Cupid's Arrow is Coming for These Celebrities

I just went to the convenience store to load up on gas, Swiss Rolls, and condoms like I do every Friday. As I was waiting in line I saw a devastating but all-too-common headline regarding the messy divorce of Brangelina (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie). Can you imagine the money involved? I can't even fathom how difficult it must be dividing up all the the toys they've bought for themselves over the years and are likely tired of now (houses, boats, kids, etc...).

I'm sure you had the same thought I did - if not them, who among us has any hope of finding love? I'm a romantic so I'm going to keep believing, but I'm smart enough to know one thing: Don't even start if you don't have a good "Couple Name" like Brangelina. There's a handful of public figures I think are missing out on slam-dunks, and hopefully today we can start pushing them into one another's arms.

WebbToe: Katherine Webb (beauty pageant) and Toby McGuire (Leo's sidekick)

The southern beauty famous for nearly ending Brent Musburger's career with her hottness would look great tangled up in Spiderman's Webb.

BoNer: Bo Burnham (guitar) and Neraida Bega (unknown)

Bo would have to work himself stiff and put in a lot of long, hard hours to go where no man has gone before with this Star Trek rocket ship.

Whoppi-Kushon: Whoppi Goldberg (nun) and Jared Kushner (philanthropist)

Two of the brightest political minds of the early 2020s who could easily heal tense relations between liberals and conservatives almost overnight. Problem is Jared is married so Whoppi will likely have to make the first move. To Whoppi I would say: Sister, Act.

Diddlor: Diddy (multi talented) and Lorraine Bracco (therapist)

Karen Hill found out the hard way that Mo Money does indeed equal Mo Problems in the mafia. Lorraine and Diddy would bond almost immediately, having both been famous for strong performances alongside their now-deceased gangster costars.

Far-Fetched: Farrah Fawcett (model) and Air Bud (pro athlete)

They say all dogs go to heaven. Let's hope both of these blonde long haired beauties find each other at the pearly gates.

Port-O-John: Natalie Portman (black swan) and Olabisis Johnson (football)

This match is so perfect they won't even have the option to flush it down the toilet. The Minnesota Vikings wide receiver knows a good catch when he sees one.

Brown Trout: Foxy Brown (rapper) and Mike Trout (deaf mute)

This is also a home-run, but unlike Port-O-John, these two are capable of flushing this down the toilet. It will just be extremely big, messy, and will stink for both of them.

McNugget: Melissa McCarthy (spokesperson) and Nikola Jokic (basketball)

The Curb Your Enthusiasm actress and Denver Nuggets superstar would share plenty of laughs over having to constantly prove the fat-shamers wrong. Right after they finish up their Happy Meal.

DickHead Richard Simmons (bodybuilder) and Lena Headey (former mother)

If the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms can get her own brother into bed, who's to say she can't turn the world's most intimidating gay man?

Laffy Taffy: Karen Lafferty (rock star) and John Taffer (babysitter)

The international Christian Rock superstar and author of Glory & Praise: Third Addition is certainly not going to SHUT IT THE FUCK DOWN if bar and restaurant guru John Taffer asks her out on a date.

Dutch Ovin: Carice Van Houton (witch) and Ovince St. Pereux (Frechman)

The Dutch-born actress famous for showing her boobs no matter the circumstances would have no problem setting fire to the UFC superstar's heart. Let's just hope they don't have any kids.

DingleBerry: Ding Ning (ping pong) and Matthew Berry (professional nerd)

Some people might think this relationship smells like shit, that they'd immediately be hanging on by a hair. But I disagree. Both have made careers out of games typically reserved for people who aren't athletic enough to do anything else.

Jack-Off: Jackie James (tik-tok) and Nick Offerman (activist)

The Tik-Tok superstar and JB-Weld pitchman will have to rub out the wedding details and keep their hands to themselves for another year, since Jackie is only 17.

Long Johnson: Nia Long (actress) and Gary Johnson (male model)

We'll end on a 2-for-1. I like Long Johnson, but we could go with Long John Silver since Gary over here is looking like a Silver Fox. Gary once looked to be the Fresh Price representing a long-overdue 3rd party in America, but his candidacy turned out to be a Fatal Affair.