Steelers 3rd Quarter + Prediction Accountability feat. My Underwear!!!

How underrated are Butterfingers? Top 5 candy bar for sure, and an absolutely diabolical Dairy Queen blizzard mix-in.

Anyway, the Pittsburgh Butterfingers have completed 75% of their season which means it's time for another state of the union courtesy of your favorite FOOTBALL GUY. Things have certainly...happened.

After taking care of business versus the putrid Bengals, Jags, and shorthanded Ravens, the Steelers let about 97 footballs and the perfect season slip through their fingers on Monday night. The undervalued Washington Dan Snyders came into Pittsburgh and upset the Steelers 23-17. If you're reading this on your way to the Liberty Bridge for a swan dive into the Mon River, you should still jump, but not before realizing you're probably overreacting. Couple things:

1. As mentioned, Washington is slightly undervalued. Their defense ranks 4th against the pass and 11th against the run. Their D line is stacked, and Chase Young is morphing into a DPOY type player. They are #2 in sacks behind...you guessed it...the Steelers. Alex Smith isn't going to light the world on fire but won't kill you either. It was a frisky opponent. Add that to two weeks of distractions and injuries, and you have the perfect recipe for a let-down game. Better now than vs. the Browns in Week 17.

2. Look dude - winning in the NFL is fucking HARD. While Clemson and Bama open up as 28 point favorites every week, you'd be lucky to find good value on a double-digit favorite in the NFL even five (5) times in an entire year. Every team is capable of shitting the bed and/or winning on any given Sunday. Much as we'd like to believe the Tomlin Loss is unique to the Steelers, they happen almost every week around the league. The same Raiders who beat the consensus #1 Chiefs should have lost to the 0-11 Jets, who are literally trying to lose. Relax - save the rope.

As for the Steelers, things will feel vastly different 5 weeks from now. A healthy team and an AFC crown will have most Yinzers feeling warm and fuzzy by January 3rd.

The #1 seed and bye would be nice but is more of a "want" vs. "need", and focusing on it would be a poor use of physical / emotional capital. Too many unknowns - and it's all about matchups. Would you rather play the freefalling Titans or the Browns a third time? You're going to have to beat the Chiefs in an empty stadium sometime - cross that bridge when (if) you get there. Don't exhaust yourself on the way.

As for X's and O's....fixing the running game is Priority 1A. The Steelers rank 28th in rush yards and dead last in YPC (yikes). It's no secret the offense lives and dies through the air, but you at least need the threat of a run (duh). Conner's return should help, but whoever is calling the plays (Ben or Fichtner) needs to find more imaginative ways to establish the run threat.

Oh, and catch the goddam ball.

Back to health - the defensive injuries are not yet crippling, but they're adding up. I'll be honest, I noticed minimal drop-off from Bush to Spillane, but losing Spillane/Haden/Nelson/Dupree in back-to-back weeks is significant. How important does the signing of Avery Williamson look now? Yinzers praying he lives up to #51.

They cannot afford to lose anybody else. Keep Minkah in bubble wrap.

Still, they are in a good spot. If someone told you in August that the Steelers would be 11-1 and fighting KC for the #1 seed with Baltimore comfortably in the divisional rear view mirror and a healthy Ben, you'd take that. You'd probably also take football of any kind....Corona2020 and all.

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PREDICTION ACCOUNTABILITY

Feel free to stop reading here if you don't care about my self-serving agenda. This is purely for record keeping so my asshole friends stop chirping me about sandbagging my picks.

This week's prediction rating system will be tiered by Underwear Brands. Tommy John (Money) Banana Republic (OK, but has some Holes) and Fruit of the Loom / FoTL (Throw it in the Trash)

1. Big Ben: Will look awkward with his massive head and newly-petite figure. He will light up the Giants in Week 1 like a Christmas tree, then fall back down to earth a bit in Week 2-3. He will throw three interceptions in a game at least twice. He will also miss at least two games, because he's Big Ben. Despite all of that, he will finish the year a Top-7 QB in attempts, yards, completions, and TDs. BANANA REPUBLIC: Ben is #1 in attempts and completions, #5 in TDs, and #12 in yards. Hasn't missed a game. So far, great comeback year for BB7 despite some hiccups.

