Pens vs. Habs Recap: R1G4 (feat. Green Day)

Apologies for the late recap, dealing with some technical/internet issues this weekend (mostly of my own making). In the end, it was probably best to let this one simmer for a couple days. What's that line Miranda Tate says at the end of Dark Knight Rises? Something about how "the slowest knife cuts the deepest". The Penguins deserve the slowest of knives after an incredibly pathetic performance on Friday. We're going to tweak the format ever so slightly here and go period-by-period. Let's fuck this pig.

1ST PERIOD

BASKET CASE: Only a crazy person would continue to make some of the lineup decisions Sullivan had all series, but we knew he'd make them nonetheless. JJ and Schultz continued to play, as did Patrick Marleau (who had a CF 16.67% in this game in case you're wondering). He also put Jared McCann's corpse back in the lineup, who's impact was predictably as noticeable as Sofia Vergara's knees. It cannot be overstated how brutal all four of those guys were.

The one "big" move was benching Murray for Jarry. On any other day, a goalie conundrum would be scrutinized by the Pittsburgh sports media / Facebook comment section (same thing at this point) to the Nth degree. Not today - even those people were smart enough to understand it was probably the right move, despite Murray being about 18th on the list of reasons the Pens were down in the series. The move was obvious and low-risk, the latter of which is probably more pertinent. Sometimes you just have to make a decision strictly because the inverse lends itself to a bunch of "what if" speculation.

By the end of the 1st Period, you were feeling neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it. Instead of coming out like they were on meth, the game was a total slog. You told yourself they were "feeling each other out", when really, they were just playing right into Montreal's hands. With a roster like Pittsburgh's, you can't have your best CF% period of an elimination game include just 7 shots and 0 high danger chances. Just can't do it. We all knew where this was headed.

PULLING TEETH: ...is exactly what finding positives out of this game is like. Hornqvist was moved up to Malkin's line and was a banshee all night. He is not the offensive difference maker he once was, but he brings the fucking noise when used correctly (especially in elimination games). That's more than can be said for much of this lineup.

I have suggested a couple times moving Sheary to L3 in hopes of waking up McCann and Marleau, and that's exactly what Sully did. Too bad the results were basically the same. Sheary was the most disruptive guy on the line, but you can only do so much as a winger when your center and LW touch the puck maybe 4 times all game. Marleau was always a risk given his age, but what the hell happened to McCann?

Malkin took a patented "bad penalty" late in the period, but the Habs couldn't get shit going. The PK was pretty good all series and especially in this game, although a couple of the goals in Game 3 came right after a penalty had expired, so I'll be hanging onto my fellatio coupons for another time.

2ND PERIOD

HAVING A BLAST: Obvious sarcasm is obvious. This period was the hockey equivalent of your twice-removed aunt's funeral. You're obligated to participate despite being incredibly bored, knowing the entire time you were there just to watch them be lowered into the ground and buried.

WHEN I COME AROUND: I went into this game mostly expecting to be disappointed, but with a single caveat. Silly as it sounds, the Crosby birthday had me feeling like something good was bound to happen eventually. He's been known to have a flair for the dramatic in these situations, and isn't the type of guy to squander what is likely the only opportunity to play an NHL game on his birthday. We all saw the Mario tweet. Run through a wall type stuff.

After a quiet 1st period, 87 looked like he had finally come around midway through the 2nd. Sid found himself on a 2-on-1 with Guentzel and put a perfect pass right on his tape. Unfortunately, Jeff Petry wasn't done lobotomizing the Penguins. He forced Guentzel wide and behind the net, and by the time Jake got it back to Sid on the weak side, Carey Price was in position for a routine(ish) save. Way she goes.

The PK nicely killed another Habs PP, and that's about all I can say about this hellscape of a period.

