Preparing Your Kids for The Daycare Bully

When you grow up with a forehead the size of Peru and toothpicks for legs, you're bound to deal with your fair share of bullies. Elementary school wasn't kind to me, and it didn't get much better in middle school or high school. The insults during the latter two are not appropriate to put into print, but let's just say I learned to deal with being called different variations of a chicken (Foghorn Leghorn, Chicken Little) before I mastered my multiplication tables.

Luckily the kids of this generation don't have to deal with that kind of adversity. Since most toddlers now have their own Instagram, Tik Tok and LinkedIn profiles by age 6, being woke about the dangers of bullying is every bit as essential potty training. The barbaric practice has been all but eradicated, and we have the internet and Jeff Bezos to thank.

Still, there is always an exception to the rule. I don't have kids, but I do consider myself a terrific father. If my little cubs do happen to run into some twerp stuck in 1997, they won't have to deal with the relentless teasing, swirlies and Indian Rug Burn their father endured. They will be prepared in the following ways:

1. De-Escalation: The key to winning 100% of fights is to ensure they never happen at all. Screaming lessons will replace singing lessons, assuming his whistle is out of reach. My kid will always instinctively know the location of the following: Fire Drill Lever, Principal's Office, "Block" Button, "Report" Button. All sure fire ways to avoid conflict long-term, tiring your aggressor into simply moving onto the next pipsqueak.

2. Physicality: My seed is unlikely to yield the next Kimbo Slice, so we'll need to be a little creative should things turn physical. If de-escalation hasn't worked and he finds himself "in the grasp", he'll learn to immediately start making out with his attacker. We'll have the babysitter practice kissing lessons with him. This is a win-win. If the bully likes it, my son avoids injury and maybe has himself a new friend. If he doesn't, hopefully the crowd that has gathered will recognize the bully for the homophobe he is, shaming him into moving to the next county. We'll have to table this technique if my son finds himself on the receiving end of a beat-down from a girl.

3. Blackmail: It is my understanding that by age 8, 79% of kids are already experimenting with drinking, drugs, and sex (bullies especially). Thankfully SnapChat and Instagram provide easy outlets to broadcast this bad behavior. While my son will be keeping our family Edward 40-Hands nights off social media, he'll be taking pictures on his burner phone of his enemy's stupid mistakes. Now he's avoided notifying them via screenshots, and the rest is easy. He and I will watch the "Shut Up and Dance" episode of Black Mirror for pointers on the best way to execute cyber-blackmail, ensuring those pictures are held over the offender's heads for the rest of time. He'll never even land a job interview.

4. Bribery: What's one thing tots love more than candy? Drugs That Taste Like Candy. I would never allow my son to become the school burnout weed dealer. However, in certain instances it doesn't hurt to train your foes like dogs and give them a little reward for behaving the way you want them to. At the end of the day, bullies are just trying to look cool and escape a miserable life at home, so why not give them something that will accomplish both? If Butch agrees to not call my son a skinny p**** b**** online for an entire week, I'll put a bag of gummies in his lunchbox to share on Monday. This is also a long-term win, as kids who start using weed early are much more likely to not get into college and end up hooked on heroin. It's science.

5. Emotional Abuse: The ol' burning shit on the doorstep routine is tried and true, but the the internet has provided much more possibilities in this area. Hire a private investigator to spy on his family and get the school paper to report on whatever scandal he/she can dig up. Bombard his inbox with pictures of his family members committing atrocities via Photoshop. Create a Twitter account with a name that could be loosely tied to him and say horribly embarrassing things, then expose it as his "burner" account. Invite your Dad (me) to take your-kid-to-work day, where I'll pose as police officer and make vague references to how often I'm called to his neighborhood. Bribe the lunch ladies to skimp on his portions and remark "you look like you could use a salad instead."

There are plenty of other techniques, but the examples above should give your kids a head start in dealing with any adversity in a healthy and productive way. Remember, you don't need to be the perfect parent - just be there for them.