I Got a Fever, and The Only Prescription, Is More Golf

The only thing more contagious than Covid in 2020 is The Golf Bug. Caleb's got it, Whitney's Had it, your mom is showing symptoms, and now I got it bad.

Truth be told, that bug crawled up my ass in Fall 2018, well before the the circus that is 2020 arrived. Still, it's timely as the recent limitations on fun have left golf as one of the few things you can do while staying distanced from people you don't like anyway. Before 2018, I had played the game on and off throughout my life as little more than a means to an end. I enjoyed the game well enough, but it's value to me was pretty much limited to hanging out with the boys or getting away from the office/girlfriend. Those who have had The Bug know - it hits you hard and is a totally different mindset from that point forward.

For a long time I had refused to invest in the game with my time or money yet still felt entitled to post reasonable scores. Big mistake that led to lots of embarrassing moments and scoldings from the only who guy has a worse Irish temper than me (my Dad). After deciding I didn't want to fish any more drivers out of lakeside tee boxes, I bought a new set of irons, driver, and putter that fit my game. Next was signing up for a handful of somewhat affordable lessons to IRON out the basics. Boooooo! Lastly and most recently, I got myself an official GHIN number and began keeping an honest handicap. Not as hard as it seems - most of my golf buddies are better than I am and like to play for money, which I have about as much chance of resisting as Howard Ratner. We don't let much slide save for the first tee breakfast ball, and everyone knows if you're sandbagging. "It's not a gambling problem, it's a competition problem." - Michael Jordan

Not that any reasonably athletic person needs my advice, but I'd suggest those first couple of steps to anyone else who gets The Bug. The beauty and maddening part of golf is that the most physically gifted cannot simply will their way to victory like football or basketball. The game is won with technique first and then between the ears, the latter being the reason I still play like a donkey. Lots of golf coaches give you too much to think about, but if you're reasonably coordinated you can at least walk away from a couple lessons with a basic understanding of your swing and what needs work.

Anyway, what a sport man. The Bug is a feeling, not an thing, so it's best understood first hand. I don't think it's a coincidence most people who get it are generally competitive but past their athletic prime. It's a nice way to move on from team sports and present yourself with an ongoing athletic challenge. You wake up every day wondering when the next round is. You turn into the asshole who practices shadow swings in the grocery aisle while your old lady picks out coffee beans. You find yourself watching hours of YouTube instruction on the best way to hit that bad lie you bladed over the green three times last round. The weather becomes a legitimately huge part of your life, not just a way to get through small talk with office ladies. The relief of playing a round after a long hiatus feels alarmingly similar to getting laid after a long slump. Annual boys trips are planned around golf instead of cheap drinks and questionable women. You get the idea.

If you think about it, golf is somewhat of a microcosm of life. Success is not earned overnight but through diligent hard work and laser focus over a long period of time, with a steady stream of dick punches in between. Most of the learning occurs as a result of mistakes. The successes are addictive and exhilarating, but also incredibly fleeting. You're only as good as your last shot. When you reach your goals, you find yourself immediately focusing on the next level. Lastly, you and you alone are in control of the outcome, and even then, not always.

If there's one positive to the corona mess, it's additional time for golf. It ain't a cheap sport, but I can sleep at night knowing the $60 spent on a round with the boys was every bit as good for camaraderie as the 1:30am round of shots at the bar. And unlike Covid, I'm not in any hurry for this Bug to fuck off.