Rudolph's Hair, Steelers Reg Season Wrap + Prediction Accountability feat. Sandwich Shops

Before the 2018 draft, I made one of my famous bold predictions. They're famous not because anybody really cares about them, but because I store them away to incessantly brag about later (if I'm right). If I'm wrong, nobody remembers anyway. That's called being Petty, babe. Call me Tom.

Anyway, that particular prediction went like this: Mason Rudolph would end up being better than all QBs drafted before him by Year 5. If you remember the 2018 draft, it was loaded with QBs including Baker Mayfield, Josh Allen, Sam Darnold, and Lamar Jackson. Whoops.

I did this for two reasons: 1) Mason won me some money in a meaningless Saturday afternoon blowout at Ok State, and 2) He had an amazing haircut and was generally a hot guy. Everybody knows that a QB's looks are the #3 most reliable indicator of his potential greatness, just behind Talent and Name. Ever heard of Tom Brady? How about Joe Namath, Joe Montana, or Brett Favre? Ever wonder why the Dilfers and Hasselbacks are a laughing stock? Lie to me and tell me this kid doesn't look like a Hall of Famer:

Since that day, Mason has inexplicably grown out his hair. His play, reputation, and possibly even skull, have suffered as a result. The best picture of his shit mop I could find was the one up top, but you'll just have to be on the lookout for it on live TV. It's a brutal half-mullet that goes haywire when he takes off his helmet. He looks like a fart-sniffing softball dad from Ohio who berates his 10 year old daughters for not tagging up.

Anyway - that's Mason Rudolph. Thanks for nothing.

As for the Steelers, the regular season has come to a merciful end. After getting way out ahead of the league and the division in the first 11 games, the Steez suffered a handful of injuries, shitty QB play, and general stinky performances to the tune of 12-4 and the AFC's #3 seed. Honestly - it's right where they belonged all along.

Their reward? A home date with the Cleveland COVIDS. As of this writing, it appears the Brahhhnies will be without their head coach Kevin Stefanski. Besides being smoking hot (take notes Rudolph), Stefanski also serves as the offensive play caller for the Browns. They will miss him and his gorgeous haircut.

EDITORS NOTE: It's amazing it took the Browns this long to hire a hot coach. Ever heard of McVay? Kingsbury? Shanahan? LaFleur? Tomlin? Hire hot!

Additionally, the Browns could be short a handful of players, including at least one who is "significant." All my moron friends seem to think it is Nick Chubb, who would certainly meet that criteria.

Who knows what will change between then and now. Will more Browns be out? Will some of Pittsburgh's players begin to test positive? Who will call plays for the Browns? Will Baker Mayfield continue to be the best athlete-actor crossover since Peyton Manning? Seriously - he's unbelievably natural. We will find out on Sunday....maybe....or it could get delayed.

Whenever the game is played, here are the Top Five Keegan-Michael-Keys to the Game:

1. Show the Fuck Up on Time: Don't make me say Tebow. DEFINITELY don't make me say Bortles. Look, don't shoot the messenger, but the Steelers haven't won a playoff game in 10 years. In addition the two unmentionables above, they also got blown out by the Pats in 2017 and the Ravens in 2015. Yeah - those teams/seasons have nothing to do with this one, but Mike Tomlin needs to learn from whatever went wrong back then. You HAVE to show up ready to throat stomp an inferior team, especially with the Browns on the proverbial COVID-ropes. The NFL, perhaps more than any other league, magnifies mistakes. The playoffs often come down to 1-2 possessions (or plays). I would almost rather Cleveland be at full strength so the "sleepwalk factor" didn't seem as prevalent, but whatever. Don't let it happen this time. EDITORS NOTE: One of my esteemed readers reminded me they won playoff games in 2015 AND 2016. I thought both were 1st round losses. This is why I should never go from memory, and why I will never make it anywhere in life and always be an embarrassment to my parents. I suck, but the typo stays.

2. Let it Fly: All you heard about the last 4 weeks on Twitter were people crying about Ben's noodle arm. Seemed idiotic to me considering he was lighting the world on fire like a month ago. I mean, yeah, he's not what he was in 2008, but did people really think his arm just died like my 1998 Ford Explorer? The Steelers inexplicably dinked and dunked for 3.5 games and looked like dog ass. Ben missed some throws. Then he turned it loose in the 2nd half of the Colts game and everyone shut up real quick. I'm not going to pretend to know whether this is a Ben or Fichtner issue, but if both can't understand what works by now, it's a lost cause. Throw the goddam ball downfield. Involve Claypool. Draw a penalties. Back the defense up.

3. Run the Ball Early: The first two keys are within the Steelers control. This one may not be, but they at least have to try. The Steelers don't need to rush for 100+ yards, but must establish a threat to open up their weapons on the outside. I don't think there's a huge difference in Conner / Snell, but if you can get those guys to peel off a couple 6+ yard runs in the first quarter, you're set up nicely for the rest of the game.

