Holy Mackerel! And Other Forgotten Phrases

Would a Holy Mackerel condemn Kanye West for being a Gay Fish? We might never know.

In addition to "Holy Mackerel", which is a perfect phrase, there are other bits of American lexicon that seem to have disappeared over the last 20 years or so. Some of these are well past their expiration date and need to stay there, while others deserve a better fate. Today we're going to review a handful of forgotten words/phrases, and we'll assign them a designation that they either need to be revived (Holy Mackerel) or remain lifeless (Dead Fish). Let's begin:

TROUSERS: The catch-all for a nice pair of pants. Nothing like heading over to your grandparent's house on Christmas morning wearing that new fancy pair of chinos and having Grandpa remark: "Those trousers look awfully tight!" Not only is the word highly versatile for just about any pair of pants, but can be shortened to sound hip (Sick Trousies) or rhymed with 'Power'. The application of Power Trousers is infinite. Maybe the lucky pants you wear on a first date, or for a big presentation at work, or baseball pants you haven't washed since hitting a home run. Plus, who doesn't like referring to a penis as a Trouser Snake? Designation: HOLY MACKEREL

TENNIS SHOES: There was a time in life where any pair of shoes you couldn't wear to church were referred to as 'Tennis Shoes'. Didn't matter if you and everyone around you had never played tennis. If you outgrew your basketball shoes, the next season your mom would have to take you to the mall to get a new pair of 'tennies'. Given that 'sneakers' is on life support as it is, we probably ought to focus on keeping that one alive and let Tennis Shoes stay 6 feet under. Designation: DEAD FISH.

DAG-NAMMIT: I never could figure out if this was just my grandpa's way of not saying 'God Dammit' in front of me, or if it was actually part of his vocabulary. Either way, despite being clean enough to bathe in, Dag-Nammit had a sound that always caused eyes to widen and ears to perk. It has a way of cutting through the air, slicing and dicing, conveying anger in a way few non-PG words can. It sounds just bad enough to frighten. One could argue that when uttered with the right tone and cadence, Dag-Nammit could easily cause a 5 year old to wet his trousers more than 'fuck' or 'god dammit' ever could. While every college football coach in Florida keeps 'dad-gummit' alive, we need to do our part to save 'dag-nammit.' Designation: HOLY MACKEREL

STUPENDOUS: I don't know if this is so much an old person's word as much as just underutilized in general. The next time you're sending a quick work email thanking someone, instead of saying something generic like 'great' or 'awesome', throw in a "Stupendous, thanks so much" and see if you don't get promoted by the end of the week. Designation: HOLY MACKEREL

HANDKERCHIEF: I'll be honest, up until typing it 7 seconds ago, I had no idea there was a 'D' in this word. Is the D silent? Who knows. Anyway, before Handkerchiefs became accessories for hippies at Coachella to protect against dust and smug, the OGs used them as tissues for catching snot rockets. The actual practice is pretty unbelievable in it's own right. Imagine going on a date in 2020 and pulling out a handkerchief, sneezing into it, and then putting it back in your front pocket and continuing the conversation. Even better, offering it to your date as a napkin 5 minutes later. Still, the olds might have been ahead of their time on this one. There really isn't a reasonable substitute, as sneezing into your actual shirt is technically every bit as gross despite being generally accepted. COVID might bring back the need for Handkerchief's anyway, but aside from that we have to keep it active until an alternative presents itself. Designation: HOLY MACKEREL

JIVE TURKEY: I'm told via an Urban Dictionary search that this phrase was mostly used in 1970s to describe someone who is a liar/unreliable/exaggerator. The last time I can think of hearing it was in Semi-Pro (what a scene), and an internet search reveals it was used a bunch in episodes of The Jeffersons and by Homer Simpson before fading away. Other definitions make references to it's use in black culture, so maybe it's a little dicey for a white person to make this call? Then there's this nerd who's YouTube name is Jive Turkey, and I'm fairly confident he's white. It's all a little confusing, so I'll play it safe and defer this decision to Al Sharpton. The Semi-Pro scene is hilarious, so maybe bringing it back could be something people of all races, creeds and faiths could rally around in these delicate times? I guess we'll wait and see, but if I'm wrong, hopefully they cancel the YouTube guy first. He's got 10,000 views and this blog will be lucky to get 50. Designation: [PENDING PC APPROVAL] - HOLY MACKEREL.

FLAPJACKS: I don't think anyone refers to pancakes as flapjacks anymore, which is a shame because it's wholly descriptive. The top 5 or so UD definitions reference saggy boobs instead. Who knew? I'd really like to bring this one back, but we're probably not going to get the pancake companies to change their packaging to something that could be seen as insulting. I also wouldn't want to confuse anyone if I told them I had two of my grandma's huge famous flapjacks for breakfast. Designation: DEAD FISH.

CRIPES: Pretty simple PG substitute for "damnit" or "shit" when someone is annoyed, flabbergasted or frustrated. It's an exclamation word. It also may have been birthed as a substitute for 'Christ!' but I cannot confirm. I'll always remember it from when Lloyd lost his wallet trying to obtain some X-rated reading material. This was just before he was robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. Didn't even see it coming. 'Cripes' has by all accounts been virtually eliminated since, but that doesn't mean we can't try to revive it. Like Dumb & Dumber, 'Cripes' is far too timeless and cutting edge to just forget about, and should be referenced at least once/week. Designation: HOLY MACKEREL

ALL REFERENCES TO "CAT": Anytime you heard someone or something described as some form of a cat, you knew it meant cool as hell. 'Cool cat', 'cat's meow', 'cat's pajamas', Kat Williams, etc....Now the reference is used almost exclusively by Carol Baskin and people doing bad impressions of Carol Baskin. The phrase is as dead as her first husband. Designation: DEAD FISH

DON'T LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH: I don't know what this means, but my best guess is "something bad is about to happen if you keep doing what you're doing." Sort of like "Don't poke the bear." Although I'd rather look a gift horse in the mouth vs. in the ass and risk getting kicked or shit on. I'm probably way off but if it's this confusing to someone as brilliant as myself, nobody else probably gets it either. Designation: DEAD FISH

NIFTY: True story: One of my best friends thought it was the "Penn State Nifty Lions" until he was 17 years old. I still don't think he can properly pronounce 'Nittany'. He's also a degenerate college football gambler, making the gaffe even funnier and more unacceptable. Dumb as he may be, 'Nifty' is a stupendously broad substitute for "good" that deserves to maintain relevance. You really only hear 'nifty' in sports broadcast lingo to describe something skillful, but it's got everyday-level pedigree. Go show grandpa your nifty pair of trousers next Thanksgiving, or better yet, tell your significant other you'd like to try out this 'nifty little move' in the bedroom. He/she won't know what hit them. Designation: HOLY MACKEREL

SHUCKS: I feel like this might still be popular in certain rural parts of the country, so maybe it doesn't deserve to be on this list. Either way, just say "fuck" like an adult. Designation: DEAD FISH

LIKE THE DICKENS: Far as I can tell, this is a substitute for "like hell" or "like the devil". For example, "Cripes, being eaten alive by your wife's tigers must have hurt like the dickens." Name me a better sentence, you can't. Designation: HOLY MACKEREL