of them may not have technically been found guilty of these crimes, but it's almost a matter of time. Lock and Load.

HOMICIDE: STEVE (Blue's Clues).

The coup de grace. The first overall pick in the crime draft. We're going to get it out the way now because we simply can't have a discussion about crime without satisfying the American thirst for blood. And spare me the sensitive shit - they made like 19 Saw movies. For this one we're going with Steve. If 5 Seasons* of Dexter taught us anything, the key to getting away with murder is leaving no trace or clues. Who knows better about clue hunting than Steve? It's literally the guy's entire life. Additionally, as a strong, full grown male he'll be useful in the transportation of bodies. Steve comes with a highly submissive dog who can assist in hiding the bodies in a place where the police dogs won't smell it. And his male dog, named Blue, almost certainly is a reference to the Boys in Blue. I wouldn't be shocked if Steve had connections to law enforcement like Dexter, thereby allowing him to stay a step ahead of their every move. Plus, if you look at the guy's face, he's definitely killed someone already.

KIDNAPPING/RANSOM: Bev Bighead: Bev Bighead could probably kidnap a kid in broad daylight and no one would notice. She has the look of a fed-up mother dragging her kid through a Target parking lot down to a science. Onlookers would simply assume the little brat crying for help was her own. Bev wears the pants in the Bighead family, and would sure as hell be a tough negotiator. You ain't getting your kid back for cheap. Bev frequently spies on Heffer and Rocko, so you know her recon work would be solid and the plan would go off without a hitch. She's got a highly versatile skill set that includes sometimes turning up the sex appeal, which could be useful in getting cops to let their guard down. It could be argued she already has kidnapping in her blood, as evidenced by her "adoption" of Earl the Dog. If you were Earl, would you want to be adopted by the Bigheads?

DRUG TRAFFICKING: Eustace Bagge (Courage the Cowardly Dog): Eustace is basically a spitting image of Clint Eastwood in the Mule, and we know how well that one was going until Clint decided to be a stubborn high-and-mighty putz. Eustace is incredibly greedy so offering him Mule money will get him off the recliner in a hurry. Just like Steve from Blue's Clues, his chicken shit dog can help him conceal the smell. He already has the truck. His wife Muriel barely pays any attention to him as-is, and certainly wouldn't mind having the house to herself during Eustaces' bi-monthly road trips across the border. Just like Clint Eastwood, nobody is going to suspect the crusty old white man is working for the cartel. It's late in Eustace's life, and this may be his last chance to leave a compelling a legacy like his brother Horst did.

IDENTITY THEFT / CYBER CRIME: Jimmy Neutron: Easy pick. Jimmy is a boy genius and could probably hack your nudes and bank statements over morning coffee. First target has got to be Cindy Vortex. Nothing will shut up a stubborn, bossy rival like a little blackmail. Jimmy is almost certainly going to leave a cyber trail leading back to his guinea pig / "best friend" Carl Wheezer. Hopefully Carl has his barf bag and inhaler on hand when the authorities come, because it's going to be quite a shock when they find his classmate's bank account information and pictures of Jimmy's mom Judy on his personal laptop. By then, Jimmy will be long gone to another dimension or something - his clueless father being none the wiser.

ARMED ROBBERY: Elastigirl / Mrs. Incredible (The Incredibles): If you're an idiot without a brain, you may have answered Woody from Toy Story on this one. He's got the bandanna, he's got the "Reach for the Sky" catch phrase. What's not to love? The problem is addition to being kind of a pansy who will certainly hesitate to pistol whip the bank teller, Woody's Tom Hanks voice is far too recognizable. I'm going with another Pixar character - the indomitable Mrs. Incredible. She's already got the mask so check that box. Next, everybody knows once the teller goes to get the money, they're pressing some button alerting the authorities. Elastigirl could eliminate the middle man by easily reaching over the counter or into the safe for the money as her partner holds everyone up with a shotgun. It's probably not a coincidence Mrs. I gives off the same vibe as another sexy heistess, Catwoman. She's got a family to live for and support, so you know she isn't going down without a fight.

DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE: Big Bob Pataki / Pataki Family (Hey Arnold!): I use the word "disturbance" here instead of abuse. That's in part because 1) I don't want this to get too dark; 2) Understand the Pataki household probably has plenty of reasons for visits from Child Protective Services than simply something physical. Big Bob cares more about his beepers than his severely disturbed daughter Helga, who's name he often forgets. He has a short temper. He's balding and his muscles are turning into beer weight. His older daughter Olga is a certified dime piece, and while he may favor her now, she's unquestionably going to cause a few casseroles to hit the wall when the boyfriends come home. He's already losing his grip on reality, claiming to have seen aliens on several occasions. His wife Mariam is an apparent alcoholic who he barely speaks with. A tornado is brewing in the Pataki household and Bob is the eye of the storm. I'm getting a little depressed...this was a kid's show?

SEXUAL ASSAULT: PeeWee Herman: Yep, we can probably move on. You get the idea.

• *Contrary to popular belief, Dexter did indeed end after 5 Seasons. Any reference to Seasons 6 - 8 is pure speculation, and definitely never happened.