How Much Jail Time Is Too Much Jail Time?

If you're blessed with girly legs, a tight ass, and a smoking-hot effeminate face like I am, the question has undoubtedly crossed your mind. Could I survive in jail? I understand it isn't ALL bad - biographies like The Longest Yard have shown us most violent criminals can be won over with a sassy wit, a hamburger connection, a great singing voice, or a decent basketball handle (all boxes I check). Still, it's always good to be prepared for the worst should you not end up at the jail run by professional wrestlers and Chris Rock.

Let's agree that spending a night behind bars qualifies as one (1) day in jail. For example, while not ideal, I think most of us could survive a night in the drunk tank (which I have ZERO experience with, just guessing). At the other end of the spectrum is life in prison, a fate I'm sure most people with their sanity would prefer to avoid at all costs. For all of us, in between those two extremes lies a certain period of time where you've got to seriously consider all the alternatives.

Quick qualifier: I don't want to get too dark here, even though it's probably too late. I'm going to leave the "WHAT would you do to avoid jail" question mostly untouched. For the sake of keeping this light(ish), let's just say the alternative is pulling a Fugitive Harrison Ford and fleeing to Mexico/Canada/North Dakota/etc...except you're not an action hero and probably are going to be caught again.

Again - my question is simply based on time frame. What sentence could the judge hand down where you'd say "OK, I can handle that"? The answer will obviously vary greatly from person to person depending on things like age, physical fitness, mental state, hamburger connections, etc...so I can only answer for myself.

Gut reaction: All things being equal, two (2) years.

Now, before all 20 of my readers guffaw and hit me with the "YEAH RIGHT DUDE, YOU'D NEVER MAKE IT THAT LONG, YOU'D BE HAVING BIG BUBBA'S DOUBLE MEAT HOAGIE FOR DINNER ON YOUR FIRST NIGHT!!!"....let me say this: I fully understand that two years would be brutal. It is highly likely the boys behind bars would carve me up like Tom Brady with that kind of time in the pocket. The point is, if you try to escape and are inevitably caught, you're as good as dead even if you survive. Life in prison. In the words of the ever-wise Tyrion Lannister: "Death is so terribly final, but life is full of possibilities." Two years would definitely cause me to pause and think it through.

Anything under two years is basically like signing a lease. You're not overly committed to the place and don't feel pressured to make it a home. IKEA furniture everywhere, not that expensive hand-crafted Amish stuff. You're probably in a somewhat manageable prison safety-wise, not being moved around different maximum security prisons like Mike Myers with maniacs lurking around every corner. Side note on that picture - seriously, Danny Trejo is like 5 feet tall. Find a bigger guard. Also, is that a bathrobe?

Two years goes pretty fast in the outside world, so it's probably enough time to do some soul-searching, get into shape, and return to family and friends before they've completely forgotten about you. You're still probably the "prison weirdo", but after a couple beers and tears, it's within the realm of possibility to pick up where you left off with inside jokes and whatnot.

It's a scientific fact that women have a +/- 15 year holdover-your-head period for any and all mistakes, so you'll definitely be fighting an uphill battle with any potential wives/girlfriends. Still, two years might cause some women to not file for divorce immediately and just quietly cheat on you instead. Perfectly understandable.

Lastly, two years might be quick enough to pick up the pieces career-wise. If you're in real estate like I am, those licenses last 3 years in most states. You might not even have to renew! Who says you didn't just take a sabbatical to Peru on a charter boat or some shit? Isn't that what Toby did on The Office? I don't know, I sort of love/hate that show but I'm pretty sure that's what happened. Toby seemed like a serial killer anyway so for all we know, he was in jail.

What was I saying? Yeah - two years is the line. This is all not to mention that with good behavior and a little legal maneuvering, maybe you're able to cut the sentence short and be out in 12-18 months. That's assuming The Fonz from Arrested Development isn't your lawyer. What a show.

To me, anything above two years gets really dicey - you're dangerously close to just being a "prison guy" now. You're likely to come out a completely different person, saturated in scars of the physical, emotional, and psychological variety. Unless you're the size of Dwayne Johnson, or homeless, it's probably worth going Richard Kimble and knowing it's escape or bust.

This was an anti-drinking and driving blog. You can go to jail for that, so call an Uber, kids! See? Not depressing at all.