2. Defense: Timely turnovers and defensive scores inflated the Steelers defensive rankings last year. They will regress, and not finish in the Top-10 in either category. FoTL: #1 in interceptions/INT scoring. Not quite as many fumbles this year, but that's nit-picking. They are elite and #1 in all meaningful categories.

3. Bud Dupree: Will call Shaq about getting an endorsement from Icy Hot, since he’ll be super hot and cold (and not good for a sack). He will have a couple huge games with two sacks and a forced fumble, and the other 13 weeks you'll have to check the box score to make sure he played. BANANA REPUBLIC: He was indeed hot and cold through the first half. He played pretty well in the three games leading up to his injury. His presence will be missed in the pass rush.

4. T.J. Watt: Will continue to be sexier than J.J and Derek. Unlike the NHL, NFL teams typically pay their star players throughout the majority of their careers. T.J. Watt won't make it easy on them. He will have yet another Pro-Bowl season with two interceptions, twelve sacks, and plenty of bicep veins. He will command Top-3 money at his position by next year. TOMMY JOHN: What else is there to say? Watt leads the league in sacks. As the best player on the best defense, he should get DPOY. He is currently the slight favorite for the award ahead of Aaron Donald.

5. James Conner: Will have seven different haircuts. This will also be the year Yinzers lose patience with him once he goes down with a non-contact injury in Week 6. FoTL: I won't count COVID as an injury. Need to get him back.

6. Mortal Lock of the Year: After narrowly escaping the Bengals in Week 10, the Steelers will lose to Jacksonville in Week 11 ahead of a divisional showdown with the Ravens. Rub it down, lock it up, and take it straight to the bank. Tell your bookie I said sorry. FoTL: Arrived 2 weeks late vs. Washington. Kind-of.

7. Cam Heyward: Will be balder than you remember, but that won't stop him from terrorizing opposing QBs. If there is one guy who will live up to a nice fat contract, it's him. TOMMY JOHN: Too easy. Heart and soul.

8. The Offense: Will be Jekyll and Hyde. Ben will throw too much (around 65% of downs), which will lead to consecutive games where they score 3 points then 40 points. Dionte Johnson will officially pass up Tik Tok Schuster as the clear-cut #1, which isn't really great news for anybody other than Johnson. Speaking of JuJu...TOMMY JOHN: Nailed it.

9. JuJu Smith-Schuster: Will be #trending on Twitter at least 37 times this year, with Mark Madden and 93.7 the Fan squeezing every bit of content they can out of him before he leaves next year. Honestly, I don't really have a strong opinion on the guy. I think some of his social media shenanigans are incredibly embarrassing and juvenile, but I'm also an old out-of-touch bitch who doesn't know shit about building a brand. JuJu getting single-coverage during the AB years probably inflated expectations for him beyond what was reasonable, and now he's paying for it. That's probably a little unfair, but it ain't like he does himself any favors. Silly games = silly prizes. BANANA REBUBLIC: His stats are still suffering but Ben seems to be looking his way much more often in big situations, which speaks volumes. Shout out to Mr. Lit for being much more businesslike this year. Love his physicality on tough yards.

10. Minkah Fitzpatrick: What's the saying for client-relations in business? Under-promise, over-deliver? Minkah will wish he lived by that credo. Like JuJu, he will earn the ire of the mongoloid Yinzer media because of unrealistic expectations set via alien-level production last year. Nonetheless, he'll be rock-solid with at least five picks and two scores. TOMMY JOHN. Four picks, a fumble recovery, and a score. On schedule.

11. David Decastro: Will give lots of good, sincere, angry quotes after losses. FoTL: So far, Mr. Stern Stanford Stallion has kept quiet.

12. Devin Bush: Will have the flyest rat-tail in the league. He'll also have a Pro-Bowl year. FoTL: Unfortunate turn of events for the sophomore. Credit to Spillane for not sucking in his stead. Come back strong next year DB!

