Ditch the Masks: Bring On COVID Capes

The opportunity to make the cape an acceptable fashion accessory has evaded me for years, but the day has finally arrived. If I'm Jack Torrance running mad through the Overlook Hotel, the Coronavirus is my helpless wife and the Cape is my axe. Stay with me - I know we're all sick of talking about the COVID turd in the punch bowl. But trust me, it's running scared, praying we don't all start wearing capes. In addition to the health benefits I'm about to describe, the cape also checks three boxes all 21st Century fashion icons look for: Price, Function, and Badass. Let's review:

Health Benefits: Question: What's worse than killing grandma? Answer: Looking stupid with a mask on while you do it. Let's break down the mask, shall we? A thin, 18 square inch piece of tacky, potentially murderous paper. It will protect you and everyone else for approximately one (1) sneeze. After that, you're inhaling your own disgusting, disease-filled mucus. You can barely breathe. No one can see your face. If you take it off, it's most likely hanging around your chin - still directly in line with grandma's mouth (and everyone around you). Now consider the diagram above left. The PCGs (Peripheral Cough Guards) immediately put the English kiss greeting back in play. Concerts, theaters, and church pews too. The danger in those places is coming from behind you and beside you - now it's stopped dead in it's tracks. Grandma can see your face, which is all she ever wanted anyway. Feel a cough coming on? Reach down for 144 Square Inches of Prime PCA (Personal Cough Area). And when you've hacked through every inch? The germs drop right to the floor and out of harm's way instead of hanging AROUND YOUR FACE. I give it approximately 2 weeks before the pandemic transitions fully from humans to ants, rats, spiders and snakes where it belongs. Considering none of those animals provide any environmental benefit, we won't miss them.

Price: Lenny Kravitz and Elon Musk's wife will probably upgrade, but the rest of us can easily afford a cape on the next grocery run. Take it from someone who wears children's Halloween costumes as a 31 year old - you can get them as cheap as $5. Expect somewhat of a price increase as the supply chain catches up, but rest assured the price point will remain reasonable for all working Americans. The cape industry is not a greedy industry. In fact, maybe we can get Trump to include a cape with the next PPP package. If everyone commits to wearing them, that'll be the last package we need.

Function: The cape is breathable, lightweight, and aerodynamic. It is uni-sex. In addition to the obvious health benefits, you can use a cape as the following if you get in a bind: Napkin, rain gear, place mat, towel, murder weapon, parachute for small leaps, window drape, bandanna, condom, emergency toilet paper, fan, rescue device, bull-fighting drape.

Bad-ass: Imagine the confidence of approaching a girl at the bar with a cape on. That guy from the Pick-Up Artist wore a cape pretty much every night, and still got laid despite insulting paid actresses to their face. Not only does the woman know you take yourself and COVID safety seriously, but you're automatically dangerous in a sexy way. Do this: Creep up behind her with your back turned at the bar. Listen in on her conversation. Right when she gets to the punchline of her story, interrupt her by slowly turning around with the Personal Cough Area pulled up just below your eyes, and offer to buy her a Bloody Mary in your best Hannibal Lecter voice. Assume her name is Clarice. Other bad-asses who wear capes: Every superhero and vampire, The Pope, Ramsay Bolton, Celopatra, the guy from Rocky Horror Picture Show, V for Vendetta guy, Darth Vader, the Hocus Pocus Witches, Spawn, Phantom of the Opera, The Undertaker, Voldemort. Try to find a bigger group of bad-asses, I'll wait (forever).

The facts can't be ignored, time to make the cape happen for ourselves and each other. The COVID Cape Committment starts today. Are you in or are you an antiquated murderer?