Ode to Speed + Reverse Power-Ranking the Terrible Side Characters

Pop Quiz, Hotshot: Who's the most underrated actor of our time? Answer: Keanu Reeves. What is Keanu Reeves' most underrated role? Speed, by a country mile.

My love for Keanu Reeves borders on unhealthy. The guy can do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. Recently, tales of his real-life kindness / normality have almost overshadowed his box office success. Don't take my word for it - just check out this New Yorker piece titled "Keanu Reeves Is Too Good For This World." She's goddam right he is.

The majority of Keanu's fame came from the incredible Matrix franchise, and his renaissance as the wildly popular title character in the John Wick movies has been stupendous. Seriously, if you haven't seen those movies, stop what you're doing right now and go. I'm pretty sure the latest entry Parabellum is on Hulu, but you're smart enough to find all of them. And while they should be watched in order, you're not exactly going to have anything spoiled for you if you don't. Spoiler alert - he survives each film and kills a bunch of bad guys.

Anyway, before all of that, Keanu melted hearts, minds, and panties with 1994's Speed. The film is comfortably in my Top 10 of all time (which tells you all you need to know about me). The action is heart-stopping and Keanu's biceps are worth the price of admission alone, but I'd be remiss to not mention the incredible performances from costars Sandra Bullock and Dennis Hopper (RIP). Keanu was so unbelievably hot and charming in Speed that Bullock decided fake-falling in love with Keanu just once in a lifetime was not enough, eventually finding her way back into his arms 12 years later in Lake House.

Like popular TV show The Office, the director of Speed decided to test the limits of his star's overpowering charisma by littering the movie with an impossible amount of unlikable characters opposite him (not including Hopper, who was awesome). Today, we're going to reverse-rank that list of undesirables, from "slightly annoying" to "not only utterly useless, but actively dangerous."

• Quick qualifiers: Sandra Bullock will be exempt since her performance was so good, but she certainly "got in the way" at times. Jeff Daniels was somewhat likable but didn't live long enough to sway me either way.

• Side note to the side note: Dumb and Dumber came out in December 1994, just 6 months after Speed. In both movies, Jeff Daniel's character was named Harry. Talk about two completely different roles. Was no other name available? Was someone playing a joke on us? Someone had to have known this, right? Great little Trivia tidbit.

• These are only people on the bus. The Jaguar guy was awesome.

The RANKINGS:

8. Sam the Bus Driver: Sam meant well. They guy just wanted to do his job, make his stops, and get home. Annie constantly made him late because she couldn't get to the goddam bus stop on time. I know Annie thinks she's above the bus, but she's a bus person. Sam nearly killed everybody by jamming

on the breaks when the "Bomb on Bus" sign flew directly onto his window, which I suppose is understandable. He played things mostly by the book. But listen, when Keanu Reeves is sprinting after your bus, knocking at the door to stop, then stop the frickin bus. All he had to do was open his window, hear Keanu out, and he never gets above 50 in the first place. Bomb not armed, movie over. But we'll give him a pass. Sam was actually pretty useful, and is mostly on this list because of that dutch boy haircut. He looks like the black version of that guy from the Skittles commercial. WHAT is that all about? Anyway, I hope you survived that gunshot, Sam. You didn't deserve to die, even with that haircut. Go get some Berries and Cream.

7. Ortiz: Ortiz, what a monster. Strength on top of intimidation on top height on top of wits. Ortiz is precisely the kind of body type you hope is NOT on the bus if you're a terrorist. Which is exactly what made him so frustrating at certain points. Ortiz is still relatively low on this list for his ability to bring some comedic relief, like talking about Keanu's big hairy cahones. But still, the only real contribution he made was helping pull Keanu up from under the bus. Technically, Ortiz is partially responsible for Sam being shot, trying to play hero by tackling Ray when he was brandishing a gun. Leave the life-saving to the guy with the badge, big fella. Lastly, he's a construction worker, who I'm guessing is used to operating heavy machinery and vehicles. You're telling me he couldn't have at least offered to give Annie a break from driving? He mostly just sat there and bitched at Cameron (more on that coward later).

6. Teddy Bear Lady: Alright I actually felt bad for this lady. I don't think she had any speaking lines but there were strong overtones that she had a child / grandchild at home to live for. I'm assuming the teddy bear was for someone like that in the family. She was obviously petrified, but who wouldn't be? Still, that doesn't take away from her useless contributions to surviving the bus. I suppose having an actual child on the bus were stakes far too high for a mindless popcorn movie like this, so she filled that role by extension.

