Recurring Dreams: What They Actually Mean

There's no shame in wetting the bed from a scary dream at age 31. Heck, if COVID forces me to move home, I look forward to sleeping in my parents bed at least 4 times a week like I did in good old days of senior year high school.

Things like brain activity, the stress of the day, and the horrors of getting undressed during middle school gym class probably contribute to varying experiences humans tend to have with everyday dream activity. Some people barely dream at all, others are chased by a ostrich vampires almost weekly. However, I think there are a handful of dreams almost everyone has had a some point, or are at least are familiar with. Some people prefer to lean on the experience of "experts" like psychologists and doctors to interpret what each of these mean, but we all know that has been PC'd to the death. In this blog, we're looking for real answers. I'll give you the Sesame Street interpretation from Google in the margin, then I'll tell you what it really means in the blog. Warning: If you're interested in the truth, keep reading. If you want to keep living with your head in the sand, smash that X in the top right corner of the page.

Sharks in a Swimming Pool: Considering most people start having this dream when they're like 7 years old, we probably ought to send the authorities after whatever sicko wrote this explanation. News Flash: Most normal people don't start having sexual desires until we're at least 20 - 21 years old, so it's physically impossible for this interpretation to be accurate.

What this dream actually means: You're about to lose all your money. Ever heard of a pool shark? Duh. Much like the pool shark, this dream means that life is lulling you into a sense of confidence and comfort before taking every cent you're worth. So, if you have this dream, examine where this danger could be coming from. Maybe your wife is planning a divorce, so it's best to liquidate all your assets immediately and take your kids to Tahiti. Or maybe your business partner is planning a hostile takeover, so better hire a lawyer and sue him before he can do the same to you. Cancel your trip to Vegas. For the younger crowd, it's probably time to pack an extra lunch, because you're getting shaken down for every dime and Swiss Roll you're worth at school tomorrow.

Losing All Your Teeth: It's highly likely the moron "friend" the author is referencing also had a sharks in swimming pool dream and thought nothing of it just before his wife surprised him with the divorce. Now he's probably penniless and having dog orgies for sixers (2nd to last Always Sunny reference for this blog). You live and you learn. Anyway, what this dream actually means: Put down the cheese steak, tubby! What do teeth help you do? Chew and eat, of course. Your mind is politely telling you that you're fat as shit, and you need to stop eating so much. This is no different than when your mouth gets dry and you sweat, your body is telling you to drink water. With the exception of milkshakes/ice cream, it's almost impossible to develop diabetes if you're drinking all your meals. There is a reason all your repulsive co-workers go on a juice cleanse the first week in January. The Christmas cookie weight ain't gonna drop itself.

Showing Up Naked To School/Work: This explanation would lead you to believe that how you react to the dream nakedness is an indicator of what's happening in your real life, and I'm here to tell you whoever wrote that is an idiot. What it actually means: You're about to be in serious legal trouble. What happens when you show up naked to work or school? You get fired or expelled, and possibly go to jail. If you have this dream, some things to do immediately the next day: Skip work and or school, and spend the day thinking about all the wrong things you've done, then set up a fall-guy who you can frame for the entire thing. Call your lawyer. Comb your entire social media history for anything that could get you "cancelled" and delete it immediately. Pack a "go-bag" with all the essentials needed to abandon your family and start over a new life ($10,000 in cash and a fake ID is a good start). Shave your head. Clear your internet searches. Call your ex and tell him/her everything you wish you'd said but never did (good or bad). Enter every room with a gun drawn like Frank Reynolds (ok I'm done). This is all just for starters to be safe, but you can fill in the additional essentials depending on your specific crime.

Being Chased: I've always said that psychologists are just psychics who are dumb enough to pay for 8 years of school when a crystal ball and a deck of cards costs $20. Miss Cleo never got sued for malpractice, either. Well, except for that one time, but hey, $500M and no school! Nonetheless, this explanation from Google proves my point. Oh really, Nicoletti? Me running away from Michael Myers in my dream means I'm running away from something in real life? Thanks - here's my check for $250/hour! What it really means: Go against your instincts. Ever notice how you're practically paralyzed when running away in these dreams? Damn Bambi leg havin' ass bitch. Your natural instinct is to run away from the knife wielding maniac - your brain taking away your mobility is it's way of reminding you to run TOWARDS the trouble in your real life. Afraid to tell your boss off? Shit on his desk. Bully calling you names? Kiss him. Final exams got you stressed? Burn your books and wing it. Money problems? Fuck working hard, rob a jewelry store.

Plane Crash: Google is out here covering more bases with this answer than Rickey Henderson. What a disgrace. What is actually means: We've all seen the movie, just don't get on the goddam plane. Sidenote: What the hell happened to Devon Sawa? He was iconic in Final Destination and Little Giants and then fell off for like 20 years. You can't be given a role like JUNIOR FLOYD and not be a star. That's undeniably a Top 2 fictional athlete name ever.

Now you know. Sweet dreams.