DJ Qualls: The Most Dangerous Man in Showbiz

Hat Tip to "AZNUDE.COM" for the perfect photo header. *Chef's Kiss* Perfecto.

Most of us were introduced to DJ Qualls' generational talent at the turn of the century, with his breakout role in 2000's Road Trip. The year is noteworthy because it was the golden age of my generation's raunchy teen comedy. American Pie and Varsity Blues had turned countless boys into men just a year prior in 1999, so Road Trip had big shoes to fill.

The movie still holds up today for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which was Qualls' willingness to completely humiliate himself. We don't have to go through every scene, but suffice to say his sex scene with a woman twice his size and unknowingly ingesting ass and nut butter-covered pancakes were among the most memorable.

He followed that up with 2002's The New Guy, which was absolutely putrid. He basically played basically the exact same character, only with far less charisma, frosted tips, and terrible writing. How about Eliza Dushku though? No complaints on that casting decision, man.

Then....something happened.

It's my theory that Qualls sensed he was being typecast, which you can't really blame casting directors for given the face and body type they were working with. Not wanting to end up the butt of every joke for the rest of his life, Qualls began to collect blackmail material throughout the industry and using it to obtain more masculine roles he had no business being in. I realize this is hard to believe since Hollywood is a beacon of morality, honesty, and fully consensual sex. But how else do you explain the roles that followed? Let's explore:

Hustle & Flow (2005): Hustle & Flow was generally well-received, detailing the gritty life of a pimp's rise to rap fame. Qualls is introduced as a church pianist, first being described as "whack" by Terrance Howard's pimp. Who was cooler than Terrance Howard in 2005? Ever heard of Four Brothers or Get Rich or Die Tryin? The point is - if you can win over 2005 TH, then you're a cool son of a bitch. Qualls lays down a beat that goes harder than Shaq in the paint, and the rest is history.

Criminal Minds (2005): He played someone named "Richard Slessman" who was an accomplice to a serial killer who listened to Enter Sandman before bed. I'm not going to act like I saw the episode, but I'm terrified just reading about it.

Breaking Bad (2009): Poor Badger. You kind of have to feel for him here. If I asked you to draw a desperate New Mexico tweaker, you'd probably sketch DJ Qualls with yellow teeth. Furthermore, there is absolutely zero chance I am worried this string-bean is a fucking cop. You kidding me? Qualls doesn't even look old enough to buy cigarettes, let alone blue crystal meth on a sting operation. What's he gonna do if he gets in a tangle with Tuco Salamanca? Probably have his nerd face caved in. Anyway - this was the first of a handful of "badass" roles that seemed to have fallen out of the sky for ol' Gumby.

Perception (2013 - 2015): Again, I have no clue on this one. But he played an FBI agent named Rudy Fleckner. Doesn't sound like someone you want to mess with.

Fargo (2017): Is Fargo still underrated? Or is it properly rated? It's one of the best shows going in my opinion, and somehow I still feel like not enough people have seen it. Anyway - Big Q played an assassin in Season 3, ultimately meeting his demise via a pretty sweet beheading. Was there a soul existing on planet earth who thought the shit pancake eater from Road Trip would be playing someone who kills people for the mob? Get real.

Man in the High Castle (2015): Alright, so maybe Qualls wasn't exactly Iron Man in this show. Still, he stood up to armed maniac Frank Fink when he was about to assassinate some Japanese politician, makes guns for a living, and actively works on intelligence which will help undermine Nazi and Japanese tyrants. And apparently he turns out to be gay, which is cool I guess. I didn't make it to Season 3. Spoiler alert?

Z Nation (2014): Qualls plays someone named Citizen Z, who apparently is in the armed forces and has a dog. Would anyone want The New Guy in their platoon? Anyway, I have to at least give my boy Qualls some kudos on that beard. Talk about bumping up your score a couple points.

As a side note - what an absolute bail-out the beard is. Beards are pretty much makeup for dudes. Name me one ugly guy who got even uglier with a nice, full beard like DJ here. My girlfriend still doesn't know I have a disgusting double chin and we've known each other for like 8 years. Beards have also become much more accepted in the workplace, which is the godsend all us uglies have been waiting on for decades.

Creepshow (2019): Uhhhh haven't seen this show either, but that is ONE HELL of a one-minute clip. Qualls is hanging out with some sort of Alien-penis hybrid creature and doesn't seem phased one bit. Then he gets a call from a debt collector and tells them to go fuck themselves. Sounds like he's also running from the police. Badass? Check.

Supernatural (2020): He plays a hunter turned werewolf. Not exactly nerd material.

So there you have it. The lesson? I didn't buy DJ Qualls in Breaking Bad and Fargo. Also, don't start a blog without at least 3 examples of hard evidence.