For God Sake Please Create Yelp Filters

I'm going to start off by slapping a big fat trademark on this idea if (when) it gets green-lighted by the nerds in Silicon Valley. Any attempt to put this idea into practice without my consent will result in a federal lawsuit, unless of course I'm on the receiving end of a hefty check or at least some half-off coupons at participating restaurants.

A few years ago, South Park did what they always do - issue a well-deserved and near-flawless satire of loathsome Yelpers. That description is probably redundant since you're unlikely to enjoy the company of anyone who thinks the internet isn't complete without their opinion of the local Arby's. Still, I'm here to champion their cause, and only ask for a slight adjustment in return. I'm fully aware this will be a cumbersome job, as anyone who has worked at a big corporation will understand. Convincing users of tech systems to go "out with the old and in with the new" is like getting your puppy to go near the vacuum cleaner. But much like the messaging from your CEO, this is the path forward and will allow us to be much more nimble, streamlined, and serve our customers better than ever! I'll need a check for that one too, Yelp.

Oh and last caveat: I recognize the hypocrisy of my ways. I will constantly shit on the self-importance of Yelpers yet refuse to go out for pizza, burgers of Mexican unless they've provided me a sufficient number of (free) reviews. I think a lot of people are in my boat so let's just agree that Yelpers are the honey bees of the human race. Annoying but extraordinarily necessary. Back to the topic at hand.

The adjustment I'd like to make would be to add a handful of categories that could be scored seperately, not just an X / 5 star overall score. Users could then sort restaurants by those categories depending on what they are looking for. The reasoning is obvious - the factors that matter to some people don't matter at all to others. For example, I don't give a rat's ass if the meathead at Mom & Pop's Pizza was rude to Susan over the phone, or if they forgot the side salad, or if the pizza was twenty minutes late. I just want to know how the goddam pizza tasted, and a picture wouldn't hurt.

Susan's one star review means absolutely nothing to me. I WANT my pizza place to be rude to me. I WANT them to be behind schedule. I WANT the ordering experience to feel rushed. I WANT to be laughed out of the building if I try to order a burger or a vegan pie. Those are the signs of authenticity and a good product. I have a functioning brain and understand by looking at the menu / vibe what the proper thing to order is. No pizza worth eating should be subject to the delivery risk. Unless you're nursing and anvil sized hangover and lay up with a Domino's pitching wedge, go pick up the fucking pizza yourself right as it's coming out of the oven. Get the experience. The only thing I care about is the taste. That's it.

Or take a first date, for example. In that situation, ambiance is all I care about (and price, depending how desperate I am). I care NOT ONE iota what the food tastes like. I'm there to pretend to look cool for picking out a trendy spot and elevate small talk to medium talk as quickly as possible. Both parties are just trying to limit the awkwardness of the experience, have some drinks, and figure out if they're getting laid. Don't sit me next to a family of five, play some decent music, and we've got a chance to salvage the evening.

So let's separate them. To keep it simple for our free labor Yelpers, let's go with four (4) categories: 1) Food Taste 2) Ambiance 3) Service 4) Price. The nerds can figure out a way to average them out for an "overall score" if people want to stick with the old way.

That will be a good test run. We'll get more granular depending on how successful the initial experience is for everyone. This is good for everybody - make it happen.