4. Stuff the Run w/ Heyward: The Browns rank 6th in the NFL in rushing and 27th in passing. So...shut down the run, contain the pocket, and force Baker to make plays with his arm. How do you do that? Stuff the run with Big Cam. The Browns starting Left Guard Joel Bitonio (great lineman name) will not play, so let's hope Heyward EATS.

5. Involve Mike Hilton: There is a legitimate argument that Mike Hilton was the Steelers' best player on defense on days when TJ Watt wasn't murdering people's livelihoods. He has been incredibly dynamic, and always seems to be around the ball when the Steelers make a big stop. Keith Butler usually dials up a handful of Hilton blitzes per game - keep doing that. The Steelers LB depth is thin right now (though guys like Highsmith and Williamson have hung in there). I'd like to see the Steelers use their star nickel as a LB/rover hybrid to assist the LBs in the run/short pass game. Good things happen when #28 is involved.

6. Paint the Browns Logo in the Endzone, then Dance on It During Pregame Warm-Ups on Tik Tok: Just kidding, kind of.

Ok then. We'll get to prediction accountability in a second, but quick statement since most people will check out before then: Huge thanks to my DOZENS of readers who enjoyed my shitty Steelers takes this year. It's been a blast - I hope we can rub nips at The Pensblog for hockey season. Go Steelers.

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PREDICTION ACCOUNTABILITY

For today, we'll go with prediction classifications based on sandwich places: Jersey Mikes (money) / Jimmy John's (barely passing grade) / Subway (abomination)

1. Big Ben: Will look awkward with his massive head and newly-petite figure. He will light up the Giants in Week 1 like a Christmas tree, then fall back down to earth a bit in Week 2-3. He will throw three interceptions in a game at least twice. He will also miss at least two games, because he's Big Ben. Despite all of that, he will finish the year a Top-7 QB in attempts, yards, completions, and TDs. JIMMY JOHN'S: Ben was #3 in attempts and completions, #9 in TDs, and #16 in yards. Missed one game. The last quarter dink-fest killed his stats, but I was close-ish.

2. Defense: Timely turnovers and defensive scores inflated the Steelers defensive rankings last year. They will regress, and not finish in the Top-10 in either category. SUBWAY: #1 in interceptions/INT scoring. Not quite as many fumbles this year, but that's nit-picking. They are elite and #1 in all meaningful categories. I'm an idiot.

3. Bud Dupree: Will call Shaq about getting an endorsement from Icy Hot, since he’ll be super hot and cold (and not good for a sack). He will have a couple huge games with two sacks and a forced fumble, and the other 13 weeks you'll have to check the box score to make sure he played. JERSEY MIKES: He was indeed hot and cold until his injury (mostly good). He's probably played his last snap in Black & Gold.

4. T.J. Watt: Will continue to be sexier than J.J and Derek. Unlike the NHL, NFL teams typically pay their star players throughout the majority of their careers. T.J. Watt won't make it easy on them. He will have yet another Pro-Bowl season with two interceptions, twelve sacks, and plenty of bicep veins. He will command Top-3 money at his position by next year. JERSEY MIKES: Best player on the best defense. League leaders in sacks. Probably DPOY. Take a bow, TJ.

5. James Conner: Will have seven different haircuts. This will also be the year Yinzers lose patience with him once he goes down with a non-contact injury in Week 6. SUBWAY: He...wasn't great, but technically no injury. Still, fans are losing patience with him all the same, whether it's his fault or not. Expect Steelers to address this position in the offseason/draft.

6. Mortal Lock of the Year: After narrowly escaping the Bengals in Week 10, the Steelers will lose to Jacksonville in Week 11 ahead of a divisional showdown with the Ravens. Rub it down, lock it up, and take it straight to the bank. Tell your bookie I said sorry. SUBWAY: Arrived 2 weeks late vs. Washington, then vs. Cincy.

7. Cam Heyward: Will be balder than you remember, but that won't stop him from terrorizing opposing QBs. If there is one guy who will live up to a nice fat contract, it's him. JERSEY MIKES: Too easy. Heart and soul.

8. The Offense: Will be Jekyll and Hyde. Ben will throw too much (around 65% of downs), which will lead to consecutive games where they score 3 points then 40 points. Dionte Johnson will officially pass up Tik Tok Schuster as the clear-cut #1, which isn't really great news for anybody other than Johnson. Speaking of JuJu...JERSEY MIKES: Nailed it.

9. JuJu Smith-Schuster: Will be #trending on Twitter at least 37 times this year, with Mark Madden and 93.7 the Fan squeezing every bit of content they can out of him before he leaves next year. Honestly, I don't really have a strong opinion on the guy. I think some of his social media shenanigans are incredibly embarrassing and juvenile, but I'm also an old out-of-touch bitch who doesn't know shit about building a brand. JuJu getting single-coverage during the AB years probably inflated expectations for him beyond what was reasonable, and now he's paying for it. That's probably a little unfair, but it ain't like he does himself any favors. Silly games = silly prizes. JERSEY MIKES: 38th in yards. 12th in TDs. 9th in catches. He was slightly better than expected and came up huge in the Colts game. The Steelers still treat him like a #2 WR, which is what he is. I doubt they bring him back in 2021, but thanks for the content. MM will find a new whipping boy (Claypool?) before long.

