Listen Up, Ladies! 5 Tips for Relationship Bliss

Women are always asking for men's opinions and advice, that much is certain. The problem is so many guys default to what they think women want to hear instead of just being honest. Luckily ol' Gooey is willing to cut through the BS and deliver cold hard facts on a silver platter. How can you (an average woman) navigate the crowded streets of Serial Killerville, USA to attract someone like me (a highly desirable and respected man)? Let's explore five ways you can get to the front of the pack:

1. Challenge Your Expectations for Looks: The first and most important. It's critical to realize your expectations for what a "real man" should look like have been ingrained into you via subliminal marketing your whole life. So challenge them. So what if a guy's jawline has more chins than a Chinese phone book? A beer gut is a sign of a healthy social life, not alcoholism. Toothpicks for legs are common in triathletes. You'll never lose another quarter under the seat with a boyfriend's tiny hands. A massive head just means a massive brain. PRACTICE TIP: Close your eyes and draw your perfect man by hand, in pen. The body can just be a stick figure. Put the picture in your wallet, go to the bar, and find the matching man!

2. No Job? No Problem. What do all serial killers have in common? Jobs that drive them to the brink of insanity. BTK was a church and cub scout leader. Dahmer worked at a deli. Bundy? Not sure, but I know he was almost a lawyer. Conversely, a guy without a job is a guy with plenty of time to focus on you. Women love spending time via cuddling and physical touch. With your man being on the couch 24/7, there's limitless potential to get cozy at all hours of the day. Plus, helping him pay his bills ensures his utter devotion and dependence on you. It's a win-win. PRACTICE TIP: Let him be Little Spoon when cuddling in broad daylight. Or, play a game of Marco Polo in the living room using only your nose after he hasn't showered for 3 days.

3. Share Your Friends: Just because you've never met any of your man's friends doesn't mean they don't exist. That being said, we men love making new connections (especially after we turn 30). Post an ad on your social media pages soliciting all your male friends. Tell them you know someone in need of male companionship (nothing sexual). Don't make him do all the hard work. Set up a night time meet up. Be detailed. Schedule follow ups. The more friends you can make for your man, the less likely he'll be to leave you for one of his other many female suitors. PRACTICE TIP: Separately tell a handful of male friends you're hungry for some sausage and invite them over for a grill-out. While your boyfriend gets ready in the bathroom, cook the burgers and brats and hide them away in the oven. When your guests arrive, allow your boyfriend to be the "grill master". Put some decoy meat on the grill, which he'll inevitably burn. Throw it all away, bring out the good meat, and let your boyfriend take all the credit. He'll be bonding over Bud Lights in no time. Buy plenty of extra straws and maybe a couple barf bags for when things get nuts.

4. Penis Size is NOT Important: While I personally don't have any experience in this regard, I know for a fact "size matters" is a myth as old as time. While all your size queen friends are out there looking for their Peter North, you can settle down with someone who is much more....manageable (and not talk about it with them). PRACTICE TIP: Don't ask for any dick pics, ever. It's immature and makes you look shallow. Instead, ask him for pictures of his nipples. This will demonstrate your sexual attraction to him, bring you closer together, while making you not seem too thirsty.

5. Kill His Mice: There's only one thing more unnecessary and annoying than a big penis: Rodents. It's not that we are scared of them, but they carry disease and hide in small corners our big bodies can't always get to. Save your man the time and kill them yourself, or better yet, hire a hunky exterminator to handle it. And don't stop at mice - go nuts on any insects, stink bugs, spiders, centipedes, or other creepy crawlies that might be hanging around his studio. PRACTICE TIP: If you're going to be a wimp and not kill his pests or pay for an exterminator, at least burn down the house while he's at therapy and let him collect the insurance.

Follow these tips and become the object of your friend's undying jealousy. You won't even recognize your love life, it'll be that damn good.