Ski Trips for Idiots, Written by An Idiot

Ski trips are a luxury few people have in life. I consider myself extremely lucky to have a Dad who loved skiing as much as I did growing up and could afford to take me. Those trips are not only incredibly valuable on a bonding level as you get older but also helped influence my decision to move west and experience all the shit I'm about to talk about. That tradition has adjusted slightly and is now the annual boys getaway for a group of friends, many of whom are scattered all over the country. Anyway, if you're lucky enough to work a job that will allow you to take 4-5 days off in the dead of winter, we figure we might as well make it count. In addition to the obvious variable of weather conditions determining the experience, most mountains have a couple identifiable characteristics that differentiate them from the others. We're not talking about basketball players here and this is NOT a "Top 5 Of All Time" list. Ski trips are all about what you're looking for. Do you expect a personal ride home and a goodnight text from Derek Jeter? Of course not. So don't be disappointed when you go to Telluride and can't find a keg party.

Telluride, CO: Colorado Paradise. Telluride is a six hour drive from Denver, which makes it the one of the best options for avoiding crowds in the state. The San Juan range of the Rockies where Telluride is located skis a bit steeper, so you'll feel like you're being more challenged than at Vail, for example. Conditions are consistently money - lots of soft snow and no crowds. Powder days are paradise with lots of medium-density tree runs. Personally I treat mogul runs like Keith Richards treats sobriety, but there's plenty of bumps if that's you're thing. Many of the houses are second homes for Colorado natives, and the town is very small so affordable vacation spots are fucking pricey. The place is a wet dream for that "freelance photographer" friend on Facebook. There is a gondola that runs after-hours right into town, which provides a pretty insane view. Go for the skiing and the scenery, not the nightlife. The music festivals in summer ain't bad, either.

Whistler-Blackcomb, BC: Bring Xanax and Advil. Whistler is in many ways the ultimate ski trip destination. First things first: The skiing is insane. The mountain is enormous and there is simply too much acreage for patrol to maintain appropriately. The mountain is located about 1.5 hours north of Vancouver in the Pacific Northwest which means two things: Steep and Wet. It ain't that far from Seattle, so imagine that much rain, but at elevation (aka whiteouts). That can make for lots of snow but poor visibility, which isn't everybody's cup of tea when dealing with potential hidden cliffs. The Peak-To-Peak gondola between Whistler and Blackcomb is the highest in North America and the glass floor turns my balls into raisins (shout out Simon Birch). As for the town, hoo boy. Whistler played host to many of the 2010 Vancouver Olympic events and I'm not sure how the athletes got out of bed. There are several bars in town that feel more like clubs. They are staffed almost exclusively by Australian foreign-exchange students who love to party. Longhorn Saloon is the big apres bar at the mountain base, which feels more like a a winter themed Vegas Dayclub. The DJ goes on and the champagne bottles are popping by about 3PM every weekend. The ratio still skews male but it's MUCH closer to 50:50 than any other town on this list. There are tons of delicious restaurants in town and plenty of sightseeing. If you're lucky enough to be driving up in the daytime from Vancouver, the views of the Bays are staggering. Whistler is really the only mountain that needs considering if the trip is of the bachelor party variety. You'll need Advil for the skiing/booze soreness, and Xanax for the excruciating flight back east. It's not an easy place to get to, but worth the effort.

Jackson Hole, WY: Out Cold, For Now. The secret is way out on Jackson Hole, which makes their ability to cling to their blue-collar ski town vibe that much more impressive. It's location in impossible-to-get-to Wyoming probably helps. I'm going to assume most people have seen Out Cold, but if you haven't, go watch it now. Killer soundtrack, pre-Hangover Zach Galfianakis, and a one-liner gold mine. The plot, which doesn't matter at all, involves a blue-collar ski town fighting against a corporate big wig who wants to turn it into Aspen. Anyway - that's Jackson Hole. The cracks are starting to show a little bit, with mansions popping up and property values skyrocketing. Still, in 2020 it's almost impossible to find a mountain as impressive as JH that hasn't been augmented to the point of no return like a Jenner sister. The most popular bar in town is Million Dollar Cowboy, and I wore sweatpants there every single night. The beer is still (relatively) cheap. The best restaurant in town is a locally owned burger joint where the owner will talk to you for 20 minutes about how to do 30,000 vertical by 11am. The skiing itself is located in the Teton Mountain range, which is known for being STEEEEEP with very limited beginner terrain. The process of teaching your girlfriend to ski is always going to be as pleasant as a root canal, but JH is the last place you'd even try. Corbet's is the most well-known spot to make a terrible decision risking serious injury, but there are plenty of others. It was closed due to ice when I was there, but I 100% would have chickened out anyway.

