St. Mary's Glacier - The Coward's Hike with Optional Redemption

Hiking season in Colorado is upon us. If you've never lived in Denver, you might imagine the experience thusly: Alarm goes off at 6am as you slowly rise and throw on the sexiest pair of leggings you got. Brew a quick cup of coffee, pack a bag, and make the short commute up the mountain to the backwoods trail head. Enjoy the not-too-tough climb and be rewarded with a view from heaven while you and the friends enjoy the quiet beauty of the Rockies. Rinse Repeat.

The reality, however, is that the secret has been out for decades now and most of the popular hikes are as crowded as Christmas Eve mass. The mountains are only in one direction (west) and your options for getting there are basically the two-lane I-70, or the oft-one-lane Route 285. If it's a good-weather weekend, which almost all of them are, you better get your ass in the car by 2-3am if you hope to avoid hours-long traffic. Dicey weather on the big hikes (called "Fourteeners" for the minimum height of 14,000 feet) usually rolls in by early afternoon. If you're not on the way down past the tree line by late lunchtime, you're risking getting wet or ending up like Marv from Home Alone in a lightning storm. Long story short: If you're like me (constantly hungover and sore), that type of commitment is reserved for once-or-twice a year AT MOST, and is certainly not a realistic way to spend an entire day with visiting booze hound friends or family. But they still want the Colorado Experience, mannnn!

Luckily the good Lord blessed us cowards with a handful of much-more-manageable-but-still-scenic options, and my favorite is St. Mary's Glacier. Now before I begin, a quick caveat for Sage and Indigo reading from their below-ground studio sharing a bowl of wheat germ sprouts: I know there are better hikes. I know it's crowded. I know there are other hidden gems. Again, this is purely based on convenience, while also holding a special place in my heart as the first hike after moving to Denver.

At the risk of treading too far into tour guide territory - two quick things that make this a much easier day than most.

1. Drive Time: The trail head is about an hour from downtown, but the key is half of that is AFTER the exit in Idaho Springs, so you miss a good chunk of the I-70 gong show.

2. The hike itself. Pretty mild grade and only about 2 miles round-trip. And since you're not 14,000 feet above treeline, weather is a little less of a concern. Leave Denver at noon, who cares. You'll still make happy hour.

At the top, you'll reach a pretty sick snow-covered glacier year round, giving way to a lake at the base. Occasionally you'll see some maniac skiers and snowboarders getting a late July/August fix by hiking the slope for what amounts to a less-than-60 second descent. No thanks. Snap a couple of pics with Mom & Dad, chug the overpriced IPAs you packed, and everyone's happy. Check out the legs on Poppa Gooey.

If you're still a little ashamed of taking it too easy on yourself, there is a possibility for redemption. The far end of the lake opposite the trail outlet sits a pretty significant cliff drop (pictured below). The launching area isn't exactly flawless. It's mostly uneven rock with just enough brush, branches, and loose pebbles nearby to make your dick shrink even smaller than it already is. Watch your fucking step. On my first visit there, I decided to send 'er with the help of some chirping onlookers and close friend Captain Morgan. The drop was about 40 - 50 feet and the lake isn't awfully deep, so making contact with the bottom was a little unexpected. That shock was nothing compared to the temperature of the water though - they don't call it a glacier for nothing.

That's about the extent of the St. Mary's experience and can be knocked out in an couple hours depending on how long you want to stick around. Plenty of time to get mom and dad back into town for a free meal and booze. Like I said - there are much more challenging and rewarding hikes to be had in Colorado but most of them require either a heroic weekend effort or a sick day at work. St. Mary's is the Colorado hike equivalent to that girl from Caddy Shack. Fun, pretty, won't take up your whole day, and surprisingly attainable.