Fighting Animals to the Death

I was sitting around the fire with friends and family over the 4th when somehow we got on the topic of fighting bears. Our lake house is in a part of Maryland that gets quite a few of them; it's not entirely uncommon to see a mid-size black bear running through the woods or yard nearby.

That conversation segue'd nicely into a broader discussion about fighting all kinds of animals. Finally someone asked the question that was on everyone's mind: What is the largest / scariest animal you think you could fight to the death? There are no PETA members in the family, but if there were, they would have had to answer first. A kind, nuanced discussion between friends began. There were no insults, cursing, and no one called anybody names such as weak, chicken legged, pompous moron.

Every great hypothetical must come with a set of parameters, and this one is no different. The gospel is as follows:

1. The animal is mid-size for it's species. Not the biggest you've ever seen, but not a baby either. Normal temperament for that animal.

2. You encounter this animal in it's natural habitat, not a UFC octagon.

3. No weapons other than what you can find nearby.

4. The stakes quite literally are life and death. Full desperation mode. For parents, imagine you were the only thing between the animal and your child. For the rest of us, well, imagine Game of Thrones starts in an hour and you're 15 minutes from a TV.

5. You're in your current state of fitness. No "if I was in the best shape of my life" shit. We're dealing with enough hypotheticals.

6. This is "what is possible", NOT "what is likely". Meaning that even if you'd lose most of the fights, is there a somewhat reasonable likelihood (say 20%) that you could win?

We'll do this in ascending order based on animal that was thrown out by various members of the subject party. Here we go:

SQUIRREL: This was thrown out by a not-to-be-named uncle. Talk about lack of confidence. I think the line was "maybe a squirrel on my best day. I ain't moving around very fast." There's always one guy in every group who overplays his incompetence to comedic effect. We all shared a laugh while his wife stared angrily at him after he was very clearly reminded of Parameter #3. He claimed to have understood the rules and stuck with his answer.

DOG: Let's all take a breather here and remember this is just a game. A game of life and death, yes, but a game nonetheless. We all love dogs. This is obviously a tough one since there are so many different breeds. Rottweilers and German Shepard's were thrown out because of Parameter #1, so we settled on boxers. Most agreed if push came to shove, the boxer would be taken care of. That was a tough one for me because I grew up with a boxer. But I kicked her ass and I'll kick this imaginary boxer's ass, too.

BOBCAT: Another common animal in the mountains of Maryland / West Virginia. Wild and Wonderful! Bobcats are actually about as intimating as the Charlotte hoops team (not very). The name 'Bobcat' strikes fear but you'd be surprised how small they are (about 2-3 feet and 20 pounds). They're fast as shit though. This is where it gets dicey, but again, I think most of us agreed this battle would look a lot like The Mountain vs. The Viper (spoiler alert!) The sheer mass / weight advantage would eventually come out on top, but that doesn't mean we're walking away without a potentially mortal wound.

ALLIGATOR: Worth mentioning at this stage: It was a long day and most of us had plenty of Claw/Corona/IPA in our systems. I don't know if you can technically have hypothetical beer muscles, but this is where they started pulsating. I feel like the playbook is kind of out on Gators. Whether it Ace Ventura, Happy Gilmore, or the Man Himself, they constantly choke under pressure. Gators are the Notre Dame of the animal kingdom. Big reputation, look scary, will beat up on inferior competition, but their weaknesses are easily exposed by formidable opponents. Golfers down in Florida encounter like 700 a day and you never hear of any deaths. An average gator gets me 7/10 times, but I'm capable of wrestling my way on top and triangle choking the shit out of it.

WOLF: Alright. OK. Hear me out. Let's all take a deep breath and remember the parameters here. Average wolf, in the woods, and you have a choice between killing this thing or never seeing your family again. One wolf, not a pack. We aren't talking about the monsters from The Grey. The average male wolf is 66 - 180 lbs, so I'm most likely outweighing it. That wolf is eating my lunch 8-9 times out of 10, but I genuinely feel like if I can find a sharp stick and protect my neck, maybe, MAYBE, I can get my arms around it and do some damage. If I'm lucky enough to walk away I'm almost certainly horribly disfigured and probably bleeding out before finding the trail head, but you never know.

SNAKE: N/A. Just using this space to say fuck snakes forever and ever

BEAR: Now we're at 4 Loko muscles. There's only one man who's surviving a bear mauling and it ain't me. Time to put out the fire and go to bed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

• Kangaroo: No chance. Way too pliable to get your hands around. Lethal combination of striking power and speed

• Orangutan: The Sumatran Orangutan is only about 100 pounds, but those things have Dad muscles. The Bornean gets up to 220. Here's your teeth, thanks for coming.

• Shark: I'd rather die than win a fight with a shark and live with the horrifying memory. Say "no" to drugs and the ocean, kids.

SURVEY SAYS: Wolf, on your best day.