To Give the Crotch or the Ass?

No, this isn't a blog imagining the inner monologue Pat would have with himself if propositioned by Sean Mendes.

Basic airplane etiquette is certainly not a new topic, as the infamous Seat Recliner Internet Fight of 2020 illustrated just months ago. That said, I haven't seen a consensus on perhaps the most high-stakes decision of all. Now before I begin - a quick clarification. I generally consider myself an above average aisle partner. I don't bring food on board, I don't take up more than my fair share of the armrest, I don't bother anyone with chit chat (because I'm always hung over), and most importantly I avoid getting up at all costs if I'm on the window. Noble as my efforts are, sometimes I'll make an exception on flights over 3 hours if it's really an emergency. This is the moment the blog (and maybe life) is all about. When sliding out of the impossibly narrow row, do I give my aisle mates a face full of ham or (mini) sausage?

The ass seems obvious right off the bat. It's much less intrusive even under the worst case scenario. We make accidental contact with like 9 asses a week waiting in line or standing in a crowded bar. The problem is you can't see where you're going and the row of seats in front of you causes a natural bending at the back that increases likelihood of ass touchdown. In addition, given the aforementioned hangover I'm likely wearing thrice-worn sweatpants with a 3-day-old sweat/fart cocktail you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.

The crotch mostly mitigates the stench concern but is still much higher risk/reward. Crotch-first typically gives much more visibility and control over distance and speed. You're not likely to make crotch to face/chest contact unless you have the coordination of a three legged baby deer, and you're in/out of the aisle like 33% faster. Even still, an unexpected bout of turbulence can send the process into a tailspin, and next thing you know you're giving a face first lap dance to John fucking Candy. None of us are ever lucky enough to sit next to anyone remotely attractive - this isn't Hollywood and I'm not Hank Moody. And even if I was, there's a better chance I just risk pissing my pants than having to awkwardly ask her to wake up and move aside. Cowards gonna coward.

The answer is probably still the ass. But give the crotch a shot the next time you're feeling lucky. It could change your life.