Fingernails vs. Boogers: Are You in Danger?

Pro Tip: If you want to be taken seriously, try not to have a nickname like "Gooey" or "Booger".

Now that we got that out of the way, on to today's topic. Boogers vs. Fingernails. I was watching "The Pick" episode of Seinfeld the other night. Long plot short, Jerry's girlfriend Jennifer Campbell (all time rocket) witnesses him scratching his nose. She mistakes it for a "pick", is grossed out, and subsequently breaks up with him.

For some reason it made me think about how many boogers must be flying around out there at any given moment. *Billy Mays voice* But that's not all! What about fingernails? People are picking at their fingernails all the time. Spitting them all over the joint. Hopefully not in and around home, but probably. Fingernails and boogers are probably the two most common forms of visible human waste that are all around us. Maybe hair but that's usually relegated to the shower/sink. Based on a highly scientific 27 second Google search I just performed, neither is super biodegradable either. We are swimming in a sea of boogers and fingernails.

But how serious is this problem? Which are you more likely to find in your ham sandwich? Let's explore:

BOOGERS: According to the boogie facts section of a website I just found, 1 / 4 people pick their nose at least once daily. As we all know, nose pickers are like shower pissers. You either admit to doing it or you're a liar. Now, the people who did tell the truth admitted to picking their nose at least 5 times / day. Let's assume only one person was lying (even though it's more) and you have 50% of the population picking 5 times/day. Some quick boogie math:

• Assume of those 5 picks, two (2) yield a solid booger

• 2 boogers X 365 days = 730 boogies/year/person.

• 730 boogies x 164 million (half the US population) = 119.7 Billion boogies per year.

• 119.7B / 3.8M square miles = 31,505 boogers/square mile

• 31,505 boogers / 93 people/square mile = 339 boogers/person.

• Congrats, you encounter 339 NEW boogers per year, or about 1/day.

FINGERNAILS: Apparently only 50% of kids 10 - 18 bite their fingernails, and the habit subsides by 30. That's also a lie, but this blog sucks and I'm not going to spend time figuring out how to account for the rest of the population, so let's just include a 20% contingency factor at the end.

• Approx. 15% of the population is 10 - 18

• 15% X 164 million (half the US pop)) = 24.6M biters

• Assume half the fingers yield a solid nail, so 5 nails/biter.

• Fingernails grow, so let's account for 12 bite sessions/year. So 5 X 12 = 60 nails/biter/year.

• 60 x 24.6M = 1.476 billion nails/year.

• 1.476 B / 3.8M square miles = 388 nails/square mile.

• 388 nails / 93 people per square mile = 4 nails/person.

• Add 20% contingency and you've got about 5 nails/person.

• Congrats, you encounter 5 nails a year. Maybe this isn't such a problem after all.

Conclusions:

1. Given 1) The booger's tendency to hang around under tables and armchairs vs. the nail on the ground, and 2) Given the daily booger picking frequency compared to the once/month nail biting frequency, you're about 67 times more likely to be attacked by a booger than you are a finger nail.

2. The US population profusely lies to surveyors

3. If someone came up to me in a mall and asked me to fill out a booger picking survey, I'd fill it out truthfully or not respond at all. I don't go to malls, but apparently we need more honest mall shoppers.