Pens vs. Habs Recap: R1G3 (feat. Hootie & The Blowfish)

Every time I think about getting rid of Twitter, which is an absolute cesspool, I remind myself of nights like last. There's a certain calm and relief I experience watching the collective real-time pants-shitting of the Pittsburgh sports media. It's hard to imagine a more embarrassing group of grown men. Lucky for me, watching people broadcast their emotional meltdowns publicly is comfortably in my Top 5 favorite activities. If you think cable news has stopped even trying to conceal their political biases, multiply that by 10 for sports. It is clear who either has no control of their emotions, or has no leeway to criticize certain players/executives (usually both). Don't get me wrong, I was pissed off too. But Jesus boys, get a hold of yourselves. Let's get to the recap.

LOOK AWAY: Let's get this over with. Mr. Jack Johnson - the guy who makes us all want to look away. Listen, this is hopefully going to be the longest paragraph I ever write on #3. And yeah, it's a long one but better to get it out of the way in one swoop. Piss off a ledge and you'll hit 6 people who've written 29 articles about his incompetence. He was terrible last night just like he always is. The fancy stats

are there for all of us to see - 41% shot share, minus 3, MTL controlled 86% of the expected goals with him on the ice, blah blah blah. He doesn't pass the eye test either. He often fumbles the puck with nobody in the same zip code and makes a mess out of routine breakout passes. He puts absolutely no pressure on the opposition's forwards when the Pens have the puck in the offensive zone. Mike Milbury (who is much better in the booth than he is in the studio) used the word "dopey" last night a couple times to describe how it looks when he is standing around every time a goal is scored. Pretty accurate. What else can you say about his on-ice play? It is what it is. Here's my thoughts on the larger situation, and then we can move the fuck on from beating this dead ass horse.

Only one of two things can be true. The first: Sully doesn't see what we all see, and continues to trot JJ out there, believing he will provide positive value to lineup. I don't think so.

The second: There are a variety of factors at play here, very few on-ice related, that keep him in the lineup. He's good friends with the team's captain, who has tons of say over lineup decisions. The guys behind him (Ruhwedel and Riikola) are on management's shit list. The GM signed him to a big contract. On that last one - when's the last time your boss admitted he was wrong? That's life, bitch. JJ is going to play, and the best we can hope for is a passable performance and maybe GMJR dealing with the mistake in the off-season.

Last thing, which other bloggers seem to always leave out. JJ is the 6th D-Man and is treated as such. Last night he had FIVE WHOLE MINUTES less ice-time (10:57) than the next-closest D-man (Schultz @ 15:54). It's not like Sully treats him like a work horse. In a salary cap league, especially for a team like the Pens that spends to the cap, your 6th D-Man is probably going to suck. Yeah, the issue everyone has is the 3.25MM cap hit that comes along with him when replacement level players make a quarter of that. But there's nothing you can do about that now. Ruhwedel is milk toast and Riikola is the new Sprong/Despres/etc...a guy who seems to have some upside but management has no faith in.

I'm rooting for JJ. There's no crow that would taste worse than the one crybaby bloggers unable to produce an original thought in 3 years would have to eat if he scored a big goal. But for now, we know what's happening. He sucks. That's the last I'll talk about it...moving on.

TIME: The theme on three (3) of MTL's four (4) goals was too much time. Shea Weber got not one, not two, but three consecutive shots on Murray before the Penguins knew the game started. Byron took two whacks at the puck in front of Murray untouched on the 3rd goal. On Petry's dagger 4th goal, the replay showed him setting up a tent, starting a fire, jacking off, and toasting a couple marshmallows before picking the corner off Murray's head. This all while Marleau and ZAR ran around like a couple of parents who just lost their kid in a cornfield maze. The Penguins are just not very responsible defensively, and despite what you heard on the internet, it ain't just one guy's fault. They frequently lose assignments in close to the net, and don't make anyone pay for going in that area. Even on Drouin's tip-in 2nd goal, Schultz was facing the wrong way and made no effort to tie up his stick. The Penguins aren't the 2016 version anymore where they can just outscore everybody. D-Zone details matter.

