Dreamier Dream Job: Maury Povich vs. Titanic Thompson

If you know me, you know how much I love two things: 1) Winning money in highly questionable ways, and 2) Watching people voluntarily shatter their lives in front of a live studio audience.

I'm going to proceed on the assumption that most people reading this are familiar with the Maury Povich show. The Emmy Winner (Outstanding Hair styling and Makeup) was one of my favorite daytime TV comedies growing up. Eventually, Dad sent me off to work for idiotic reasons like "learning the value of a dollar" and "not letting his son rot on the couch for 12 hours a day". Still, memories of those mornings with the smell of a fresh toasted Pop Tart and the sounds of a shrieking grown man realizing he had narrowly missed out on pawning off his illegitimate child to his best friend still provide a warm dose of nostalgia to this day.

As I grew older, I thought about what an incredible job Maury had. Most people don't know this, but Maury originally started his career as a Big-J Journalist. *Fart Noise*. Bouncing around from station to station, he took various talk show and reporting gigs all all over the country, probably making pennies. He started to find his niche with A Current Affair in 1986, and eventually settled into The Maury Povich Show in 1991. Sure, there were others like Ricki Lake, Montel and Jerry Springer around that same time, but Maury was a man before his time both in innovation and presentation. Ricki and Montel put viewers to sleep with boring story lines and Jerry embraced the trash to the point that he caught flack for it and turned off viewers. Meanwhile, like a charming Bachelorette front-runner, Maury had us convinced he was "there for the right reasons", earning himself a front row seat to the show. Think about how awesome his life was. He asks the same 5 questions to each couple(s) on the show about their history of infidelity, says a couple sweet nothings about how cute those completely-screwed kids are, reads what's on the card, then watches the fireworks. The show ends with him "consoling" the aggrieved mother/father, promising to help "figure this out" and "it will be OK, you've got a family now!" And when that became too much, he got to switch it up with a Jack Hanna episode and play with fucking Kangaroos and shit. All to the tune of $14 million dollar salary. Oh, and a 2.4 handicap. Guy plays golf at Pebble Beach with Steve Wilkos! Not too shabby.

I know what you're thinking: Gooey, enough, you have me convinced. Nobody could possibly have a more rewarding life than Maury Povich.

Enter Alvin Clarence Thomas, better known as Titanic Thompson. The fact this guy doesn't have a movie based on him yet is shocking.

Titanic was an infamous 1920's era hustler and gambler, but the way he won his bets is nothing short of fascinating. First of all, the man was a legitimately incredible golfer, so good Ben Hogan once called him the "best shot maker" he'd ever seen. Thompson once famously declared that he didn't go pro because he "couldn't afford the pay cut", often making more in a weekend hustling than most pros made in a year. He would gamble on a round with an unsuspecting mark, take their money, then go double-or-nothing on the next round on the condition he play left-handed. What the mark didn't know was Titanic was ambidextrous, and was even better lefty. Oh, and he didn't learn to golf until he was in his THIRTIES.

Titanic was also a legendary traveling roadster/hustler, often winning bets in extremely disingenuous ways. One of my favorite scams was betting someone he could hit a 500 yard drive (average at the time was 200), then wait until winter and tee it up over a frozen lake where the ball would roll well past 500 yards. You can find a number of links outlining his greatness, but there is still somewhat of a remarkable shortage of information on him. He was also a card player, horse bettor, and pool shark. The point is, he made shit ton of money and had fun doing it.

When you're earning a living like Titanic you're bound to encounter some perks (dating famous actresses) and some drawbacks (having to kill four gangsters for trying to steal back money he won from them). But all in all, the guy was an absolute beauty and probably wouldn't change a thing.

So who had it better? Like all things, it comes down to priorities. If you're content with married life and wearing a sweater to work every day, reading paternity tests to strangers on TV ain't a bad hustle. If you like a little more spice in your life and are OK with some danger lurking around the corner, you're a Titanic Thompson person. Personally, I'm still coming for that Maury Povich job in my old age. I'd love to see what those Emmy-winning hair stylists could have done with my flow. It's way too good for a 1920s fedora anyway.