DiCaprio and Mayer Have NOTHING on Fictional Jerry Seinfeld

I was watching Seinfeld for the 1,748th time the other night when my girlfriend remarked from the basement "How do these guys get all these pretty girls? They're all so ugly!"

After tightening her chains closer to the furnace and delivering a lecture on the evils of judging men by their looks, I shut the door, turned out the lights, and silently wondered that she may have had a point.

We've all heard the stories of infamous Hollywood cocksmen like Leo DiCaprio, John Mayer and DJ Qualls. Dating lists a mile long, starlet after model; women said to be so beautiful they'd make an albino man blush. I use the phrase "said to be" as I personally don't judge anyone by their looks as the lecture I just alluded to indicates.

Anyway, if you're a fan of Seinfeld, you know Jerry had a different girlfriend almost every episode. Nobody is going to read a list that long, so we'll stick to several of the most famous and quickly review what the actresses have been up to since. I think by the end there will be no doubt that Fictional Jerry Seinfeld deserves a place next to Vinnie Chase and Petyr Bealish among the GOAT Fictional Ladies Men to ever exist.

TERI HATCHER: You saw the gif above. One of the most famous scenes in the show's history. Teri is divorced now and her last appearance was in some TV show called Supergirl and a Radio Shack commercial. So, maybe still desperate but definitely not a house wife.

CHRISTINE TAYLOR: I unironically always confuse this person with Christina Applegate. Most famous for playing the promiscuous best friend of supervillain Julia Guglia in The Wedding Singer and being married to Ben Affleck.

AMANDA PEET: I'm too lazy to confirm if she was the asshole fiance from Saving Silverman, but I'm almost positive she was. What an underrated movie that was. I also know for a fact she's still KNOCKING IT OUT OF THE PARK on Brockmire (great pun).

COURTNEY COX: Cox's guest appearance on Seinfeld marked the end of her short television career, as she never found commercial success on any other show. Never the one to give up easily, she scored her most iconic big-screen role as the masked serial killer in horror franchise Scream. She even married her costar from those movies, Liev Schrieber. The two are still married and are enjoying a happy retirement in California.

JENNIFER CAMPBELL: I'll be honest, I just threw this one on here because I sometimes found it odd that Real Jerry thought so highly of himself. I mean, I fucking love the guy. But are you telling me this mullet sporting goof with a 1 bedroom apartment and lunatics for best friends could just casually wheel an international superstar model on an airplane? Whatever.

CATHERINE KEENER: Before she was bangin' 40 Year Old Virgins, she was bangin' a guy who was basically the exact opposite. Keener was actually pretty awesome in Get Out as the hypnotist wife, eventually earning a well-deserved death. Her husband Greg Kinnear is also an actor.

LORI LAUGHLIN: Another actress hit badly by the Seinfeld curse, Lori found very modest TV success but did have several movie roles including the iconic 2015 holiday flick Northpole: Home For Christmas. She now resides in California with her family and has found a new calling in life as a philanthropist, working with underfunded college athletics programs.

DEBRA MESSING: Debra wasn't messing around with her Hollywood career, going on to star in universally beloved sitcom Will & Grace, where she played a gay woman living with a straight man. The series was universally beloved by all before being preemptively "cancelled" in 2006 for it's stereotypical portrayal of the gay community. Luckily, they came back in 2018 and 2020 to get it right.

ANGELA FEATHERSTONE: That's two girls that both Jerry and Robbie Hart have kissed. What's happening here? Angela wasn't a very good maid to Jerry and a horrible fiance to Robbie. Now please get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up.

LAUREN GRAHAM: LG is a fantastic actress, and the creators of Seinfeld must have thought so too. She was Fictional Jerry's girlfriend in 1997 and Fictional Larry's girlfriend in 2018. She even lasted more than one episode the second time around. Also, can you believe Bad Santa is almost 20 years old? What the hell man? Plenty of little Johnny's hit puberty during her "F Me Santa" scene, I'm certain of that . RIP Bernie and John Ritter who delivered one of the funniest scenes of all time in that movie as well. Fuckin Bob Chipeska.

SKYLAR WHITE: Before she was cheating on Walter White with Ted Beneke, she was cheating on Jerry with his cousin Jeffrey. Unfortunately for her, she was so good in the former role that her name is now forever Skylar White. That's the way it goes. Her and George Constanza can start a club.

JENNIFER COOLIDGE: Before her most disturbing and terrifying role as serial child rapist Stifler's Mom in the American Pie series, Jennifer played someone sleeping with someone her own age on Seinfeld. Truth be told, I thought she was hysterical in Down to Earth, playing Chris Rock's gold-digger wife. I can't find any clips on YouTube, so you'll just have to trust me.

And there you have it. Fictional Jerry Seinfeld is one of the baddest MF'ers to ever grace the small screen, a true legend in the dating game. And because I'm such a huge Seinfeld fan, I won't even mention Real Jerry Seinfeld dating a 17 year old during the show's run. So shout out to me for that. Nobody wants to live in a world where Seinfeld is cancelled.