DROWNING: More third (fourth?) line fun! McCann earned a well-deserved press box nacho platter, so let's check the stats for the new-and-improved line centered by Lafferty. Uh...does anyone have a toaster I can take a bath with? 6:33 of ice time, 21% CF, 16% GF. To say they are drowning is putting it lightly. I don't know what you do with this line. The obvious answer is to sit Marleau but they aren't gonna do that to the old man. Hornqvist was all over the place last night, most notably on the PP (who would have thought) and during a couple shifts w/ Malkin/Crosby. I'd keep Lafferty in for one more game and give him Sheary for some speed. Sheary doesn't deserve the demotion, but it might be the best way to get the most out of the lineup.

Meanwhile, the fourth (third?) line was solid. They controlled play most of the game (58% CF) and made a noticeable difference. Brandon Tanev was a rare bright spot on the night. He was like that girl from the Exorcist in the 2nd period, in a good way. Just terrifying. He had a heroic effort that led to the Blueger goal, came up with a couple huge shot blocks on the PK, and laid a big hit on Evans that left him bloodied and out for the game (clean hit - hope he's OK though).

HOLD MY HAND: Back to Schultz who I mentioned earlier - he is really struggling. Most will blame his deployment on trying to hold JJ's hand the entire game, but there are situations he fucks up that JJ has nothing to do with. In one shift late in the third last night, he fumbled a routine point pass leading to a zone clear, and the next time up the ice, fell down on a golden chance in the slot. He iced the puck with zero pressure at least twice. He's pressing, and you can't have that out of a guy who makes $5.5MM. For those keeping score at home, that's almost $9MM tied up in your two worst D-Men. Woof.

LET HER CRY: The Penguins 3rd period effort made me want to cry, or at least as much as can be expected compared to the Twitter toddlers. Look man, you just choked away a 2-goal lead to the 24 seed. A team that literally gave up this year, traded away assets, and had already begun planning the rebuild. Have some pride. When good teams find themselves down late, they usually are able to mount some pressure. The Penguins have the horses to do that. Instead, they managed just seven (7) shots to the Habs' six (6) in the final frame. Not good enough. You get a gift power play late and somehow look uninspired. For fuck's sake, the Habs D-Men played catch in their own zone with 20 seconds left in the game, even though the Pens had an extra attacker! The white flag was out. Oh well.

ONLY WANNA BE WITH YOU: I'm a fan, and I have my own biases. I love Evgeni Malkin. There's nothing that would make me happier than seeing him explode in the last two games of this series. He was OK last night. The shot-pass on the first goal was brilliant. His line with Rust and Zucker is yielding mostly good results. There is potential there. He fell off as the game went on, taking a penalty, turning the puck over a couple times, and generally letting the Habs get to him, which is part of their game plan. If the Penguins are to mount a comeback, bet that the big Russian bear waking up will be the reason.

SUMMARY: Look, I learned a long time ago that in hockey, the highs are never quite as high as you think and the lows never quite as low. This is an incredibly bizarre year and candidly, I'm not sure how motivated to play I'd be in the same situation. The series was never going to be easy. The Penguins core is aging rapidly and their competitive advantage (speed and skill) isn't what it once was. Maybe this is the beginning of the end, and if so, that's fine.

But how short everyone's memory is. In every Cup run, there have been moments of doubt. Down two to Detroit in 2009. Getting ass-pounded the entire Caps series in 2017, then going to Game 7 OT with vanilla-wafer Ottawa. Hell, even in 2016, which we all remember as the Penguins zombie freight train year, there was mass suicide. Remember Game 5 of the ECF? If you don't, the Pens blew a 2-goal lead and were buried in OT by that shithead Tyler Johnson. The Penguins went back to Tampa for Game 6 while the coroners fished out all the dead bodies from the Monongahela who had jumped off the 10th Street bridge. We all know what happened.

I'm not saying this team has that type of pedigree or horsepower. If I'm putting up my own cash, they're probably cooked. But Friday is the first time Sid gets to play an NHL game on his birthday, and while I'm not overly superstitious, I know 87 is a little stitious. Watch him go off for four (4) points and cruise to a 5-1 victory. Everyone's sucking their nuts before Game 5 less than 24 hours later. You never know. Go Pens.