Turning Men to Monsters: Halloweentown 2 in Real Life

October was an extremely busy month for those of us lucky enough to grow up in Western PA. Playing baseball in sub-50 temperatures every Sunday, avoiding attending high school football games, and not being asked to Sadie Hawkins would leave most boys gasping for air. Add in the crippling pressure to "get in the spirit" before trick-or-treating, and one can see why some of my high school classmates turned to the booze. To quote the great No Rome whose song I just looked up, "We were only Seventeen".

No such sinful distractions were part of my purview. In addition to bedtime stories and Ants on a Log for dessert, I made sure to watch at least one spooky movie every night in October. By the time we had seen When Good Ghouls Go Bad on ABC Family for the 4th time, my Dad, uncles, and I started preparing for the main course: That old crazy bat Aggie Cromwell and her band of witchy granddaughters (and one giant squid grandson).

If you've never seen the Halloweentown trilogy, well, I'm not sure what you're doing reading this blog. Go to your nearest television, stream that shit straight from the Disney Channel app, and prepare to be enthralled.

Speaking of the Disney Channel - the Halloweentown movies are fairly light-hearted, but that doesn't mean they didn't have a handful of absolutely terrifying sequences. The one that caused me to piss in my parents bed until the day I left for college was Halloweentown 2: Kalabar's Revenge. I won't spoil too much, but let's just say that with all due respect to Mike Myers and Freddy Krueger, everybody knows the most terrifying Halloween supervillain is Kalabar. In this movie, his evil plot is to turn all the people into real versions of their costumes. Something about showing humans they shouldn't mock the monsters that live in Halloweentown year-round.

Anyway, cripplingly horrifying yet thrilling.

But what if Kalabar pulled this stunt in real life? In the movie, basically all you see is some monsters, animals, and people with oversized heads. I snuck into my first Halloween party last year at age 30, and let me tell you, shit would not have gone down so easily! Let's take a look at some of the story lines we might expect in 2020:

Batman is Outmatched: As if the Joker wasn't a formidable enough opponent, imagine fighting 13 of them - while drunk. Most people don't realize this, but since 2008, the NHPA (National Halloween Party Association) has declared every Halloween party must have at least one Joker present per 15 attendees. Not great odds for the Caped Crusader - and that doesn't even include the 6 Harley Quinn's he'll have to deal with next.

The Nerds Feel the Holy Spirit: There's nothing worse that guy who is too lazy to think of a costume, so he puts on a pair of glasses, an old plaid shirt, parts his hair and claims to be a "geek". Well, that asshole finally gets some comeuppance (literally and figurately). The Priests have turned the bathroom into their own personal "confession booth". The weaklings pay their penance via the glory hole, while the Teletubbies watch from over the opposite stall, giddy as ever and waiting their turn.

Tiger Giving out Strokes: Tiger Woods has arrived at his favorite place on earth, and it ain't the 18th Green at Augusta. Approximately 32% of the women have turned into a Playmate, FemBot, or Hooters Waitress. The Hooters girls reach into their cleavage for their phone and find several dick pics and a suite number from Tiger. Everyone hops in Tiger's limo outside, which is being driven by Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber.

Joe Exotic Becomes the Hunted: The other 68% of women have turned into incredibly sexy cats with very low self esteem. Needing a leader, they turn to Tony the Tiger, who decides to stage a cat coup vs. Joe for his years of mistreatment of their species. As Tony and all the naked cats rip Joe to shreds, Carol Baskin looks on from the corner with a curiously evil smile. She led Tony to Joe, after all.

Jon Snow Fights Racism: No spell is perfect, not even Kalabar's. Instead of turning all the ghosts into....well....ghosts, they have been mistakenly turned into KKK members. Luckily, the hero who always does the right thing is in attendance. Jon Snow quickly takes his sword to the handful of men in sheets, while the three Donald Trumps look on in horror.

Pennywise vs. Stranger Things: The two Pennywise clowns fight over which kid from Stranger Things they'll get to massacre first. They draw straws, and Pennywise #1 immediately bites off Gaten Matarazzaro's head. It's about time - we all owe Pennywise a debt of gratitude. After they finish devouring the balance of the bunch, only the forgettable kid remains (Will Byers?) They decide he's way too boring to even make the effort. Right as Will thinks he's escaped certain death again, Freddy Krueger suddenly kidnaps him to his Dreamworld where he'll remain until next year doing nothing.

Bloodfight: There are like 6 nurses with incredibly large breasts trying to restrain and treat a handful of sick zombies. They first need to get a clean sample of blood to test against the zombie blood, but the vampires keep drinking all of it. The nurses find the vampires oddly attractive, so they decide that if they can't beat them, they'll join them. All the nurses are turned into zombie vampire nurses, and nobody really notices the difference because the costume looks the same.

Jesus Vs. The Red Army: Jesus is frantically searching the party for the Teletubbies and Priests before it's too late. He finally sees the bathroom sign and heads that way, but is interrupted by three incredibly sexy devils. Jesus begins preaching to the devils about the evils of their huge boobs. They get bored and let him continue on. Right as he reaches the door, he's interrupted by Santa Claus. They argue about who has been more "cancelled" recently and the true meaning of Christmas for 3 hours.

Harry Potter to the Rescue?: Having realized a terrible spell has taken hold of the party, the nerd dressed as Harry Potter realizes he must do what he can to reverse it. Before he can find Hagrid and that ginger kid, the witches from Hocus Pocus beat him to the punch. Can't always be the hero, four eyes.

Thanks ladies. Fun party!