Gaga for Guglia: An Elite Sandler Villain

Adam Sandler movies are hit or miss, that much is obvious. The best entries share a common denominator, the presence of a cartoonish villain opposite the Sandler main character. Shooter McGavin and Eric Gordon are the clear-cut Jordan / LeBron on that particular list, but I'm here to tell you why #3 should be almost as obvious as the two ahead of him.

Glenn Guglia, played by Matthew Grave, is your bronze medal recipient. Like Shooter McGavin actor Christopher McDonald, Grave found limited success outside of his iconic Sandler heel. A quick IMDB search shows his second-most prominent role was in something called “Funny Story”, followed closely by the FBI agent in Corky Romano, the Chris Kattan Oscar snub. From there, it's mostly a barren wasteland of spot roles and TV shows. One could be forgiven for thinking Grave was born to play Glenn Guglia. Matthew may disagree, but there's no chance he's reading this and I'm trying to make a fucking point here.

First of all, the name is sensational. It’s not enough that the film’s leading sweetheart “Julia” (played by a prime-of-her-life Drew Barrymore) is on the verge of marrying a serial cheater and jerk. She’s also in peril of marrying into a rhyming name that sounds like something Butters from South Park would make up. It makes you pause to wonder why Sandler & Team didn't just go all-in and name her Ivanna, then fill in Glenn's last name. Probably because Julia Guglia is pretty goddam funny as it is.

As for the character himself, he shares two common personality traits with the best Sandler Villains. 

The first is being comically open with their evil intentions without the people who matter ever seeming to take notice. Shooter sucks up to the media who are glad to oblige and promote his squeaky clean image, despite openly insulting fans and competitors with cameras everywhere. Can you imagine if Tiger had bought Phil Mickelson's grandmother's destitute house back in the day? There's still time, Tiger. Eric Gordon is an obvious sociopath who seems perpetually on the verge of murder and takes great joy in everyone's failures but his own, yet Carl and Mr. Madison mostly treat him with a professional level of respect. Back to Guglia — Julia has made it no more than 11 steps towards the bathroom before Glenn begins bragging to Robbie, a man he barely knows, about his rampant infidelity. He regularly insults Christine Taylor (not going to look up the character name) to her face, drives drunk, and propositions flight attendants as he's sitting next to his sleeping fiance. He punches Robbie with impunity, laughs in his face, and is rewarded in the morning with a surprise flight to Vegas to marry our sweet Julia. The moxie on this guy. 

The second trait is one-liners. Basically every word out of Shooter and Eric’s mouth is comedy gold, so no need to repeat them here. Glenn Guglia has plenty of his own. A handful of my favorites:

• Hey, asswipe, don’t go snitching to Julia about this. I know you got a little crush on her, but you gotta face the facts: she’d rather go to bed with a REAL man. Not some poor singing orphan

• That’s Grade A Top Choice Meat (referring to a cocktail waitress half his age)

• I work in the city man, and I work LONG hours

• You know, you should write a song about this. You could call it “I got punched in the nose for sticking my face in other people’s business!

• “Who hasn’t?” (responding to Applegate claiming to have kissed Robbie)

• You better get out of my way, Billy [Idol]. You’re gonna get hurt.

• Mmm. I hate the aisle seat. Every time that drink cart comes by it bangs me in the elbows.

I’ve made my case. Other Sandler classics like Big Daddy and Mr. Deeds are perfectly enjoyable movies, but fail to reach the same stratosphere as those previously mentioned. This is due to a lack of a compelling antagonist who is so evil you have no choice but to root for him. I’m willing to at least engage the argument for The Waterboy’s Coach Red Beaulieu as the only other contender for the #3 spot, but like the Longest Yard, there are almost too many bad guys in each of those two movies for just one to stand out. Glenn Guglia, you’ve earned your bronze medal. Now go use it to join the Mile High Club with a piece of Grade A top choice meat.