Punching Down: Unathletic Children on Nickelodeon

Everybody knows the fastest way for a full grown man to display his lack of insecurity is to make fun of a bunch of kids embarrassing themselves on national television. This is easy for me; I have never choked in my life. Ever. My adolescent athletic career was a blurring series of clutch-hits, buzzer-beater 3-pointers, and drained 5-foot par putts. The only reason I didn't go pro was because there was even more money in blogging for 54 people. So while I certainly can't understand the sinking, petrifying, helpless feeling these kids are going through first-hand, I can absolutely identify it through the countless dead bodies left totally humiliated in my wake.

Most of these videos are way too long, I suppose because the author wanted to "provide context" (lame). I don't want to waste anyone's time, so I'll include the exact timestamp you'll want to skip to for the good stuff. I'm a good person.

COLONEL SANDERS (full video, only 11 seconds): This is a Pavlov's dog situation. In the 90s, 10-years-olds only cared about two things. When the next video game system came out, and when the next fast food meal was. When you hear The Colonel's name, your brain just stops functioning and you immediately react. We were all basically Eric Cartman addicted to KFC. The question could have been "What is 2+2? A) 4 B) 5 C) Colonel Sanders" and you know this idiot would have blurted out Colonel Sanders before he even knew what hit him. This is the most understandable failure of the bunch, but a failure nonetheless.

NO SENSE OF URGENCY (0:26 - 0:51): Little good news/bad news if you're friends with this chick. Bad news: Probably never returns a call or text. Good news: If you're ever in a house fire or being chased by a bear, she's unquestionably going down first. WHAT is the deal with this performance? Forget to have your coffee this morning babe? Time's a-tickin! I cannot imagine how infuriating this was for her parents watching from the studio. Screaming your head off "HURRY UP! HURRRRY UPPPP!" while she saunters around like she's browsing for tomatoes at the Sunday farmer's market. Unbelievable.

IT'S ONLY THREE PIECES (1:26 - 1:42): Same video, different kid. The whole video is pretty good but these are the two most egregious errors. Hey kid, you have a body. Are your arms at the bottom of your body? Neither are the silver monkey's. Three pieces - feet, arms, head. How did you not go over this before the show? Have you never seen the show before? Have you never seen a body before? I understand the Hidden Temple has plenty of unknowns you can't possibly prepare for, but this is the one thing that is the same every time. Inexcusable mental mistake.

WHAT IS THIS "JUMPING" THING? (1:13 - 2:00): I always thought these shows were like the Little League World Series. The contestants had worked their way through the competition and finally made it to the big stage. Now I realize it was more like getting into private school. Whoever's parents paid the most got on. Talk about a meltdown. Hey kid, you realize jumping is much easier when you're, you know, on the ground first? Watching him go around and around, flailing his tiny little legs trying to propel himself upwards off thin air was mesmerizing. You'd think he'd peek over his shoulders and see the girl kicking his ass and figure it out. I'd be stunned if his parents didn't immediately put him up for adoption after the show.

- QUICK BREAK: That's the last of the Legend of the Hidden Temple videos, but I'd be remiss if we didn't talk about the Temple Guards. Hindsight is always 20/20, but how bizarre was the idea of half-naked adults dressed like cartoonish jungle warriors coming out from hiding and grabbing kids from behind? I used to see those fuckers in my nightmares. Talk about something that would NOT fly in 2020. What kind of people sign up for a job like that? The Temple Guards could not have been very well-compensated. For love of the game? Yikes - let's move on.

AXE-MAN? MORE LIKE ACCIDENT MAN (0:00 - 0:25): This is why you should always get your kids into sports, even if they suck. Adversity and failure under pressure are life's greatest humblers. There's cocky, and then there's this Russian moron. Did he learn nothing from the Ivan Drago upset? Note the "wink" at 0:09. There was no doubt in his mind he was going to slaughter this event. Then he goes and OOPS - pulls a Dale Earnhart on the very first turn. (It's been 20 years, I think I'm safe on that joke). You hate to see it.

UP SHIT CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE (0:08 - 1:15): Do yourself a favor and mute these next two videos, they're funnier without the stupid commentary. Anyway, this was tough to watch. It was like that UFC fight where one guy is clearly getting his head caved in and the ref refuses to stop the match. I can't believe they let this poor kid flail around for that long. At one point, he almost drowned falling out of the tube and the lifeguards left him out to dry. He's panicking so badly at 0:52 that he actually reaches for the barrier, trying to climb out of the pool. Keep paddling, kid! He looked like that group of nuns that mistakenly sign up for a rafting trip on a Class V river, figuring it will be a great "bonding" experience. By the time Sister Ruth is in the river, all the rest of them can do is wave their paddle around and hang on for dear life. God will save you! Ponytail man mercifully throws in the towel and brings him back to shore, but the damage had been done.

POOR MARCUS (0:00 - 0:41): I hate to pick on Poor Marcus again, but it's not my fault he's got two of the best low-lights on the internet. I didn't make the rules, I just know how to use the search bar. This video pretty much speaks for itself. Like the Hidden Temple kid above, Marcus apparently has no concept of how jumping works. Him knocking over each and every pole is high comedy. Sorry buddy.

HANDS OFF THE KIDS, PAL! (0:21 - 1:31): OK, so these kids still suck but I don't want to bury the lead - the story here is the host. I counted two (2) ass pats, twelve (12) violent arm grabs, and one (1) waist grab. This dude was HANDSY. He looked like a parent dragging his/her screaming 5-year-old twins through the cereal aisle at the supermarket. This was from the late 80s, not 90s, so maybe slightly different times. Bottom line - you have to think the bruises these kids woke up with the next day were much more a result of the overzealous host rather than the whipped cream face-plants.

That's all I got. It'd be nice if someone did a "where are they now" on some of these kids. Most of them probably developed serious alcohol/drug problems following the utter disgrace they brought upon their families. Still, you have to think some may have bounced back to become highly successful and well-respected members of society like myself. One can dream.

- QUICK BREAK: That's the last of the Legend of the Hidden Temple videos, b

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one quick side note. In retrospect, how bizarre was the part where half-naked adults dressed like cartoonish "jungle people" would come out from hiding and grab the kids from behind? I used to see those fuckers in my nightmares. Talk about something that would NOT fly in 2020. What

kind of people sign up for a job like that? The Temple Guards could not have been very well-compensated. For love of the game? Yikes - let's move on.