Which Craigslist Friend Do I Connect With First?

I know this is hard to believe, but there was a time when I was extremely lonely. Day after day, night after night, same old routine. Wake up, feed the fish, meal prep the week's hot dogs, check Craigslist, go to bed. This was in April during the height of coronavirus lockdown and times were tough.

Most of my Craigslist activity was passive. I checked the ads for odd jobs and artwork that might lead to a friendship or babysitting gig but nothing turned up. Finally, I decided I needed to get the people to come to me. I posted an ad offering $5 for 30 minutes of someone's virtual time. A great deal in any scenario. I made sure to include the NOTHING SEXUAL qualifier, which was highly successful. After sifting through thousands of very legitimate and non-sexual submissions, a beautiful baby was birthed that we named the The Craigslist Newlywed Game. It turned out great and I still remain close friends with Charles and Sierra to this day (Pat not so much).

Anyway, I didn't know it at the time, but this pursuit would lead to more opportunities than I ever could have dreamed. Most people think Craigslist is just a place for people to sell things they don't care about, like their old golf clubs, roller skates, and dignity. Maybe for lazy people. For the rest of us, it can be so much more.

Part of the Craigslist Newlywed Game process was including my email address so people could get in touch with me. I hadn't checked that email address for a while following the game, and realized that was a huge mistake. I now have more potential Charles' / Sierras than I know what to do with, and I'm hoping my 12 readers can help me prioritize who to reach out to first. The last thing I want to do is miss out on a friendship, love interest, or just a way to help.

1. SOFI: There's a reason I put Sofi at #1. It sounds like she's in trouble. You know how they tell hostages to blink if they need help but can't say anything? Clearly Sofi is in a similar position. She's married but needs 'more'. More assistance? More Tupperware? More Jesus? More police officers? I know for sure this woman is real but I doubt her name is even Sofi. The only way I'll know what she's thinking is if I respond, but I know I won't believe it even after she tells me.

2. STEPHANIE: Now before everyone gets up in my shit, let me just say, I'm not fucking stupid. I realize Stephanie didn't actually type this email. Her owner did. Sensing my loneliness and lack of companionship, Stephanie's breeder typed up this thoughtful email and sent it over to me, knowing I was a dog lover. Stephanie's owner also knows the first thing I do when I go dog shopping is check for a penis, so I appreciate the nudes he/she is willing to send. Bitches are much more manageable and well-behaved than studs. I just hope Stephanie doesn't shed. It's been a long time since I've had a dog, and Stephanie might just be the one to get me back in the game.

3. MANDY: Mandy knows me better than I know myself. What's the best way to pass the time during quarantine? Learning an instrument of course. My delicate little sausage fingers have never been able to master the guitar or violin, and that's with absolutely no practice at all. I hate the strings. Mandy is obviously in the same boat. I've always fancied myself a master of the keyboard, but the horns are where the big money is made. The saxophone player is always the coolest guy in the band. Mandy and I both tense up and tend to bite down when playing the horns instead of relaxing our jaws and mouth. Always room for improvement. If I respond to Mandy, I have no doubt we'll both have our blowing skills honed in no time.

4. JOHN SARTORIS: Anybody who knows me knows I've always wanted only one thing (besides friends). To have a biography written about me. After countless phone calls, emails, and telegrams to John over the years, it appears my prayers have finally been answered. Now, I'm not naive enough to think the work is yet done. Per John's email, I've only completed Phase 1. But you have to crawl before you can run. Now that I have John's attention, I don't plan on letting it go. Expect the biopic by 2025.

5. CANDACE: I wish I had a good answer for Candace but I don't. I screwed the pooch. Shit the bed. She checks all the boxes. She's real, she made the first move, she plays the drums, and she wants to be my buddy. If she doesn't know Mandy already, she probably ought to. My only chance of salvaging this one is getting the three of us together so Candace can bang the drums, Mandy can blow the horns, and I'll sing and play the keyboard. Candace - if you're out there, I'm sorry. But it's not too late. Gooey and The Beauties sounds like a good band name.

6. MIA: I don't want to sound crass. I know what it's like to be indecisive. I can barely decide whether to get pizza or Taco Bell every Sunday night. But I'm just not sure I have what it takes to satisfy Mia. She's a woman who isn't sure what she wants, and that's something I don't have time to help someone else figure out. First she wants to go out to eat, then she wants to take Mandy's spot in the band. Then she wants to go furniture shopping or something? No idea. Mia - I care about you, but start with picking a font color, then what you want in life, and maybe I'll still be here when you've found yourself. I love you.

7. MYSTERY PERSON: I know I'm an amazing person. Sofi, Candace and Mandy know I'm an amazing person. I wish others like this mystery person could see it too. This is genuinely one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. And while I wish they had included their name and contact info, I respect that fact that not everyone is JuJu Smith-Schuster and has to take public credit for the nice things they do. I spent about 6 hours trying to sift through all the selfless things I have done over the last couple months to try to narrow down who this could be. There were almost too many to remember. However, I do recall buying a coffee and paying via one of those touch-pad things were your email shows up asking if you want a receipt. After tipping 0%, I handed a loose napkin that was sitting on the counter to the barista. I then took off my mask so she could understand what I was about to say - that someone probably left it behind and she should return it to the dispenser to save paper/trees. The touch-pad would explain access to my email address, so I'm guessing it was her. You're welcome, Sandra.

8. MY PENIS: Somehow, some loonbag thought I was stupid enough to believe I was receiving an email from my own penis. Buddy, I've been on the internet before! You really think I could be duped into thinking something like that? My penis can't type emails dummy! Regardless, I don't have any of the problems listed in the email, especially having a marriage to save. Blocked and reported!

9. SARAH: This one seemed like someone just looking for sex, which is odd and sad. Thanks Sarah, but I'm alright in that department and I'd appreciate you not wasting my time anymore. I'm plenty busy with the others who are actually interested in something deeper than sexual encounters and being f*ck friends.

N/A. INSOMNIA: Tough to miss a deal like this. Never again.