10. Minkah Fitzpatrick: What's the saying for client-relations in business? Under-promise, over-deliver? Minkah will wish he lived by that credo. Like JuJu, he will earn the ire of the mongoloid Yinzer media because of unrealistic expectations set via alien-level production last year. Nonetheless, he'll be rock-solid with at least five picks and two scores. JIMMY JOHN'S. Four picks, a fumble recovery, and a score. A little less than expected, but a great year nonetheless.

11. David Decastro: Will give lots of good, sincere, angry quotes after losses. SUBWAY: I don't think I saw one quote from him all year. Good.

12. Devin Bush: Will have the flyest rat-tail in the league. He'll also have a Pro-Bowl year. SUBWAY: Unfortunate turn of events for the sophomore. Come back strong next year DB!

13. Terrell Edmunds: Will continue to search for a fourth brother so they can finally transform into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles before the Watts get to it first. He will also be visibly three steps late on at least five deep touchdowns. I hate saying this - I'm sure Edmunds is a nice guy and I always like to root for guys from my alma-mater (Go Hokies). But he kinda stinks, right? JERSEY MIKE'S: Seriously...pick a random series and spotlight him. He is the master of arriving to a play just in time to stand on the outside of the pile, or to watch a receiver comfortably convert a 3rd and 13 on the sideline. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but he is the worst player on this defense and you can't tell me otherwise.

14. The Ravens: Will win the division easily, despite slightly regressing. Record will be 12-4, and Robert Griffin III will play in at least two games. I also hate saying this because Lamar Jackson is firmly my favorite non-Steeler (see, I told you I wasn't emotional). I just simply refuse to believe a guy who plays that way can get through a season fully healthy once teams have a full off-season to prepare for the MVP. Now, I also think he throws a much better ball than he's given credit for. Should he become more of a Mahomes / Wilson / Watson type where he passes first and runs only when called upon, then look the fuck out. SUBWAY: Ok, so they didn't run away with the division. But RGIII has played in multiple games now!

15. Chris Boswell: Will be working at Enterprise Rent-a-Car by Week 10. They really give you the tools to be your own boss. JIMMY JOHNS: He's missed some extra points and Matt Wright has been money in limited action. Are we sure we want him to come back for the playoffs?

16. Chase Claypool: I'm a closet Notre Dame fan (boooo!), so I want Chase to do well. No time for emotional takes though - my gut tells me he will be the least impactful Steelers top pick in years. Not necessarily his fault - they got him in Round 2. He will struggle to earn targets. Good chance he shoves this up my hoop considering the Steelers' history of drafting WRs. SUBWAY: Let's move on.

17. Jordan Dangerfield: Will be called exclusively "Rodney" by me for the entire year. JERSEY MIKES

18. Joshua Dobbs / Mason Rudolph: Will both stink in relief, mainly due to being involved in a love triangle with Hannah-Ann from the Bachelor. Mercy. JIMMY JOHN'S: They were both ok. Nothing more.

19. Eric Ebron: Nothing to say but solid fit. Eight TDs, will finish a Top-10 Fantasy TE. JIMMY JOHN'S: This one fell off a cliff. Ebron had 5 TDs and was looking like a dynamic part of the offense, earning a shit ton of targets. Then he started dropping the ball and got COVID. Ho-hum.

20. The Secondary: Joe Haden and Steven Nelson will take turns each week on who's turn it is to suck while the other plays great. Mike Hilton will have two interceptions in incredibly huge moments and not be heard from again the balance of the year. JIMMY JOHN'S: Mike Hilton is the league's best nickel. The other guys have been hot/cold.

21. Mike Tomlin: Will allow Mike Epps to coach one game just to see if anyone notices. Just kidding. Tomlin is perhaps the best leader in the NFL, and the worst clock--and-challenge-manager. Seriously, I think he's like 5-for-23 on challenges the last four years. He'll cost them at least one game with an inexplicable gaffe. That said, you can count on one hand the number of coaches I'd rather have. It's been said before but bears repeating: He deserves the Nobel Peace Prize for managing the AB/Lev Bell/Early Ben teams for as long as he did. He missed the playoffs in 2018 for the first time in 6 years, and 2019 doesn't count with Duck Hodges' corpse playing QB. Bounce-back year for Mike T. JIMMY JOHN'S: He had some clock management shit in the Colts game (I think) and led stinkers vs. Wash and Cincy, but I'm not gonna get on him too much. Pretty good bounce back year, but it won't matter if they don't win a playoff game. Do it.

22. Final Record: 9-7....but they'll make the playoffs! The Texans, Ravens, Chiefs, and Bills are going to run away with their divisions. Pencil in the Steelers and Pats as the wild-card teams. SUBWAY: Glad to be wrong. Go Steelers.

Final Tally: 7-7-8. Thanks for reading.