5. 1950s Lady / Mrs. Kamino: I'm fairly certain Speed was filming in a studio, and the studio next door was filming a movie set in the 1950s. Speed's director needed another extra for the bus and found this lady in the parking lot, handed her a $20, and told her to sit there and look scared. That's the only explanation for why she is dressed like she's from a completely different era. As for Mrs. Kamino, we barely knew thee. She did an EXCELLENT concerned face, and shared a warm embrace with 1950s lady following the highway gap jump. They provided little else, but I don't think we expected much. Very little emotional weight tied to these two characters.

4. Terry: The Bus Hype Man. The guy who puffs his chest out, talks loudly, acts tough, then shrivels in big moments. Wasted athleticism. The JuJu Smith-Schuster of Speed. When Keanu first got on the bus, Terry was a HUGE detractor. Tried to assert dominance. Got in Kenau's face: "Yeah sure, real funny joke man!". Well turns out jokes on you, pretty boy. When Keanu responds asking if "they're gonna have a problem", he quickly sits down, realizing the bus has a new alpha. From that point on, he basically spends the entire movie talking about what a bad ass Keanu is, and celebrating loudly when things go according to plan despite having no input whatsoever.

3. Ray: Now we're getting to the real shitheads. Ray...come on dude. Every time someone boards a bus with a bomb on board, you think they're trying to bust you for some Mickey Mouse drug charge? You think the LAPD is going to put a guy like Keanu on your bitch ass case? Bigger fish to fry, idiot! Sit down and put the gun away. He looks like a scared little puppy holding that gun, and fires off a desperation shot as soon as Ortiz tries to neutralize him. Of course, he ends up profusely apologizing like a trophy wife who just got caught cheating with the pool boy. Imagine being such a beta that you just SHOT SOMEONE in front of a police officer, and still end up getting let off your handcuffs because the cop knows you're so weak? If it wasn't for Ray, we could have had Sam driving the bus the whole time while Annie played lookout for traffic jams and baby carriages full of cans, just cans.

2. Cameron: I know his name isn't Cameron, but yeah, his name is Cameron. Talk about being typecast, huh? This guy's gravestone is going to read "Wet Blanket Extraordinaire." He was a crybaby in Ferris Bueller and a crybaby here. Brutal in Succession as well (great show). Cameron started the movie an annoying yet harmless tourist, and finished it a complete and total coward who legitimately got in the way. It's a shame he didn't meet the fate of our big winner (loser?) who I'll get to in a minute. From crying about his misfortune ("I'm not supposed to be here") to bitching about going to the airport because he'd already seen the airport...I mean. What else can you say? Sorry dude, trying to not get blown up here, but if we get a chance we'll try to switch runways so you can get a feel for the place! Cameron thinks he is entitled to survive this ordeal simply because he's more important than everyone else. He tried to contribute by peeking his head underneath the bus while Keanu was doing his bomb-diffusing thing, and of course, got out of the way as soon as things went sideways. He looked like he was going to cry even after they survived the big gap jump. Eat shit Cameron.

1. 1. Helen: Not a week goes by where I don't think about how much I despise Helen at least once or twice. What an absolute atrocity of a human being. You know how we use all these nicknames for annoying people in life (Jerry, Karen, Chad, etc...)? We should just call them all Helen across the board. Seriously, she might have been a bigger villain than Dennis Hopper in this movie. At least Hopper had a plan. Helen, meanwhile, spent the first 20 minutes of the bus ride complaining and thinking about herself instead of listening to directions. The rules of the game could NOT have been more clear. Anybody gets off, the whole bus blows up. Pretty simple. And yet, this selfish piece of shit decides to try to get off anyway, hijacking the rescue meant for Sam the Bus Driver. Uh, babe, the chopper is right there in the sky! The bomber can see exactly what you're doing! You OK living the rest of your life knowing you murdered like 25 innocent people? Do you not think the bomber was going to let everyone know you broke the rules? You're going straight to jail even if you do survive this. Thankfully, Helen was pulled under the bus and killed instantly following the warning shot, neutralizing the biggest threat to everyone's safety. It's a shame she didn't suffer longer if you ask me. Imagine trying to make that highway jump with Helen pissing in the punch bowl? Rot in hell, Helen.

HONORABLE MENTION #1: Captain McMahon: I know I said I'd keep it to bus passengers only, but I want to make sure Cpt. McMahon loses his job. Mismanaged the elevator fiasco. Somehow let the bomber get away twice. Sent Harry to his death. Literally barely reacted when the cable broke and left Keanu hanging on for dear life dragging under the bus. And tried to help nightmare Helen off the bus despite knowing the rules! What exactly would you say it is you do here, Captain? Guy must have been a great schmoozer/politician to get the big job, because he's a terrible police officer.

HONORABLE MENTION #2: Elevator Butt Lady. Nice.