More "Reaction" Options for Texting

I was reading another blog today which addressed the age-old question of when/where/how it is appropriate to respond to text "reactions", if at all. And by age-old, I mean in the last 12 months or so. I feel the question was sufficiently answered, so no need to go over that any further. However, it made me realize that Apple needs to give us even more "reaction" options. Six buttons isn't nearly enough to capture all the ways to passively let people know you don't give a shit about them. Let's be clear - I don't want to respond to any text, ever, so the more opportunities I have to use a single keystroke to communicate, the more likely I am to respond at all. The following is a list of symbols Apple should easily be able to add to the next iOS and further their quest for world domination.

Jesus on the Cross: Several of my friends and I have a pretty strict "no calls or texts on Sunday" policy. Everyone is cripplingly hungover, and the cloud of 13 conference calls the following day is giving everyone a mean case of the scaries. The last thing you want to do is recap the previous night, make any plans, or be bothered to look your phone for any reason other than to order Domino's. A nice stick figure on a cross would be a reminder that it's the Lord's Day, and we're honoring Him by taking a (virtual) vow of silence. Text me the same thing on Tuesday and maybe I'll address it.

Woman Next to Man: This one means "wife or girlfriend present". That's a really funny joke you just made, and I appreciate the links you're trying to send me, but it's going to have to wait. Apple can simply take one of the similar emoji templates and throw 'er onto the reaction options. Quick and easy. BONUS: We can also do one with a man in a suit next to a man to signify the boss is standing over my shoulder.

Middle Finger: Fuck you. Pretty simple. Why has this not happened already?

A Closed Book: I was away from my phone for a couple hours and came back to like 87 texts in this group chat. I don't have time to respond to each and every joke, statement, or action item, but I did in fact read everything and have retained all the information. I'm up to speed.

Toast: The universal sign for average. Boring. So-so. Just OK. What you said wasn't terrible enough for a "thumbs down" but I'm also not giving you the thumbs up or 'laugh'. You have to earn those. It was as bland as milk toast.

Batman: I'm bailing. I don't know if this is between just my group of friends or common among the masses, but any mention of Batman coincides with "bailing" (Christian Bale) on plans. "I was making progress with Cindy Buttersworth at the bar, but got too drunk and had to hop in the Batmobile." So, when someone texts you trying to make plans, or if you already have plans, smash the Batman button and never have to come up with an elaborate excuse again.

Shower Head: I'm in the shower, stop texting me.

Steering Wheel: I'm driving, but will text you back as soon as this cop passes me.

Breathalyzer: I'm driving drunk, but will text you back as soon as this cop passes me. Just kidding, don't drink and drive.

Phone Symbol: I just tried calling you to talk about this, please don't text me back asking "What's up?". This is a phone conversation only.

The Side-Eyes: I could easily ruin your life if I shared a screenshot of this text.

The Taco "Bell": I can't respond, food poisoning / diarrhea.

Ghost: I'd prefer if we stopped talking. I have barely enough respect for you to press this one button, but not nearly enough to provide an explanation.

Stop Sign: Please stop texting me.

A Dead Bee: Buzz Kill

Liam Neeson's Face: I'm being kidnapped, please send help.

Jeff Bridges' Face From Big Lebowski: You got the wrong guy, man. Wrong number, wrong person. This could also be a wet carpet.

Doug from the Hangover's Face: Why do we keep this person around? He/she serves almost no purpose at all. Mostly for group chats.

A Polaroid: I'm making a mental note of this and will get back to it when I can, but will most likely completely forget.

The Eggplant: What you said turned me on sexually, but I'm too lazy or uncomfortable to actually say anything of substance in return.

That's all for now, you'll have to spend $9,000 on the next iPhone if you want the next batch.