The 2020 Steelers Flaming-Hot Takes

First things first: My heart belongs to hockey, my gambling brain belongs to football. I prefer the college variety, but every once in a while I'll pounce on a juicy opportunity to take points against Matt Ryan on the road.

You bet your bitch ass I bleed black and gold - the Steelers are my hometown team and it will always be that way. But as mentioned in previous blogs, the potency of my emotional connection to the Steelers never quite matched that of the Penguins. Bottom line: This ain't gonna be some Yinzer black-and-gold-colored-glasses fan-boy page now that the calendar has hit September and the Penguins shit their pants. Hockey will always come first. What it will be, however, is the Capital of Ferociously Reasonable and Measured Take-City, with a side of chirp sauce.

For now, here are some quick-hitter predictions ahead of the 2020 Season, which I look forward to being completely wrong about:

1. Big Ben: Will look awkward with his massive head and newly-petite figure. He will light up the Giants in Week 1 like a Christmas tree, then fall back down to earth a bit in Week 2-3. He will throw three interceptions in a game at least twice. He will also miss at least two games, because he's Big Ben. Despite all of that, he will finish the year a Top-7 QB in attempts, yards, completions, and TDs.

2. Defense: Timely turnovers and defensive scores inflated the Steelers defensive rankings last year. They will regress, and not finish in the Top-10 in either category.

3. Bud Dupree: Will call Shaq about getting an endorsement from Icy Hot, since he’ll be super hot and cold (and not good for a sack). He will have a couple huge games with two sacks and a forced fumble, and the other 13 weeks you'll have to check the box score to make sure he played.

4. T.J. Watt: Will continue to be sexier than J.J and Derek. Unlike the NHL, NFL teams typically pay their star players throughout the majority of their careers. T.J. Watt won't make it easy on them. He will have yet another Pro-Bowl season with two interceptions, twelve sacks, and plenty of bicep veins. He will command Top-3 money at his position by next year.

5. James Conner: Will have seven different haircuts. This will also be the year Yinzers lose patience with him once he goes down with a non-contact injury in Week 6.

6. Mortal Lock of the Year: After narrowly escaping the Bengals in Week 10, the Steelers will lose to Jacksonville in Week 11 ahead of a divisional showdown with the Ravens. Rub it down, lock it up, and take it straight to the bank. Tell your bookie I said sorry.

7. Cam Heyward: Will be balder than you remember, but that won't stop him from terrorizing opposing QBs. If there is one guy who will live up to a nice fat contract, it's him.

8. The Offense: Will be Jekyll and Hyde. Ben will throw too much (around 65% of downs), which will lead to consecutive games where they score 3 points then 40 points. Dionte Johnson will officially pass up Tik Tok Schuster as the clear-cut #1, which isn't really great news for anybody other than Johnson. Speaking of JuJu...

9. JuJu Smith-Schuster: Will be #trending on Twitter at least 37 times this year, with Mark Madden and 93.7 the Fan squeezing every bit of content they can out of him before he leaves next year. Honestly, I don't really have a strong opinion on the guy. I think some of his social media shenanigans are incredibly embarrassing and juvenile, but I'm also an old out-of-touch bitch who doesn't know shit about building a brand. JuJu getting single-coverage during the AB years probably inflated expectations for him beyond what was reasonable, and now he's paying for it. That's probably a little unfair, but it ain't like he does himself any favors. Silly games = silly prizes.

10. Minkah Fitzpatrick: What's the saying for client-relations in business? Under-promise, over-deliver? Minkah will wish he lived by that credo. Like JuJu, he will earn the ire of the mongoloid Yinzer media because of unrealistic expectations set via alien-level production last year. Nonetheless, he'll be rock-solid with at least five picks and two scores.

11. David Decastro: Will give lots of good, sincere, angry quotes after losses.

12. Devin Bush: Will have the flyest rat-tail in the league. He'll also have a Pro-Bowl year.

13. Terrell Edmunds: Will continue to search for a fourth brother so they can finally transform into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles before the Watts get to it first. He will also be visibly three steps late on at least five deep touchdowns. I hate saying this - I'm sure Edmunds is a nice guy and I always like to root for guys from my alma-mater (Go Hokies). But he kinda stinks, right?

14. The Ravens: Will win the division easily, despite slightly regressing. Record will be 12-4, and Robert Griffin III will play in at least two games. I also hate saying this because Lamar Jackson is firmly my favorite non-Steeler (see, I told you I wasn't emotional). I just simply refuse to believe a guy who plays that way can get through a season fully healthy once teams have a full off-season to prepare for the MVP. Now, I also think he throws a much better ball than he's given credit for. Should he become more of a Mahomes / Wilson / Watson type where he passes first and runs only when called upon, then look the fuck out.

15. Chris Boswell: Will be working at Enterprise Rent-a-Car by Week 10. They really give you the tools to be your own boss.

16. Chase Claypool: I'm a closet Notre Dame fan (boooo!), so I want Chase to do well. No time for emotional takes though - my gut tells me he will be the least impactful Steelers top pick in years. Not necessarily his fault - they got him in Round 2. He will struggle to earn targets. Good chance he shoves this up my hoop considering the Steelers' history of drafting WRs.

17. Jordan Dangerfield: Will be called exclusively "Rodney" by me for the entire year.

18. Joshua Dobbs / Mason Rudolph: Will both stink in relief, mainly due to being involved in a love triangle with Hannah-Ann from the Bachelor. Mercy.

19. Eric Ebron: Nothing to say but solid fit. Eight TDs, will finish a Top-10 Fantasy TE.

20. The Secondary: Joe Haden and Steven Nelson will take turns each week on who's turn it is to suck while the other plays great. Mike Hilton will have two interceptions in incredibly huge moments and not be heard from again the balance of the year.

21. Mike Tomlin: Will allow Mike Epps to coach one game just to see if anyone notices. Just kidding. Tomlin is perhaps the best leader in the NFL, and the worst clock--and-challenge-manager. Seriously, I think he's like 5-for-23 on challenges the last four years. He'll cost them at least one game with an inexplicable gaffe. That said, you can count on one hand the number of coaches I'd rather have. It's been said before but bears repeating: He deserves the Nobel Peace Prize for managing the AB/Lev Bell/Early Ben teams for as long as he did. He missed the playoffs in 2018 for the first time in 6 years, and 2019 doesn't count with Duck Hodges' corpse playing QB. Bounce-back year for Mike T.

22. Final Record: 9-7....but they'll make the playoffs! The Texans, Ravens, Chiefs, and Bills are going to run away with their divisions. Pencil in the Steelers and Pats as the wild-card teams.

Finally, remember this: No matter what happens, we can all agree that by the time Ben gets hurt, fans better be allowed in the stands. Camera will pan to the Rooney press box, where Hannah Ann will be sitting with a number "62" jersey, with Ran-Dobbs on the back. Or would it be Do-Dolph? Go Steelers.