Re-Casting 1964's Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

If the 2019 smash-hit CATS proved anything, it's that people love a good old fashioned remake of a classic featuring well-known celebrities.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is a holiday classic - nobody is disputing that. In fact, most experts agree Rudolph is the consensus #2-ranked stop motion production ever, just behind Rosie O'Donnell vs. Oprah in Celebrity Death Match.

But this is America, and last time I checked, the Constitution guarantees us the right to first ask "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" Rudolph director Larry Roemer has been dead for 25 years - time for some fresh blood. Let's do it:

RUDOLPH: PEDRO KENSO

It's 2020, you think I'm going with a cookie-cutter, all-white cast like the original? Fat chance, racists. We're progressive here at Gooey Studios, and I've got the perfect Hispanic lead. Enter Brazil's Pedro Kenso, a superstar family man who just happens to be an terrific actor and father. He'll also save us a boat load on expensive CGI / prosthetic horns. Slap a $2.50 red nose on him and you're off an running. Pedro is also an incredibly talented tattoo artist, so we’ll save a boat load firing the makeup artist. A star is born.

SKINNY SANTA: BALD SKINNY JASON MOMOA

Hot Momoa put on a master performance as a bald skinny guy in that Rocket Mortgage commercial last year, so again, you already have the costume design. Jadon always plays a guy who is kind of a dick but ends up having a big heart in the end. Break out the grey hair dye and let him go to work.

YUKON CORNELIUS - KRISTOFER HIVJU: Sometimes it's important to not get too cute. If Tormund Giantsbane was the role Hivju was born to play, Yukon Cornelius is a close second. Nobody has ever resembled a clay cartoon more. Say it for me Kristofer - The fog is thick as peanut butter! Lick that axe, baby!

HERMEY THE MISFIT ELF - HARRY MELLING: You need to check quite a few boxes for this role. Impossibly punchable nerd face. Whiny voice. Dumbo ears. Eyes so close together, you wonder if his nose is a magnet and the eyes are a couple of nickels. Perfect. Harry even has experience playing an annoying misfit following his role as chubby Dudley Dersey in Harry Potter. Now he's skinny and artsy, so we'll let him play the dentist elf. No one cares about your dental aspirations, Hermey. Shut up.

KING MOONRACER - IDRIS ELBA: Everyone is super woke these days and I'm oh-so-thankful for that, but let's not get it twisted: Sex [still] Sells. Even Hellen Keller would take one sniff of the cast above and puke her blind guts out. Simply hideous. The cast needs some heat. Enter the 2018's Sexiest Man Alive Idris Elba (ever heard of him?) Idris will be prominently featured in the trailer and will be shirtless the entire movie. He will also speak in his native British accent. You think this son of a bitch with wings and a lion mane ain't driving the soccer moms to the theater in droves? They'll be handing out an extra pair of panties with admission.

ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN - BRUCE VILANCH: The new-age Abominable Snowman must be gay, that's obvious. It also doesn't hurt if the actor is on the bigger side and can grow a decent beard. Having been out of the limelight for a while, I think Bruce pulls a Michael Keaton-in-Birdman on this role - he comes out of nowhere to deliver a stunning Oscar-worthy performance. People SOBBING in the aisles. I haven't forgotten you, Bruce.

CLARICE - VICKI VALENCOURT: I'm sure Fairuza Balk is a wonderful actress, but sorry, she goes by Vicki Valencourt the same way Jason Alexander goes by Costanza. I don't make the rules. This pick accomplishes two very important things: 1) Sex factor, and 2) A compelling empowered woman. In this version of the Christmas classic, Clarice is a very similar character to Vicki. She holds a knife to the throat of every Donner and Dancer who dared make fun of Rudolph, threatening to kill them if they say one more word about his big red nose. It works.

SAM THE SNOWMAN - MORGAN FREEMAN: We probably just blew 75% of the movie's budget on this casting decision, but do you really want anyone else narrating? Do it right or don't do it at all.

Merry Christmas.