Lying To Children

And we're back. There's no such thing as a "hard working blogger", so I'll stop short of saying the 3 week break was well-deserved. There's nobody that earned the hiatus less than I did. Still, when Joe Exotic almost has more husbands than I have subscribers, I figured best not to get fired from the job that pays me.

Today we'll be focusing on several of the half-truths / full-lies many of us were told as children to keep us from certain death (or worse).

YOU'LL STAB YOU THROAT AND DIE IF YOU RUN WITH SCISSORS: The Michael Jordan of kid sins. This one actually seems pretty reasonable and uniquely suited to kids. Arts and Crafts time was 24/7 as a youth. The snipping and cutting never stopped. As an adult, you really never find yourself in a situation where running with scissors is required. I use scissors maybe twice a year. 1) Christmastime wrapping presents, and 2) Cutting the electricity/WiFi in the middle of the night when I'm "on a trip" just before growling outside my girlfriend's window. Either way, I'm standing/sitting still both times.

Also, I'd like to see the stats on running with scissor deaths/injuries. You'd have to think scissor running deaths are far more dangerous to tikes than, say, COVID-19. Just kidding.

EAT YOUR CARROTS OR YOU'll GO BLIND: I think at 8 years old, if given the choice between finishing my carrots or having my head chopped off, I would have gladly Ned-Stark'd myself (spoiler alert). But, my parents insisted they'd help me see. I was too stupid to realize my eyes were already perfect, and should have thrown the carrots on the floor in assertion of house dominance. According to a Google search I just performed to prove my point, carrots do technically protect your eyes but the idea was based on a WWII myth. You want to know another myth? People exist who enjoy the taste of carrots. Speaking of WWII myths, here's another one on Hitler's genitals. Maybe our parents could have just told us we'd have a deformed Nazi micro-penis if we didn't eat our carrots?

YOUR FACE COULD BE HORRIBLY DEFORMED: I think this one is pretty common but just in case, quick explanation. If you make an ugly/funny face (while taking a picture, for example) and someone hits you upside the head, it could stick like that forever. Can you imagine if this actually happened? Just walking through life looking like Jim Carrey in basically any of his movie roles from the 90's. Trying to get through a job interview looking like Ace Ventura coming out of that rhino.

Doctor comes in, somber tone: "This is never easy news to deliver Mrs. Smith. We're told your son thought it would be funny to 'make a face' during the class photo for Mrs. Tuberville's music class, and well, she smacked him upside the head with a recorder flute. It appears your poor, poor boy is permanently funny-faced. I'm so, so sorry...there's nothing more we can do." Did anyone else read that in the South Park voice? Moving on....

SANTA'S ALWAYS WATCHING [YOU POOP]: I know they just recently cancelled that "Baby It's Cold Outside" song, and lemme tell you something, that bastard Santa Claus is the next holiday casualty. This son of a bitch watches kids when they're sleeping, and knows when they're awake! Not only does Santa have uninhibited access to my bedroom, but he also knows when I forgot to flush and when I've skipped brushing my teeth. Is there anything Santa isn't allowed to see? Santa walks up to the dressing room at a kiddie talent show, adult tries to stop him, and he pulls out ID an says "It's OK, I'm Santa Claus. Just here to make sure these kids are behaving." If, God forbid, Santa were ever to pass away, it's a good thing Jerry Sandusky was caught before he could apply for the job.

Nonetheless, what an absolutely CRUCIAL trump card for parents. Don't want to listen to me? Don't believe in God? Fine, but that motherfucker Santa will make your bitch ass pay come Christmastime if you don't sit down and shut up. Saint Nick ain't nobody to be trifled with. True story: As a toddler, I was told that my cousin (who was +/- 5 years older than me) actually received coal in his stocking one year because he was so bad. I genuinely still don't know if it was true, either. Some legends are too perfect to investigate.

GOOD GRADES ARE IMPORTANT: How many times has some billionaire's Ted Talk been flush with stories of bad behavior and worse grades as a kid? Only all of them. Let's be clear - I think most of those stories are about as legitimate as every supermodel growing up the "ugly duckling". Still, that doesn't make the sentiment any less true, but you don't need to buy Gary Vanderpump's book to tell you that. Just listen to a barely-employed blogger. Billionaires were always gonna be billionaires. They're smarter, luckier, and sexier than you and me.

Now, I'm not saying drop out of high school. You idiot. I'm just saying...don't lose sleep over that C- on the 7th grade biology exam. Just fucking find a way to graduate, be a normal human, make friends, live within your means, get a job, don't get addicted to drugs, and it'll probably work out. Maybe. Or not.

SODA / SWEETS WILL ROT YOUR TEETH TO HELL: Apparently, it's far more effective to threaten a child with losing the teeth they're already going to lose anyway vs. diabetes. I'm no doctor, but doesn't diabetes cause you to lose fingers or some shit? Or is that another myth? Either way, I think finger and toe preservation would have taken much higher priority over teeth preservation to a child. I suppose it's true that if you drank nothing but soda and ate nothing but candy, and never brushed, technically your teeth would be in rough shape. But with Santa's security cameras strategically placed throughout the bathroom, my teeth were always brushed. Maybe it's just the fat thing. You can only destroy a child's psyche so much, and fat-shaming is where the buck stops. If only I'd been smart enough to see the irony in my parents warning me about tooth decay while they chain smoked Marlboro reds and drank coffee til midnight. Just kidding, they didn't drink coffee.