Killing Movies in Their Infancy - Part 1

With the exception of Benjamin Button, which was a shot-for-shot re-enactment of Andy Milonakis' life, most movies these days take plenty of creative licenses in order to enhance the story. Movie buffs like myself understand this going in. You're going to have to accept a handful of gaps in logic if you want maximum entertainment experience. Why do you think Benjamin Button was so boring?

Of course, horror movies are the industry's greatest offenders in this area. Hell, there was even a Geico commercial about it. I'm willing to give that genre a pass, since this is America and we're all just there to see people mutilated anyway. We don't care how it happens.

However, other genre movies take the gambit a step too far. Today we're going to talk about a handful of films that should have ended before you even had a chance to dig into the Buncha-Crunch, if not for the writers' insistence on treating their audience like a bunch of morons. This is Part 1 of an ongoing series where we'll explore this phenomena.

The Sandlot: After the First Day at the Sandlot. We've all been there. You meet some new guy who seems alright and you give him a chance to hang with the boys. About 2 beers in, he reveals himself to be a world-class squid. A fucking Kraken, if you will. You realize you're never gonna hear the end of it, and ghost him as quickly as possible. I could go on and on about what an unbelievable dweeb Smalls was. Hey man - literally the hottest kid of all time Benny Rodriguez just gave you an opportunity to do something with your life and you tried to squander it over and over. Smalls didn't have a glove, screamed for him Mommy, couldn't even catch a fly ball, wore that freakshow hat, and didn't know who fucking Babe Ruth was. In the real world, Benny The Jet has ZERO time for this guy. The next day, he takes a different route to the Sandlot to avoid walking by Small's house. Ham asks Benny where his boyfriend is upon arrival.

The Dark Knight: Bus Scene: I understand The Joker is a thrifty guy. Very sneaky. But uhhhh.....not only did a school bus CRASH INTO A BUILDING in the middle of a crowded street in Gotham, but it pulled out of the bank directly in front of another school bus. Does the bus driver directly behind him not call the police and say "Yeah a school bus just drove out of a bank and is right in front of me. Here's the license plate number." Boom movie over. Other than this, the balance of the movie was incredibly realistic, so props to Chris Nolan there.

Home Alone 2: Airplane Boarding: You're telling me a flight from Chicago to NYC just before Christmas had enough open seats that the flight attendant just lets some little boy board the plane no problem? She actually says "Go find an empty seat!" I get that this was pre 9-11 and everything, but the logistics of this make absolutely no sense. I was just on a plane during the middle of COVID going to Montana, and we were packed like a bunch of stinky sardines. Give me a goddam break. In actuality, Kevin takes some drunk guys' seat, is bullied off the plane, and sits his ass down in Chicago and borrows a phone. Kevin's parents were as responsible as possible, but you can't expect them to keep track of their shittiest kid two holidays in a row.

Titanic: After the Tit Painting: I get it, Rose. You're stressed out. The family is in financial ruin. Your fiancé is kind of a jerk. You wanted to blow off some steam. So, you went out and got some strange on the side from a cute, poor, hipster boy. We've all been there. But then you wake up in the morning and realize paintings ain't paying the bills, and diamonds are expensive. Billy Zane has great hair and more than acceptable looks. She sneaks back into Billy's bed before breakfast and tells him she got too drunk and passed out by the pool bar. Lastly, I'm giving Zane some leeway here but really, this movie should have ended the first time he met Leo. When Rose tells you fucking Leo DiCaprio came along and "saved her from falling", you slip him a $20, say thanks, and get the hell out of there. You do NOT invite him into your social circle, you stupid idiot. Are we sure Rose wasn't the villain of this movie? We already know about her letting Jack drown despite there being plenty of room on the door.

Zombieland: After the Supermarket Con: Why did Emma Stone and that goth 12 year old feel the need to stop and set yet another trap for Woody and Jesse after they had already robbed them? Zero reason to stop again and risk being caught. In an actual zombie apocalypse, Emma kills both of them in the supermarket to prevent retribution.

Also, no chance that nerd Jesse Eisenberg even makes it that far into the movie. The guy is 130 pounds soaking wet. Practically speaking, a man of his disposition / physicality would be toast within the first 6 minutes of a zombie apocalypse. But for a moment let's say he survived strictly because he sat in his apartment all day playing computer games and jerking off into empty Mountain Dew bottles. That does not explain how he was able to fight off Zombie Amber Heard. He was sleeping and she was right next to him! Also, it's Amber Heard. I don't care how much she's foaming at the mouth. You're ice-cold, having not spoken to a girl in months. Let her attack you.

Phone Booth: The Movie Never Starts: You're telling me a hot-shot publicist like Colin Farrell is going to pick up a pay phone just because it's ringing? The second he gets off that first phone call with his mistress, he's gone. So what if the phone rings? Ain't for me! Got things to do! Kiefer Sutherland quietly mutters "shit" to himself, and orders a pizza.

If only movie writers weren't so lazy.