13. Terrell Edmunds: Will continue to search for a fourth brother so they can finally transform into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles before the Watts get to it first. He will also be visibly three steps late on at least five deep touchdowns. I hate saying this - I'm sure Edmunds is a nice guy and I always like to root for guys from my alma-mater (Go Hokies). But he kinda stinks, right? TOMMY JOHN: Seriously...pick a random series and spotlight him. He is the master of arriving to a play just in time to stand on the outside of the pile, or to watch a receiver comfortably convert a 3rd and 13 on the sideline.

14. The Ravens: Will win the division easily, despite slightly regressing. Record will be 12-4, and Robert Griffin III will play in at least two games. I also hate saying this because Lamar Jackson is firmly my favorite non-Steeler (see, I told you I wasn't emotional). I just simply refuse to believe a guy who plays that way can get through a season fully healthy once teams have a full off-season to prepare for the MVP. Now, I also think he throws a much better ball than he's given credit for. Should he become more of a Mahomes / Wilson / Watson type where he passes first and runs only when called upon, then look the fuck out. BANANA REPUBLIC: Ok, so they didn't run away with the division. But RGIII has played in multiple games now!

15. Chris Boswell: Will be working at Enterprise Rent-a-Car by Week 10. They really give you the tools to be your own boss. TOMMY JOHN: Trending in the right direction (for me). Make a fucking extra point. The Steelers must address this if he can't get healthy and don't trust a rookie backup to make a 45 yarder.

16. Chase Claypool: I'm a closet Notre Dame fan (boooo!), so I want Chase to do well. No time for emotional takes though - my gut tells me he will be the least impactful Steelers top pick in years. Not necessarily his fault - they got him in Round 2. He will struggle to earn targets. Good chance he shoves this up my hoop considering the Steelers' history of drafting WRs. FoTL: Let's move on.

17. Jordan Dangerfield: Will be called exclusively "Rodney" by me for the entire year. TOMMY JOHN

18. Joshua Dobbs / Mason Rudolph: Will both stink in relief, mainly due to being involved in a love triangle with Hannah-Ann from the Bachelor. Mercy. TOMMY JOHN

19. Eric Ebron: Nothing to say but solid fit. Eight TDs, will finish a Top-10 Fantasy TE. TOMMY JOHN: Yeah yeah, I'm behind pace on TDs but I think most fans would admit he is a dynamic part of the offense. He is currently the #9 fantasy TE according to this website. He'll be a major problem for defenses in the playoffs, assuming he cures his case of the dropsies.

20. The Secondary: Joe Haden and Steven Nelson will take turns each week on who's turn it is to suck while the other plays great. Mike Hilton will have two interceptions in incredibly huge moments and not be heard from again the balance of the year. BANANA REPUBLIC: Mike Hilton is the league's best nickel. The other guys have been hot/cold.

21. Mike Tomlin: Will allow Mike Epps to coach one game just to see if anyone notices. Just kidding. Tomlin is perhaps the best leader in the NFL, and the worst clock--and-challenge-manager. Seriously, I think he's like 5-for-23 on challenges the last four years. He'll cost them at least one game with an inexplicable gaffe. That said, you can count on one hand the number of coaches I'd rather have. It's been said before but bears repeating: He deserves the Nobel Peace Prize for managing the AB/Lev Bell/Early Ben teams for as long as he did. He missed the playoffs in 2018 for the first time in 6 years, and 2019 doesn't count with Duck Hodges' corpse playing QB. Bounce-back year for Mike T. TOMMY JOHN: The Washington game excepted, still a fantastic bounce-back year for Tomlin so far. His story will be written in the next 6 weeks.

22. Final Record: 9-7....but they'll make the playoffs! The Texans, Ravens, Chiefs, and Bills are going to run away with their divisions. Pencil in the Steelers and Pats as the wild-card teams. FoTL: So many holes I could wet the bed and not have to change. Trash this prediction!

Thanks for reading - I'm gonna go get a Blizzard.