Breckenridge / Vail, CO: Tourism. It's likely if you've ever traveled west for a ski trip, one of these two resorts made the final cut. They're actually about 30 minutes apart but share similar characteristics and since many people hit both on the same trip, we're combining them. Vail's back bowls are world class and an obvious no-brainer for a powder day,d. The skiing isn't terribly difficult but if you're willing to look hard enough, the sheer amount of terrain allows you to find some untouched snow and mild cliff drops later in the day. Barring a weather nightmare on treacherous I-70, the accessibility from Denver makes for a relatively painless journey. The crowds can be a major issue, especially at Breckenridge on the weekend. As you walk through both towns you feel a bit like you're in a movie who's set designer Googled "Ski Town USA." The vibe is right down the fairway of a commercialized ski town, which makes sense since Vail is one of the largest ski resort operators in the world (and owns Breck). There are plenty of places to get hammered afterwards, and Breck nightlife is top notch. Like almost all ski towns though, the ratio is heavily skewed male. If you're OK getting convenience and good skiing in exchange for crowds and price, no need to overthink it.

Aspen, CO: Pomp & Circumstance. Aspen is the ultimate Instagram mountain; people go there for the same reason they go to a Lakers game. Mary Swanson's family isn't the only big money in town, as plenty of celebrities are in and out constantly. That is not to minimize the skiing - there is plenty of room between the four mountains in the area (Aspen, Aspen Highlands, Buttermilk, and Snowmass). None of them feel overly challenging or unique when compared to other Colorado mountains but the pure acreage and diversity of terrain make for an efficient use of a 3.5 hour trip from Denver. Aspen hosts the X-Games and that weekend is a microcosm for the town as a whole. Amazing events, gorgeous people, tough-to-get-into parties, and people doing coke in the bathroom. It probably sounds like I'm trashing the town and while the scene isn't my favorite, it's something I do believe every ski bum should experience once. It's fucking Aspen. Credit to me for making it through this paragraph with only one Dumb and Dumber reference.

Big Sky, MT: Big Sky = Big Money. While Aspen may provide the glam-and-glitz factor, much of the true big wealth ski nuts hide away in Big Sky. The geographic accessibility challenges allow those who want to escape the Colorado crowds more room to breathe. The perception of Montana being boring is starting to change, but flying into Bozeman and getting up to Big Sky isn't always practical for a family who's members aren't all first-chair die-hards, nor is it top of mind for your typical tourist. The mountain itself is solid with lots of ungroomed terrain with plenty of variety. The bluebird day (wall-to-wall sunshine with soft conditions) likelihood is high. You're also adjacent to Yellowstone National Park which is an awesome place for an off-day of exploring, snowmobiling, fishing ,etc...Like any ski town, there are still plenty of Regular Joe locals keeping the town running and a couple spots to grab a cheap beer. Make no-mistake though - it's where the Big Boys get away from city peasants like us. It's worth noting Big Sky is attached by private lift to the super-exclusive Yellowstone Club where people like Tom Brady and Justin Timberlake have ski homes. So, yeah, not exactly John Wayne-era Montana.

Honorable Mentions:

Steamboat, CO: A++ town, funk factor, above average skiing, small-ish crowds. This is where I'd buy a second home if I won the lottery.

A Basin / Keystone, CO: For the locals!

Park City, UT: From what I could tell, awesome town and skiing. Unfortunately I got jammed up with weather on my one and only trip so I don't feel I can give it a fair review.

Beaver Creek, CO: Botox and lift line cookies

Heavenly, CA: I drove up for one day in late March during a work trip and most of the snow had melted, so I didn't get the full experience. You can't help but think of poor Fredo when taking in the surreal Lake Tahoe views. The only ski resort to my knowledge in North America with a heavy casino presence, so that's a plus.