3RD PERIOD

CHUMP: The song title says it all but I'd be remiss to not mention the first two lines: I don't know you but I think I hate you / you're the reason for my misery. The Penguins came into this series with a fart and went out like a queef. Or maybe it's the other way around? Either way, shots were 7/8 in favor of the Habs and the Pens had one (1) high danger chance. No bueno. I love Geno as much as I love my imaginary son, but his line spent an entire shift in their own end after being mostly absent all game. Jarry was forced to make an incredible save on a partial breakaway. Crosby hit a post. Our pets heads are falling off.

In the Game 3 recap blog, we talked about D-zone responsibility. Here's a screenshot from the lone goal (empty netter notwithstanding). Five (5) guys in white watching the puck while the goal-scorer floats into the slot uncontested. Can't blame JJ for this one. The goal served as a microcosm of the series and game - team-wide failure.

SUMMARY:

I know I'm breaking the rules slightly. This next song is from Nimrod, not Dookie, but we'll keep that between you and me. Everyone and their fish associates Green Day's good songs with Dookie anyway, that's a fact.

GOOD RIDDANCE: Not so much to the team, they deserve better than that. But the 2019-2020 season was one to forget, and it can kindly fuck right off. The Penguins had their ups and downs but the year was mostly defined by inconsistency, injuries, head-scratching coaching/GM decisions and even worse on-ice play by a sizable chunk of the roster. On paper, the Habs series loss could be justifiably known as the worst of this era. Plenty will be written on that subject and it will all be fair. Montreal gave up on the year and were the worst team in the tournament. For me personally, the Halak series in 2010 and the Flyers series in 2012 were infinitely more frustrating because my expectations were higher. This year, the Penguins lost 8 of their last 11 regular season games before the COVID circus, and never regained form. Their roster management (especially on defense) was going to make a deep run almost impossible. Add in all the weirdness that corona brought, and it just felt like a recipe for a stinker. Ask Edmonton, Toronto, and Nashville how much fun they had dealing with the "underdogs" in the bubble.

Justin Schultz - I hope you had the time of your life. It was a brutal end, but he sure as shit had some good moments. He won two Stanley Cups in his time here and fans should always love him for that. That doesn't change the fact he was abysmal this series and most of the last two years. The Penguins needed him to produce and elevate his game commiserate with his $5.5M cap hit earned after a stellar 51 point year in 2016, and instead he regressed. That's almost certainly due to his deployment with JJ, but there were times he looked lost no matter who his partner was. There was no reason for him to have more PP time than Marino this year. He is almost certainly gone as a UFA.

Last thing - I think there were too many people ready to declare this team's window for true contention dead if they lost this series. Maybe it is, but the mistakes feel fixable to me. Crosby, Malkin, & Letang are still producing at elite levels. Guentzel is one of the league's best wingers. Zucker is signed for 3 more years and was mostly excellent. I generally like their forward depth with some minor tweaks. Dumo and Marino are sex on a stick. These are all luxuries other teams don't have.

Schultz will be off the books and if there is a God, Johnson will be too. Here's my logic on JJ: His buyout would represent a $1.1MM cap hit for the next three years, and 916K for the three years after that. Not ideal, but his cap hit if he continues to play is $3.2MM. So you have to ask yourself if you can find someone who can do his job better for the delta ($2.1MM). Spoiler alert - you can. Buy him out or find a trade partner and retain as much salary as you need to. Hopefully GMJR realizes this in the off-season, or ownership better find someone who does.

We'll examine all of this in more detail as the off-season goes on. For now, relax and enjoy the hockey still being played. It ain't the end of the world, it was a goofy season. I can't bring myself to root for anyone in the East except maybe Tampa, so the Avalanche are the next logical horse given my time in Denver. I've had the opportunity to watch them in person a ton the last few years, and let me tell you, they're Wedding Crashers Rachel McAdams. Hot, fun, likable, and will probably be breaking hearts for the next decade.

Oh, and go Bettman! Let's hope that Pens ping pong ball is frozen tonight. Alexis Lafrenière would look great in black and yellow, a sight I'm sure the rest of the NHL would find very fair and legitimate. Go Pens.