The Yips Olympics

Every year on the anniversary of 9.11, I scroll through social media and inevitably come across The Pitch. For as much fun as Getting Political Online is, I unfortunately will be PASSING on the opportunity this time - just want to set the table for the blog.

Simply put: The stones on GW to deliver a strike right down Broadway under those circumstances...unbelievably impressive no matter what political laundry you root for. And because I have to make everything about myself, I immediately thought about how I would have performed in that situation (spoiler alert...bad).

Any man who has more than 4 friends knows at least one choke artist. The guy you can always count on to blow it with the proverbial game on the line. When you're an old bitch, it's almost exclusively on the golf course. For the younger crowd, maybe it's the guy who always misses lay-ups or easy touchdown catches.

In the sporting world, this is most commonly referred to as "the Yips".

You can read about the history of The Yips here if you'd like, but basically, it's when your nerves cause you to screw up a seemingly easy task. For example, most people can make a 3-foot putt backwards in their sleep, but put $20 on the line with buddies watching / chirping, and the odds drastically change for some.

So....what if there were a Yips Olympics for the everyday man? What would the events be? How would you perform? Is Spike TV still around and if so, can I pitch it to them?

First and most importantly, the stakes must be set. Since half the people reading this blog (like my girlfriend and mom) place zero value in athletic accomplishment on it's face, we've got to come up with a universal hypothetical. Let's say the following is on the line, and the entire world (or at least a studio audience) is watching:

Success = $10 Million

Failure = You have to make out with your Mom / Dad (opposite sex) for 1 full minute.

Gross, but this is my best proposal to even the playing field in terms of making it great / horrifying for everyone no matter their personality.

One more wrinkle: Competitors (and crowd) are allowed to verbally assault the opposition to try to gain an edge. BASEketball rules, if you will.

Moving onto the events....

Remember, each event has to be easy enough that most could do it on a normal day, but difficult enough where the possibility for failure reasonably exists. We aren't just throwing a rock into an ocean here. The goal is to complete 7 / 10 Events.

1. The 3-Foot Putt: If the Yips Olympics existed, this event would be Jordan-era basketball. Anybody who's ever golfed has screwed up a 3 foot putt with pressure on the line. Hell, it infamously took Ernie Els SIX TRIES at the 2016 Masters. Danny Lee also boned a gimme 6 times just this past week at the US Open. Brutal.

2. The Layup (5 max dribbles from half-court): If we're being honest, I wouldn't even bother competing in this one. Just give me the "L" and I'll try to go 7-for-9. While most reasonably athletic people can make a simple layup, I'm totally incapable of not alligator-arming the shit out of it. I'd 100% rather shoot from three than try to make an (uncontested) layup. If there is a God, this event would lead to some shockingly unathletic highlights including several broken noses.

3. The Pool Shot: Now is a good time to mention that the IYC (International Yips Committee) will be testing everyone's BAC prior to competition. As much as I love the sauce, you can't have the nerves calmed during these games. It defeats the purpose. I'm thinking que ball near a corner pocket, with the 8-ball sitting halfway down the short side. About a 3 foot shot. Easy enough, but no gimme. Just watch the first 10 seconds of that video.

5. Four Bowling Pins (one shot): One of my favorite choke stories that I somehow wasn't the victim of involved a friend at a bowling alley. He was kicking everyone's ass, nearing 200 and needing 6 pins in his final frame to win a ton of cash. Our best shit-talking buddy who had been quiet all day started doing what he does best, and the guy went back-to-back gutter balls.

6. Throw from 2nd Base (slow runner): Any Yips aficionado like myself knows all about poor Chuck Knoblauch. The guy couldn't hit the broad side of a barn for a significant portion of his career and eventually it drove him out of the game. On one occasion after three throwing errors through six innings, he changed into street clothes and left in the middle of the game. Badass move if you ask me. Steve Blass from my beloved (pfff) Pirates was another famous example. For this one, the assumption is you've already caught the ground ball and just have to make the throw with a below-average base runner.

7. Dart Throw (anywhere in play): I said no booze! I debated making this one any place inside the inner circle instead of simply "in play", but I think that would probably eliminate too many good athletes who otherwise could compete for a championship. Once the Yips Olympics are on TV next year, we'll make sure to put this event in the same time slot as male speed skating, or women's archery (equal opportunity sexist, no need to thank me). Hell, we can use it as a qualifying event. If you can't hit the goddam dart board, well, you probably ought to thank your lucky stars you didn't make it to prime time. Some things you can't live down.

8. The 7-Yard In Route (Sponsored by the Atlanta Falcons): This is fucking America. You didn't think the Yips Olympics were gonna miss an opportunity to incorporate a little football, did you? Obviously, the biggest Yips-worthy NFL play is the last-second field go to win or lose the game, but most people couldn't even hit a chip shot. On the other side of the spectrum, catching a football is fairly instinctual and easy. You can suffer a lapse in motor skills and still cradle the ball before it hits the ground. Dropping an easy pass would be a huge bed shit. We need something that is easy, but prone to a mechanics breakdown. The 7-Yard-In Route it is. No defender. Slow receiver. Just don't alligator arm it, Jamarcus.

9. Penalty Kick: I really hate to incorporate this brutal sport, but the PK has the perfect amount of botch potential we're looking for. Now, some of the professionals even miss normal 12-yard penalty kicks here and there, so we're going to move up to 6 yards. In order to prevent the tap-in, we're going to stick with a professional goalie in net. Doesn't have to be Tim Reynolds or whatever that guy's name is, but someone reasonably competent. As long you don't pull a Frank Reynolds with a toe knife, this should be a fairly easy event.

10. The Empty Net Breakaway: What an unbelievable sequence that Patrik Stefan video is. Anyway, I realize all the idiots are going to scream LIKE.....NOBODY CAN SKATE, BRO! Well, it's my blog and hockey is the Best Sport so shut up. The premise assumes a decent enough skater. Start at center red line with the puck, and an NHL-level defender chasing you from behind the net so you don't have *too* much time. In the words of Chubbs Peterson, just tap-it in baby.

There you have it, the Yips Olympics. Now somebody get me Vince McMahon on the line and let's make this goddam thing happen.